DH withdrawing cash behind my back

[FuckingDH]

Reading my bank statement I've seen a few cash withdrawals the last couple of months that I didn't recognise but I thought it was me being forgetful
Yesterday when trying to pay at the shop, I couldn't find my card and DH suddenly took it out of his wallet and said He had found it earlier at the kitchen floor. My card was declined by the way although I was convenced I had funds

Not sure why this morning I woke up all suspicious, I checked my bank account again and I had a cash withdraw again same time as he went out before we go to the shop
I'm fucking pissed off 17 years together and now I started doubting other things as well. If he can lie about this God knows what else he's done
So:

1. Do I confront him which he ll probably deny or
2. Do I change the PIN and see what happens when the little fucker tries to take money

WWYD

WiFi history?

I got a good job last two months so wondering if he started since then

If it's not gambling/OW etc, it could just be pure jealousy that you've now got a good wage/are no longer as dependent on him.

he clearly resents being the main breadwinner,so out of spite he's making sure either you can't pay your share (and will need to turn to him again), or that you get a 'taste' of what it's like to have someone else spend your money.

this is not the attitude and behaviour of someone who loves and respects you

I'm not sure trying to get into his work emails is a good idea. Purely from a pov where you could end up in some kind of bother. With all his time out sobbing and stonewalling you, he's probably deleted anything incriminating.

It must be driving you crazy, but you know for sure he is lying through his back-teeth, has drained money and is behaving like a petulant brat. That's more than enough reason not to have him home until he starts disclosing wtf he has been up to.

So he’s saying he spent almost 400 on alcohol

Don't try and guess his log ins, he knows he is rumbled and is being extra vigilant.

Act indifferent to proof. Act like you already know, are certain, are committed to an action and he can only redeem himself by telling the truth.
Then watch like a hawk, you will get a chance at an open phone or e-mail when he moves into 'im so open' mode to convince you he isn't worried.

I hope you find some answers. He’s making you very suspicious just by refusing to tell you what’s going on. Which then makes you think there is something to it.

I don't understand why he would be stealing from you to take another woman out. Surely he'd be wanting to keep any evidence as far away from you as possible - especially knowing how dodgy cash withdrawals look (who uses cash nowadays?).
Gambling is a really serious problem that's hard to break once you start, and some people manage to keep it hidden for years and years without telling their other halves. Without knowing anything about your DH, I wouldn't be surprised if it was this.

A family member ran up huge debts a few years ago. Bipolar. Lied and lied and lied and lied. Said they had been online gambling but just stopped. Admitted to buying some prescription drugs on line. To be honest we still have no clear idea where the money went but the lies were unbelievable. They almost believed it all themselves. It then became everyone else’s fault but theirs.

I would definitely get a credit report done on you both.

If he comes back contrite you have all the cards. You make it a condition that he shows you back statements etc. If he has nothing to hide there should be no problem.

My family member got backed into a corner when having sworn blind that the mortgage had always been paid it transpired it hadn’t for three months. We offered to help out in condition their spouse went to the back to find out exactly what had been going on. Spouse had had no idea. Lots more came out.

I have to say it’s not looking good. The fact he hasn’t stayed to try and sort it is worrying.

Sounds like a pretty toxic marriage anyway. Really bizarre response to the situation.

Why is it a bizarre response, MrsBennett?

It has to be debt for him to start using your money - he could quite easily use his own substantial - by your account - funds to fund gambling, coke, prostitutes or OW....until he runs out of money.

You have to ask? Your husband is acting strangely and your first response is to take to aibu and rant and rave at strangers calling him a fucker and seemingly delighting in the drama?

If this was me I would take the radical first step of actually talking to my husband. But then it wouldn't be.

Sounds like a pretty toxic marriage anyway. Really bizarre response to the situation.
Anyway ? Apart from stealing ? In what sense?
Whose response is bizarre ?

But then it wouldnt be?
Why? Cause you re a clever cookie and no man has dared lie to you?

He's tried to tell me I owe him this money from years I was getting paid less and contributing less. All bullshit!

Is that really the best he could come up with? Pathetic.

Where has he gone? Did he say?

Have you managed to change your PIN?

I wouldn't want him leaving the house. I would want him to stay and show me his phone and bank statements and explain what he did with the money.

ColumboHere I didn't think clearly possibly cause I couldn't stand the sight of him . I'm techie I ll find a way round his phone history

Mrs Bennett did you miss the posts where OP was trying to talk to her DH and he refused to talk/answer questions?

The only reason he would use OP's money is because he ran out of his own. It's highly risky and he knows it. He must have been desperate to risk her finding out. My guess is that he's broke.

^^ This. Especially since he can’t pay you back until payday.

This would really concern me. Not that the lying and stealing don’t concern me as well, but this too - You have children but it seems likely he’s pissing huge amounts of money up a wall somewhere.

Since he earns more than you and you have been paying proportionately (?) for household expenses he presumably has a fair bit more spending money than you. So what has he been spending it on? He’s had nearly £400 of your money this Monet and so also even more of his own. So he’s probably spent £1,000 or more on himself this month alone. Since he has no savings he will have been spending at least half that in the months before he started taking money from you. What does he do with all that money?

happypoobum no idea where he's gone
Can't go out at the moment I'm gonna have to to it tomorrow on the way to work, I've hid my card though

Mrs Bennett did you miss the posts where OP was trying to talk to her DH and he refused to talk/answer questions?

that came AFTER the posting on here though, didn't it? Hence my post

Why? Cause you re a clever cookie and no man has dared lie to you?

Nope. Because I didn't marry a dickhead. As you say, he was a dick before you married him.

@21stCenturyMrsBennett well OP has tried to talk to him and didn't get very far did she? Just excuses,gaslighting and bullshit.

It's obvious your DH has still not told you the truth and all the sobbing and sulking and lies are all bullshit. I would personally text him saying the only way he is going to be allowed back in the house is by telling you the truth. It might shake him up enough to tell you and only then can you decide how to deal with it.

Good luck

I haven't read every single post, but... prostitutes. How did he smell when he had been working late OP? Had he showered? Did he as soon as he got home?