DH withdrawing cash behind my back

[FuckingDH]

Reading my bank statement I've seen a few cash withdrawals the last couple of months that I didn't recognise but I thought it was me being forgetful
Yesterday when trying to pay at the shop, I couldn't find my card and DH suddenly took it out of his wallet and said He had found it earlier at the kitchen floor. My card was declined by the way although I was convenced I had funds

Not sure why this morning I woke up all suspicious, I checked my bank account again and I had a cash withdraw again same time as he went out before we go to the shop
I'm fucking pissed off 17 years together and now I started doubting other things as well. If he can lie about this God knows what else he's done
So:

1. Do I confront him which he ll probably deny or
2. Do I change the PIN and see what happens when the little fucker tries to take money

WWYD

Well done OP. You've handled this brilliantly.

No idea where you go from here though.

Do you want to stay with him after all this?

Men don't usually leave the family home unless they've got someone else to go to. This does not sound good OP.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

Sorry, just need to scrape my jaw off the floor

What a fucking wankstain

You are absolutely bloody ace btw x

Even if he felt you should be covering more now your earnings are higher, he knows full well that sneaking money out of your account isn't how you address it. Especially to the point your card he's had in his wallet is declined after he's just drained it.

The stuff about his brother is just such a lame deflection. He sounds like a naughty teen busted by his mum, not a married man with children.

I think him going for a bit is what I'd need. I'd also need him to be the one finding counselling etc I'd not be prepared to offer up potential ways forward together.

I don't get the reaction here. If the sexes were reversed there would be so much screeching about family money

Lordy.
He potentially spent YOUR money on another woman??
Seriously

No there wouldn't. Not if the woman was the higher earner and admitted she was taking money out of her husband's account, lying that he told her to, and leaving him unable to pay in shops.

He's probably crying on OW's shoulder right now while they both agree what a total bitch you are.

He's lying. All this gaslighting & bluster. So what story is he sticking to now? Either it's he didn't do it, he did do it but on your instructions and you are losing your mind forgetting it all, he did do it but it's because you 'owe' him for the years you earned less (bringing up his family) or you're a controlling bitch who keeps him chained up in the house. I think that about covers the explanations you've had so far - many of them directly contradictory and none of them the real reason. That is yet to come to light.

If he's gone, I'd be ransacking potential hiding places for evidence of what he's actually been doing.

The stuff about his brother is just such a lame deflection. He sounds like a naughty teen busted by his mum, not a married man with children.
Yes that's concerning. He was like this before we were married, I thought he changes but apparently he was suppressing it. Problem is he doesn't appreciate what he has... he feels tied down rather than in a partnership

All I care about at this point is that he used condom!

Yep going to his bedroom..

Lots of couples have separate accounts and then contribute to a joint account. That’s how it worked for me and exh and we would never have taken money from each other’s account. So ‘family money’ would be only from the joint account.

I know on mumsnet all money is often family money in one pot but I was discussing this with friends recently and we all have joint and separate accounts.

I don't get the reaction here. If the sexes were reversed there would be so much screeching about family money

really? when the OP earns a 1/4 of what the husband does?

people organise their money however suits them best. But this is not about the money

this is about lying and gaslighting and honesty. This is about something that is obviously going on with OPs husband that he is not being open abouit. Whether its resentment, an addiction, another woman or some deep held belief that he is entitled to whatever he wants, he has lied, tried to tell OP she is making stuff up/not remembering/owes him and a whole bunch of guff about how he is the victim here.

This is so NOT about 'family money'

Insist on complete access to his credit file or he leaves today.
He's not even sorry - just putting all the blame on you.

I really hope you get to the bottom of this OP. You are being so strong!

change your pin see if he asks and get another account

Also make sure the card isn't contactless

Thank you I'm not being strong, just passive aggressive possibly !
I went to the loft where he keeps clothes, and other stuff but can't find anything there. To be honest it's the phone I need to look into .... sod it...

Taking the money is bad enough but I really don't think that's why he's crying all the time. He's crying because he's into something much deeper and he is scared he will be busted. His excuses are rubbish, he's just trying to make you feel guilty to get you off his case. You sound very strong, stick to your guns!

It sounds like your husband is Gaslighting you OP turning all the blame around onto you,stealing your card and then pretending that you'd lost your card and he was the big hero who had found it for you,trying to convince you that you'd asked him to take the money out(and if he'd given you the cash what are you supposed to have spent it on?)then in the same breath that you owed him the money.

I would not trust him as far as I could throw him!

I was with my ex husband when I ended that relationship(alot of the same as your going through gaslighting and the money)we had 2 very young DC and we'd been together nearly 10 years and I had no money but the best thing I ever did was end that marriage.

Can you log into his e-mail account?

The only reason he would use OP's money is because he ran out of his own. It's highly risky and he knows it. He must have been desperate to risk her finding out. My guess is that he's broke.

So sorry OP - if no one else has suggested this already, you should also get an STD check done.

He's crying all the time cause he's caught out, plus he's a wuss

It's the work email he's using for everything, how do I log in there? Can I'm upload to my phone? It's outlook

You really are being strong - and far from passive aggressive. You're being straight forward and assertive and you should be bloody proud of yourself.

I doubt you will be able to log into his work e mail. Companies are usually shit hot on having a several layer access with regular password changes.

You're probably stronger than you think. The fact that you're thinking what you can do to get to the bottom of this rather than crying in a heap (unlike someone else feeling sorry for himself as been caught out) speaks volumes. As for his email does he access it through his phone? Obv you need his password.