DH withdrawing cash behind my back

[FuckingDH]

Reading my bank statement I've seen a few cash withdrawals the last couple of months that I didn't recognise but I thought it was me being forgetful
Yesterday when trying to pay at the shop, I couldn't find my card and DH suddenly took it out of his wallet and said He had found it earlier at the kitchen floor. My card was declined by the way although I was convenced I had funds

Not sure why this morning I woke up all suspicious, I checked my bank account again and I had a cash withdraw again same time as he went out before we go to the shop
I'm fucking pissed off 17 years together and now I started doubting other things as well. If he can lie about this God knows what else he's done
So:

1. Do I confront him which he ll probably deny or
2. Do I change the PIN and see what happens when the little fucker tries to take money

WWYD

If he wasn't injured breaking up this "fight", it could be that he was fighting and is worried that he'll be charged or that it will get back to you somehow, and is trying to get his version in first.

I hope you manage to find out what’s going on OP. I really hope it isn’t gambling as I don’t know of anyone who successfully managed to give that up without losing everything first. Whatever it is, it clearly isn’t something you’re going to want to hear or he would have told you already. The silent treatment is buying himself time to come up with a convincing lie, so be wary of whatever story he does tell you. So sorry you’re going through this. Any betrayal of trust is a horrible thing.

Now that you know that he has been lying and stealing I would do as much investigating as you can to try to do some damage limitation. The problem could be bigger than taking a few hundred pounds. I would check any finances, accounts, cards, mortgage etc that he has access to and make sure everything is as it should be. I would go through his pockets, bag, car, wallet etc and look for anything that's out of the ordinary. Look for receipts, lottery tickets, matches from casinos, small pens from bookies etc which would all point to a gambling problem. If he is out of control spending money you need to stop him having access to it. The story about breaking up a fight might have been a lie - it's the sort of thing someone could say to cover up for something else. I know someone who said that shock, horror they had been burgled when in fact they owed a lot of money to dealers who came for what they were owed.

It's shit but you need to be practical rather than emotional and think about self-preservation before all else. If he admits to having an addiction that would be a first step but it would not be an end to the addiction.

Did he come home with unexplained injuries and then use the 'breaking up a fight' story as a cover?

Is there any way you could check his bank statements (does he have paper copies filed anywhere)....or is that a huge invasion of privacy? I'm trying to decide if it's justified considering he's stolen from you.

He knew he was tumbled when he handed over your card and it was subsequently declined. The silent treatment must be infuriating. I'd be going through my bank account with a fine tooth comb, checking my credit report to make sure no joint loans etc had appeared, making sure the mortgage/rent was up to date.

I wonder if he's invested in some kind of "get rich quick" con scheme? Or bitcoins/stocks shares? You really need him to show you his bank statements but it doesn't sound like that is going to be forthcoming. People can and do spend staggering amounts at the bookies and also tracks like horse and greyhound. I know someone who practically gambled their house away. High earner, but chasing the win nearly bankrupted them.

Smilesweetly - that's exactly what I was thinking. The "fight" could have been the husband of OW or someone roughing him up because of money owed.

Be careful if you change the PIN, if he takes the card again and keeps trying the old PIN the card will be blocked/kept by the machine I think and you might end up with no access to cash for a while.. Not sure if this has been mentioned already

Ok we had massive argument, went through everything this month alone is £380!
He's tried to tell me I owe him this money from years I was getting paid less and contributing less. All bullshit!
Also he said he feel suppressed cause I don't let him go out, have a blow out and all this shit.... his brother with 2 kids is apparently going out every night getting hammered , but I don't let him do that
God knows what other shit came out of his mouth, I was calm and went through all his recent shit
Result: I told him to go sort himself out and get out of my face and he said he ll pay my 380 on Wednesday when he gets paid
He's upstairs sobbing as well. He d better stay up there...

Thank you all, lovely lovely people, just talking about this and your responses was the reason I'm calm and on top of it
Love you all x

Has he told you yet what he's spent it on?!?

If he was purely taking it as he thought he was 'owed' it (wtf) he wild have it ready to give back to you

But what is he doing with the money? Haven't you asked him that? What is he spending it on? And why has he just started doing it?

SmileSweetly no not injuries at all just a shit attitude
Also I'm not bothered about privacy, fuck that, I'm certainly going to check his phone when he's having a shower...

You're handling this so well, OP. You're a class act and he doesn't deserve you.

Does he actually think going out getting hammered every night is a good thing?

Well done on calm, calm is scary!

Right. So £380 in my area is about 100 pints of lager. Nice try, mate. Where's it gone, and on what?

He hasn't said anything, he was cornered but said nothing... he knows I'm serious so he might come up with something later..
I asked specifically about gambling and whether he was having an affair especially when working late in two particular occasions, he laughed and said don't be silly ... not buying that!
I think it's a woman, don't think it's gambling (but then again I thought he was an angel so what I think it's irrelevant)
I ll wait till more stuff come out

So he's not admitting to why then? You're doing great keeping calm 💐

Does he actually think going out getting hammered every night is a good thing?
Well he's an idiot so yes!

Thank you 😊 x

That's the best excuse he could come up with? I think you need to insist on seeing his bank account statements now. He's lying.

Victim blaming.

Yes I know I need to find a way to get in there ...

So the fact you worked and cared for his baby doesn’t count as contributing? Does he realise that childcare normally costs most parents?

He's left (temporarily I'm sure) , I told him earlier he needs to go and think what he's done so he's out.... He needs that, he needs to appreciate what he has and he won't do it while he's here.... it is what it is...

How the hell do you come back from such a deceit only God knows!