DH withdrawing cash behind my back

[FuckingDH]

Reading my bank statement I've seen a few cash withdrawals the last couple of months that I didn't recognise but I thought it was me being forgetful
Yesterday when trying to pay at the shop, I couldn't find my card and DH suddenly took it out of his wallet and said He had found it earlier at the kitchen floor. My card was declined by the way although I was convenced I had funds

Not sure why this morning I woke up all suspicious, I checked my bank account again and I had a cash withdraw again same time as he went out before we go to the shop
I'm fucking pissed off 17 years together and now I started doubting other things as well. If he can lie about this God knows what else he's done
So:

1. Do I confront him which he ll probably deny or
2. Do I change the PIN and see what happens when the little fucker tries to take money

WWYD

Middle life crisis, or affair? Im not sure about the gambling thing, I think it's deeper than that... all possibilities, including blackmail from someone about a past indiscretion. I really feel for you OP - the silent treatment speaks volumes. Look after yourself.

Breaking up a fight?

Were you there when this happened?

No more games. He needs to stop the lying, crying and ignoring if he wants to save this marriage and family. He needs to be completely honest, help you understand what's going on and why. It's the only way forward. Tell him all the above, tell him you need to see his bank statements etc. Tell him if you're wrong you'll apologise, but it shouldn't be an issue for him if he's nothing to hide.

Thatssomebadhatharry I'm really sorry for what you've experienced wrt your dad. I've seen mine hit my mum, smash dishes, hit me, swear shout all that so I 1000% sympathise. Trust me I know what abuse you're talking about...

This does not negate this particular abuse though. Lying and manipulation is abuse. If it turns out he is going through depression, I will possibly stand by him (within tolerance and assuming nothing will extend to kids safety). For how I cannot be assuming anything and I DO expect my other half to not lie to me to any extend! Nothing, zero, nada!! I don't know which day he woke up and thought its ok to lie to his wife. After 17 years it's all about teamwork nothing else so this is pretty shit and unacceptable and yes it's abuse, abuse of someone's feelings and trust.... if anyone, man, wife, donkey think they can get away with shit like that, they are fucking dickheads.

HTH

I think the trying to make you believe you told him to take your card and withdraw money just makes it worse than him admitting the taking.

What are the details around these "bad decisions" OP? They might shed light.

Did he come home injured and say he had broken up a fight? Or did you actually witness the event?

A friend of mine went through something similar and the outcome/reasons behind it was something none of us could have predicted...

happypoobum no I wasn't he told me later while bragging himself for helping someone

I agree it's the lying rather than the money

Wanted also to say thank you all for support and taking the time to reply

OP I had this with my OH, it was a gambling addiction but I knew about it (although people only decided to divulge this information to me after we had been together a year and a half and I was 6 months pregnant) I went through years of hiding money, cards, cancelling cards, living with basically nothing when he would spend his whole monthly wage in an hour, I would have to try and make do with my wage with 2 young children and him to support it was horrendous. I ended up with depression and on medication. He still would not admit he had a problem. It eventually got better, he gave me his bank card, I now lift wages straight out the bank and keep everything hidden. I am absolutely vonvinved it will happen again and im a parranoid wreck but it had been ok for about 2 uears now. I really hope that's not what this is and it's just something innocent.

If you think he is going to be honest ask to sit down and go through every bank account and every bill to ensure they are being paid.

Since you asked him to get money from your account he obviously gave it to you with the card. Right? How did you pay the shop after your card was declined?

He is a CF

tenterden why what happened to your friend?
Bad decisions as in fight breaking and taking money.

From bitter experience my very first thought was gambling and your last post hasn't changed it. Can you be sure your increased financial contribution isn't freeing up more of his funds to gamble?

The sobbing and now silent treatment are classic manipulation tactics to shut you up. If it is gambling I can't stress how important it is to establish the full facts as soon as possible with credit reports from every agency (all available free) and you getting the bank accounts locked down. You have to stop the financial bleeding before you can even start to consider further action. Such obvious stealing from you is a sign of desperation. Find out what he's hiding.

Fuzzywig I used my other card, a credit card which I don't want to use for stuff like this
He says he gave me the money, I remember none of that! Few months ago I would give him my card to go and get cash but that was ages ago. Since I changed job if I need cash I take it from the place I work (ATM onsite)

Sorry to be blunt.
He was beaten up, either owed a gambling debt or drug debt.

But how will I know if it's gambling if he uses his own money mainly?

My friends DH came home with an injury (via police station and hospital) and said he had broken up a fight. It turned out he had been beaten up whilst cottaging (picking up men for casual sex in public toilets)

What I meant was, you need to pull together all the fragments of what has been going on recently and see if there is anything else amiss.

If he refuses to talk to you about it, you either brush it all under the carpet or you give him an ultimatum of fess up or fuck off. However, I doubt he will give you a true version of events. It will be drip, drip, drip.

TheQueef no he didn't come home beaten up at all. Just one day coming from work he came to tell him he witnessed a fight and stopped it. I went mad as anything could have happened but what annoyed me is the way he was bragging about it and what a good Christian he is. Hence I think its a middle like crisis thibg

To be honest though he could be in the shit from all the time that you weren't contributing @FuckingDH. Where was your money going then?

I was contributing but not to the level he was . He was making 4 times more than me!

Ah I understand.
If he is gambling with cash you can only follow him to the bookies but if he's using his account for it there will be a paper/email/app trail.

Hope you get to the bottom of it OP

But how will I know if it's gambling if he uses his own money mainly?

If you can get him to agree to show you his bank statments you may see unexplained cash withdrawals or you may see online gambling transactions. Getting his credit reports will show you if he has bank accounts he hasn't disclosed to you. Dh had an account I didn't know about which kept the joint account squeaky clean on the face of it.

Op disclosed her PIN to her dp,he accessed account.bank won’t investigate as fraud
CCTV will not be released to op.no point pursuing that. Anyway she knows it’s him
Change PIN number and never disclose it again

Change the PIN pronto! Then wait and see what happens.

He’s been beaten?id guess it’s over a disputed debt. Drugs/gambling?

You will know it is gambling when he is unable to pay the bills and you have debt collector at your door and your home is repossessed. If it is gambling your want to know way before that point. You really need to get your DH to tell you exactly what is going on.