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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH withdrawing cash behind my back

627 replies

FuckingDH · 29/07/2018 06:28

Reading my bank statement I've seen a few cash withdrawals the last couple of months that I didn't recognise but I thought it was me being forgetful
Yesterday when trying to pay at the shop, I couldn't find my card and DH suddenly took it out of his wallet and said He had found it earlier at the kitchen floor. My card was declined by the way although I was convenced I had funds

Not sure why this morning I woke up all suspicious, I checked my bank account again and I had a cash withdraw again same time as he went out before we go to the shop
I'm fucking pissed off 17 years together and now I started doubting other things as well. If he can lie about this God knows what else he's done
So:

  1. Do I confront him which he ll probably deny or
  2. Do I change the PIN and see what happens when the little fucker tries to take money
WWYD
OP posts:
BrokenWing · 29/07/2018 11:54

He's upstairs sobbing

you need to get to the bottom of it OP, 17 years into a relationship with no red flags to this, something is seriously wrong.

Don't play games or try tactical moves as some other posters suggested, if possible get the kids out for the night to stay at a grandparent. Tell him now you are worried as his behaviour is unusual and concerning and once the kids are away you are expecting full disclosure of exactly what, no matter how difficult, is going on even if you need to stay up all night. Tell him you will listen to what he has to say but any deflection, crying, going off sulking is not acceptable. You expect him to stay in the room and talk it out until you understand, it has got to be complete truth tonight.

My bil had an similar issue and his dw eventually admitted to £70k of debit but never admitted to where it all went (I think it built up over years, maybe helping her widowed mother out a bit), it included her forging his signature on a substantial loan. He tried to make it work, resolved the debt by re-mortaging the house, but the marriage never recovered and they split 3 years later. Another bil gambled away £20k of savings, but after owning up, attending gamblers anonymous, admitting his issues and being terrified of the mess he created, agreeing to not having direct access to money they are still together and happily married 14 years later (I remember as their dd was 1 at the time).

Don't think it is the end of your marriage, yet, if you get the full truth and you can understand his motives there is hope.

Bibesia · 29/07/2018 11:58

Are you sure he's working at all? It seems really extreme to have been withdrawing money from your account every day this week.

Thatssomebadhatharry · 29/07/2018 12:00

Angel maybe I should have said ‘as a spouse’ but I standby my point. This is not a feminist issue. This is seeing someone who is potentially in trouble who is meant to be (minus kids) there most important person to them. That’s a marraige. She can choose to focus on the lie and labelling it whatever kicking him out and not looking back. He is acting like dick right now yes. This can be addressed and should be. However do we not try and support people, give them a chance and see if they need help. This is not weak.

Iv seen the best and worse of humanity and been alive long enough to know that the best of people can display behaviours that are borderline abusive. Intent is important to me. My father was abusive and intended to make his children and wife feel scared and small. Ops husbands intent MAY be just to get out of situation that terrifies him. He may not intent to hurt and In fact want to protect his family. So of you think tough both are abusers and should be labelled as such this is where I have to disagree.

I maybe wrong op could be a irredeemably prick but none of us really know.

MortyVicar · 29/07/2018 12:07

He's giving you the silent treatment as his next tactic. the sobbing didn't work because you didn't go upstairs to him and say 'there, there, there, it doesn't matter' and let him off the hook. Nor did you accept his explanation that he took the money because you asked him to (if you asked him to, why didn't he give you the money? What did you tell him to do with the money? Bet he can't answer those.)

And there is something going on - you just don't know what yet. Whatever he tries, remember this isn't you, it's him.

SpongeBobGrannyPants · 29/07/2018 12:08

I'd suspect he has a gambling problem OP.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 29/07/2018 12:10

Have you looked back yet to see how long this has been going on for?

What made you think he might have been with someone else?

I would get someone to mind the kids (if you can) then tell him he has one chance to come clean about everything. Anyone else and the money. Be very clear that he has this ONE chance to discuss it and see where you go from here and that if you find out anything else after this you will be filing for divorce. Oh, and that if he attempts to gas light you again, like you’re some fucking idiot, he’d better have a friends sofa to kip on tonight because he will be leaving.

Fucking toad.

ColumboHere · 29/07/2018 12:12

The fact that the is taking your money OP would indicate that doesn't have any of his own.

You need to see his bank a/c statements asap.

Do you also know his PIN? If he is ignoring you and refusing to talk, take his card and just get a balance or mini statement at the cashpoint.

Something is obviously very wrong but the blanking would anger me more than the stealing at this stage. How bloody arrogant to not even give you the courtesy of a conversation.

kateandme · 29/07/2018 12:15

there are two types of lyers. some lie and try to tell you things not to "Gaslight" but because they are terrified and cant bare the shame that's comeing.some sob and cry because of their guilt and shame.
yes some because they are abusive bastards.but not always.
debt sends people to all sorts of places they wouldn't ever ever go to.
there is a very real difference to an abusers intent to manipulate and hurt or a hurting person that cant see a way out of their lies.
yes lynch him if he is a prick but he might not be.many aren't.many are.

hownowbrowncoww · 29/07/2018 12:15

@FuckingDH I think your last post is absolutely just and called for. I hate coming onto Mumsnet and so many people are saying ahhh but I love him it’s ok. It’s not ok to be treated this way. And you can see it.
He’s up to something.

You’re yet to find out what it is. I wouldn’t be surprised if he felt more entitled to do this shit since you’ve had a better job.

Keep the anger up whilst you look after yourself and don’t allow him to control this. 17 years of marriage should not end up with you concerned who’s taking money from your accounts behind your backs. Flowers

Jeezoh · 29/07/2018 12:20

The bank won’t be interested in this case if the OP has given him her PIN as she’d be admitting to breaching the terms of her account which require her to keep the PIN private.

In your position, I’d change the PIN, look at statements for as far back as you can and get a picture of how long this has been happening. I’d also get my credit report from Experian or similar and then not engage with him until he’s ready to give you an honest account of what he’s been up to and also access to his own accounts and his own credit report so there’s nothing he can hide. I’d also tell him that nothing less than total honesty is needed if you’re able to move past this.

Hugs to you OP, sounds like it’s beem a shock for you

abilockhart · 29/07/2018 12:20

He should be begging for your forgiveness and transferring £100s back into your account, buying you flowers and promising that it will never happen again.

If only it were that simple. There is a lot more at stake here than just a couple of hundred quid.

harshbuttrue1980 · 29/07/2018 12:23

On mumsnet, money is always "family money", so therefore it wouldn't be possible to steal from a spouse. Op, if he is having to pay most of the outgoings, maybe he is struggling to do this or feels he shouldn't have to pay more than his share? You need to have a good honest talk with him

Ryder63 · 29/07/2018 12:26

You need to have a good honest talk with him

OP is being given the silent treatment as a diversionary tactic, unfortunately.......

ShumpaLumpa · 29/07/2018 12:28

The fucker's actually trying to gaslight you Shock

Stirner · 29/07/2018 12:28

@FuckingDH - did you start contributing more to the household out goings when your wages went up?

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/07/2018 12:29

How dare he try and blame you and say you asked him

You need to do a total Financial overhaul of all accounts

Ask to see his statements - see what he’s been spending on and if in the red

Bluelady · 29/07/2018 12:30

OP has been stolen from. The fact that it's her husband doesn't make it OK. It was in an account in her name so not "family money" - bloody ridiculous concept.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 29/07/2018 12:32

I couldn't be with a lying bastard. Especially when he is trying to turn it onto you. There is no going back.

LexieLulu · 29/07/2018 12:32

Be careful OP, if you husband earns so much more than you buy needs to take money from your account, maybe things aren't ok financially?

Does he gamble?
And yes check your credit score in case he's got cards in your name

SmileSweetly · 29/07/2018 12:36

@MotherofTerriers has perfectly listed everything you need to do.

I believe once you start digging you will uncover more worrying behaviour. I think his actions are pretty desperate and you are about to discover a bigger problem.

Has he had problems with money before? Gambling?

zsazsajuju · 29/07/2018 12:36

The lying and gaslighting is very worrying. Gambling or prossers would be my guess.

peanutbutterandbanana · 29/07/2018 12:36

@abilockhart If only it were that simple. There is a lot more at stake here than just a couple of hundred quid.

You are correct - my comment was about what his behaviour SHOULD be rather than the sobbing and sulking he is doing. If he was innocent he would be totally repentent and trying to put things right. His behaviour = suspicious. Also I never mentioned that £200 would suffice. I said 'hundreds of pounds' in short form (OP has no idea how much he has taken from her).

mirialis · 29/07/2018 12:42

Many people do have "family money" pooled in a joint account as well as personal accounts and it is "family money" even without that set up, in the event of a divorce.

However, the OP's DH has been going into her personal account and taking money from it and lying both about the taking of the card "I found it on the floor" and the taking of the money and when that wouldn't wash he said that she gave him permission to do that. He stole the money (took it without permission) and he knows that, which is why he is lying.

Hope you do not uncover something too horrendous here OP. This happened to a friend of mine (no dc) and it turned out it was to fund a secret and spiraling coke habit but it feels like something else in your case. Flowers

Original poster
FuckingDH · 29/07/2018 12:48

We went to soft play, came back, still silent treatment. Let's see if I give a fuck, i ll wait till he opens his mouth eventually.... if anything I ll wait till the kids go to bed...

To clarify, yes I started contributing quite a bit the last two months. Just the other day he told me how less stressed he feels financially as I started helping out so much.

He has made a couple of shit decisions the last couple of months, which I was very surprised about (one was breaking up a fight which I'm not happy about), so I do wonder if he's going through something. Middle life crisis, or affair? Im not sure about the gambling thing, I think it's deeper than that...

OP posts:
Thatssomebadhatharry · 29/07/2018 12:48

kateandme I agree. I am currently battling PND and am mostly through. This was 100% due to the loving support of my husband. I look back on my actions these last few months and all the terms thrown around mumsnet I could have been labelled as. I am thankful my dh didn’t see me sobbing and though ‘manipulative bitch’. I am thankful he took our marriage vows seriously and loved and supported me. I am sure there are other men who would see him as a pussy who should have stuck up for himself as I packed his bags and told him to fuck off more than once for him suggesting I get fresh air or some other small thing.