DH withdrawing cash behind my back

[FuckingDH]

Reading my bank statement I've seen a few cash withdrawals the last couple of months that I didn't recognise but I thought it was me being forgetful
Yesterday when trying to pay at the shop, I couldn't find my card and DH suddenly took it out of his wallet and said He had found it earlier at the kitchen floor. My card was declined by the way although I was convenced I had funds

Not sure why this morning I woke up all suspicious, I checked my bank account again and I had a cash withdraw again same time as he went out before we go to the shop
I'm fucking pissed off 17 years together and now I started doubting other things as well. If he can lie about this God knows what else he's done
So:

1. Do I confront him which he ll probably deny or
2. Do I change the PIN and see what happens when the little fucker tries to take money

WWYD

Yes he could be a gambling addict or cheating or snorting coke of prostitues tits, but as a wife surely there is a duty of care

Oh so “as a wife” you have a duty of care, but as a husband you can steal and lie and treat your wife like shit, but it’s all ok, you’ll still have women falling over themselves to make excuses for you and tell the wife she should have done better.

@MotherofTerriers - very good, succinct advice.

I'm so sorry this is happening, OP. 🍷💐 .

If he has money and pays for most of the outgoings, why is he taking yours? Is he suddenly feeling indignant at being the major wage earner (if he is) and this is some sort of odd rebuke?

Crikey - he's giving YOU the silent treatment??? The sulky, controlling, manipulative tosspot!! Your only crime is that you found him out and called him on it!!! He should be begging for your forgiveness and transferring £100s back into your account, buying you flowers and promising that it will never happen again.

I think his behaviour is obviously wrong. I don't think that is in dispute. But it is odd. There might be something really wrong. Only the op knows whether she can support her DH through whatever problem and then only if she knows what it is. 'Duty of care' is an arguable point. The op might not be qualified to deal with whatever is going on. Support might be best gained from outside services.

OP, is there any way of finding out what his financial situation is like?

Hope I'm wrong but I have a horrible feeling you've just stumbled across the tip of a very nasty iceberg.

It’s diminishing the term for actual abuse victims.

Oh, do give over.

What is harmful to abuse victims is people like you refusing to allow people to accurately label abuse for what it is. Take issue with the unkindness of abusing your spouse, not the supposed unkindness of accurately labelling gaslighting as gaslighting.

If you genuinely cannot see that trying to make somebody doubt their own sanity, question reality, crying to manipulate them into backing down, and then following up with silent treatment is all abusive and does, as a statement of objective fact, include gaslighting then you do not understand abuse and are being irresponsible by interjecting to guilt trip someone for supposedly not honouring wedding vows.

Just because an abusive man is not an identical replica of your father it does not mean he is not abusive, or that it's not "actual abuse" because the OP hasn't ended up in hospital. You recognise that precise form of abuse, but you clearly don't recognise the dynamics of abuse when you see them. And that is an issue if you're going to pop up telling people they need to try harder to acquiesce to partners demonstrating abusive behaviours.

Good grief.

Are you sure he isn't blubbing, because he's also robbed the children ?
You deserve better, until he can man up and explain himself, I'd send him packing.
Sorry this has happened to you.🌸

I would check back, see how much he’s taken and find out the purpose of taking it. What’s he spending it on? And why cash?

Not much compassion on here for a person that may be struggling. As previous posters have said debt is a very big problem and soon mounts up, no matter what your financial position is. Two posters have said they know of people who have committed suicide. Surely the previous 17 years mean more than a poxy £200 quid.

Somethong is very wrong here

Op, try to put your (justified) anger to one side for npw and talk to him

Whatever the iceberg this is the tip of, you need to know. It could be a forgivable one, it might not. But this current completely polarised position is not going to give you piece of mind anyway

*peace

OP your husband is lucky that the bank haven't caught him and blocked your card.

I've known couples who have sent each other to take money out, and the bank due to checking CCTV have blocked one of their cards then brought them in to warn them.

If you have the Barclays app you can temporarily freeze your card.

You can absolutely start a fraud case. They will investigate; although if it turns out that it's your DH and he knows your PIN, they won't refund.

But they'll investigate and help you to secure your account. It would be a violation of their conduct guidelines to do otherwise.

Go to bank and get full statements for the last 6 month and go through them, highlight any withdrawals you might not recognise and go from there.

I would ask him to leave meantime as you don’t want a thief in the house.

Online credit report ASAP. You obviously can't trust him.

Regardless of his reasoning for doing it, he lied and he gaslighted you

Crocodile tears.

If it is your named account and you have told him your pin then it is no use telling your bank he has made withdrawals on the account.

Change the pin, keep it secret, and don't let him have your card as he could still use it for contactless payments .

When you find out why he's doing it, it will be worse, not better. I would tell him to either move out or you will involve the bank and the police and pursue fraud charges against him. He's an arsehole and you're done here.

The rest of the thread didn't load but hopefully that'll help somebody one day anyway...

I'm sorry, OP. I can't see anything good that this could be.

What anyfucker said.

Is there any point starting a fraud case? The OP knows who did it, she disclosed her pin to someone not on the account, so she’s been negligent (in the eyes of the bank). She would most likely need to report it to the police / action fraud. The bank won’t refund. It seems like an utterly pointless exercise.

Except as a threat to get him to leave.

Not saying he’s right to take it, or to go about it in the way he did, but would hope it was something stupid like that, than any of the above

I'm not sure, of course gambling is a very serious problem but stealing from your wife because you think you're owed it is dispicable and I'm not sure I could come back from that,

I'd assume also sadly the op has stumbled onto something that she's yet to have full knowledge of.