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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed when people insist you can’t hsve an old child

136 replies

Scotgirl80 · 29/07/2018 01:44

Errhhh

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 29/07/2018 18:45

'Dead kids'?
FFS, MrsBennett. Angry

Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 30/07/2018 13:44

‘Children shouldn’t be onlies’ really. Wow. As someone who medically couldn’t have anymore. And made a huge decision that impacted mine and my husband life that’s the sort of comment that makes me feel even more selfish than I feel already.

So I should have more and end up house bound and be in more pain should I?

BertrandRussell · 30/07/2018 14:02

“Children shouldn’t be onlies’ really. Wow. As someone who medically couldn’t have anymore. And made a huge decision that impacted mine and my husband life that’s the sort of comment that makes me feel even more selfish than I feel already.“

Just a tip. If, when you cut and paste, you have to edit the quotation by adding a capital letter so it looks like a complete sentence when it wasn’t, that may not be an entirely honest thing to do.

areyouactuallykidding · 30/07/2018 14:13

I think that in an ideal world and everything else being equal, children shouldn’t be onlies

@betrandrussell your full sentence was no more pleasant. You’ve probably made a load of parents feel like shit with such a judgemental comment based on nothing. There’s no reason at all why children ‘shouldn’t be onlies’.

BertrandRussell · 30/07/2018 14:18

You missed “But it’s none of anyone else’s business-feel free to be short with them”

areyouactuallykidding · 30/07/2018 15:13

If you know it’s no-one else’s business why are you offering an opinion?

I guess I’m being short with you then

areyouactuallykidding · 30/07/2018 15:14

Reminds me a bit of the old ‘I’m not a racist, but....’

Eenymeeny123 · 30/07/2018 15:26

I think people will comment no matter what the circumstances. If you have 2 boys they will say 'you have to go for the girl 'and visa versa. If you have 2 boys and a girl, they will say 'ah you kept going for the girl.' If you have girl, boy, girl people will say 'you had the gentlemen family why did you go for the third'. If you have more then 3 they will say 'how do you cope with such a large family'. And if you have one then they say 'one is lonely'. And so on. Some people just like sticking their noses into someone else's business.

BertrandRussell · 30/07/2018 15:27

“If you know it’s no-one else’s business why are you offering an opinion?”

Because this is a thread about only children on AIBU? Because other people are offering their opinions?

CantChoose · 30/07/2018 15:36

I always comment on these threads just to say I love being an only. My husband is one too and we will definitely not have more than one child.
We are successful but not spoiled and have lots of close family and friends, just no siblings...

StoatOfManyColours · 30/07/2018 15:37

People are dicks. Point out their bickering kids and compare it to your lovely calm home. Point out that you can afford to go on holiday when they can't. If you're really on a roll talk about how you will be to be able to leave a whole house to your child in their inheritance, rather than having to split it.

If those things don't work, thump 'em in the chops.

And definitely call them out on it, nosey shites.

Katherine2626 · 30/07/2018 17:43

Why do people think they have the right to say this. I would burst into tears and sob that I couldn't have any more. That should do it.

user1493391099 · 30/07/2018 17:49

Yes it does! What if people have tried for another child but it just hasn’t happened? People are so tactless and I find that old people are the worst for this. Who wants to live through pure poverty by lumbering yourself with 3 or 4 kids and not be able to buy their children clothes, or not going on nice holidays, no thanks.

haverhill · 30/07/2018 17:58

I have just one. He’s bright, sweet-natured and quite able to share with others. I know lots of people with more than one child. They certainly don’t seem noticeably happier or more well-balanced.
I do think sometimes people feel threatened by anything different to their own situation/ choices. I also think some people are envious of the advantages of having just one and try to stick the knife in.

Mummadeeze · 30/07/2018 17:59

I only have one through choice, I would never have considered two for personal reasons. Am quite lucky in that people haven’t really probed me for the reasons why. My daughter is imaginative and kind and although she gets treated a lot she is grateful and not spoilt. I really don’t agree that she is worse off being an only child in any way, even though I was close to my sister.

Mummyschnauzer · 30/07/2018 18:02

People are knobs. In a similar position to you. Nearly died having DS left with secondary infertility I just say to people we probably can’t have more, I nearly died having DS and I’d rather have an only child than a motherless one. Some people still think a sibling who ds might detest, be a big drain on our resources, might cause my death is still “worth it though”. Quite frankly I think many kids would be better off without siblings

vincettenoir · 30/07/2018 18:06

I know loads of only children who went on to choose to have one child themselves. So it really can’t be that bad.

Myheartbelongsto · 30/07/2018 18:07

When I was pregnant on my third a woman called me a greedy bitch and did I know what was causing it.

You can't win.

FoodologistGirl · 30/07/2018 18:25

I only have one child and she’s well adjusted and much better behaved than her 2 spoilt cousins. I always insisted that instead of just buying loads stuff for her she’d have my time instead. So she was just a lucky child not a spoilt one.

Skywest · 30/07/2018 18:42

I used to get this a lot. I have one 5 year old. I have no interest in having any more children. It would affect us all far too much financially and emotionally, I haven't found being a parent and all it brings particularly easy. Aside from the fact that I don't want another child and it's no one else business. I do think people expect I will change my mind. I'm sad about it a bit, but I know I wouldn't cope with doing it all again.

JacquesHammer · 30/07/2018 18:45

For a great many years when I was grieving not being able to have a second, I did so from the point of view of my DD missing out.

Now I have come to terms with it I realise that actually having a sibling couldn’t have made her life any more positive. I know she feels exactly the same way!

jessebuni · 30/07/2018 19:03

You have a right to be annoyed with anyone insisting near anything to do with the number of children you have. Unless that number is an insanely large number that you would be unable to care for the number of children you choose to have is between you and the other parent. Anyone else is rude to insist anything else.

dorisdog · 30/07/2018 19:11

No-one has ever said this to me (I have one DC). Most people I know have more than one child (out of the friends who actually have children). I would find it so bloody rude if anyone else had commented on the situation!

MrDarcysMistress · 30/07/2018 19:18

I still get this - my DS is 10 now!

My stock response is that it's my uterus and therefore my choice about what I do with it.

Pumpkinbell · 30/07/2018 19:34

OP if you are happy with just one child tell them all to mind their own business. We only have 1 DD5 and got asked the same thing from the minute she was born. We are stretched financially and in terms of childcare (school hols, after school etc) with 1 who we love dearly and would not be without. To have another would mean me giving up work so even less money than we have now. At least now we can have a couple of cheap seaside caravan holidays (£9.50 sun one and a normal one), spend 1:1 time with her and spend what little cash we do have doing things with her!! Yes a 2nd would have been lovely but sometimes finances and family support dictate. Do what you are happy with x Bear