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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Annoyed when people insist you can’t hsve an old child

136 replies

Scotgirl80 · 29/07/2018 01:44

Errhhh

OP posts:
Allyg1185 · 29/07/2018 08:25

I only have one and when I get asked whens number 2 I just say never dh is firing blanks. Ends the conversation on the spot lol hes not hes had a vasectomy but I prefer my version

proudestofmums · 29/07/2018 08:27

I have only one (by choice) nd used to answer this question by laughing it off saying we found out where we were going wrong after DS

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 29/07/2018 08:27

The notion of having another child to 'give' your existing child a sibling is a complete nonsense (IMO), so that disqualifies all the comments about you being selfish etc. I have three, and I know we would have struggled with being limited to one if that had happened to us, but from observing friends and peers I really do think there are lots of benefits to being/having an only child that absolutely balance out any downsides (and vice versa).

And quite apart from that, it's none of anyone else's damn business and you owe nobody an explanation, no more than I do for having a third after a big gap (happened to be a girl after two boys and the number of people who assume I must have been after a daughter is Angry-making. I sometimes tell them I've had 6 miscarriages and sex really wasn't at the forefront of my mind).

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 29/07/2018 08:28

Nothing wrong with being an only child - I am one. Had a brilliant childhood and never really wanted brothers and sisters, except when I went through a 'if I had a brother, he would have lots of friends and I could meet them' phase in my teens! My DH is an only child too and we understand that as nobody with siblings could. I do think only children are much more self-sufficient as they have to be, but that is no bad thing. I used to entertain myself for hours in the garden when I was small.

AnoukSpirit · 29/07/2018 08:29

I think people who say this are jealous. They probably would find having one child easier so are martyring themselves.

It doesn't excuse it, but I do tend to view a lot of these kinds of comments as people trying to justify their own life choices to themselves, or bring a sense of certainty and control back into their life by painting things as black and white.

If, say, someone regretted having two kids but had felt pushed into it and obliged to have two, some people would deal with that by telling themselves all the OTT things people say about only children and that they had to have more than one. Which makes it easier to bear. Then you come along and challenge all that, so they get defensive and start pushing their issues onto you to regain that comfort that they didn't have any other choice etc etc.

Also, some people are just inconsiderate arseholes. Sometimes being blunt - whether with your actual reason or a made up one - is the best way to go. It's none of their business either way and is impolite of them to pry, so you owe them no duty of honesty or fawning politeness.

PeapodBurgundy · 29/07/2018 08:31

People really do need to mind their own business. I'm not quite in the same boat, as I'm due number 2 in a few weeks, but MIL was already on about how many children we want overall even though I've not finished cooking this one yet. I told her I'm planning on getting my tubes done after this pregnancy, and she hit the roof and told me I'm not allowed.
Funnily enough this didn't affect my plans. My body didn't cope particularly well with my first pregnancy. It's coped less well with this one. I had 5 miscarriages before DS, and one in between DS and this pregnancy. That's quite enough to put my body through I think. She knows all of this, yet doesn't get why we want to draw the line here! I tell people my body won't cope with another pregnancy (which I don't think it would) and that tends to end the conversation more often than not.

Accountant222 · 29/07/2018 08:32

Some people have something to say about everything, kids names, weight etc. My answer is 'when I want a opinion I'll ask for one'

glintandglide · 29/07/2018 08:32

I can very much see the attraction of one, actually. We decided against it but I think in the early days everyone would’ve been better off stopping at one. Better behaviour, more attention, closer relationship.

PeapodBurgundy · 29/07/2018 08:35

Flowers for ElderlyLady (your comment appeared while I was typing my response)

BigPinkBall · 29/07/2018 08:37

Whenever I’m asked when I’m having a 2nd I always point out that DH is an only child and he’s one of the friendliest, happiest, most well adjusted and least selfish people that I know so we think it’s better to keep DD as an only. Most people know I had a horrendous pregnancy where I visibly lost a lot of weight and couldn’t leave the house for 6 months because of hyperemesis so they know not to ask anyway!

Celebelly · 29/07/2018 08:42

It baffles me too. I was an only child and I have no recollection of ever asking for or wanting a brother and sister. It was just me and my mum for most of my childhood and it was fantastic. I don't know why there's this insistence from some people that you need more than one. I enjoyed being an only child so much that I've always said I would only ever have one myself. I'm pregnant now so we will see if I change my mind! But if I do it won't be because it's 'unfair' or 'cruel' to have an only child.

Loubymoo27 · 29/07/2018 08:43

I get this all the time. We have 1 child by choice. We are both very happy with 1 and feel our family is complete. I get told I'm being mean not giving my child a sibling! I feel it's an incredibly rude and hurtful comment but i get it said to me all the time!!! I think I'll just tell the next person to fuck off and see what reaction that gets!! Smile

YaLoVeras · 29/07/2018 08:47

I used to get incredibly rude questions about why I'd split up from x, why I'd had two children with him, then left him. People feel a right to know your business. I said to one woman ''because my self-esteem was in the gutter, and my boundaries were shit, as you can see, I 'm standing here answering your questions'' and she looked at me like ok ok ok ok don't lose your shit.

Now I think ''I must have misheard, I thought you asked me what age I was !!! )or whatever. If they repeat their question ''I misheard again!''

fartyghost · 29/07/2018 08:48

"I know, he wasn't meant to be an only child but I had 5 miscarriages"

That shuts them up and hopefully stops them commenting to other parents of only children in future.

MustBeThursday · 29/07/2018 08:57

I have two and I still get comments - or rather people telling me, not asking me if, I'm going to have another - because they're both girls. Because I need to try for a boy Hmm

MrsEricBana · 29/07/2018 09:03

I am an only child - it has pros and cons I'd say. In your situation I'd come up with a stock one liner and trot it out every time anyone was rude enough to say anything.

Faster · 29/07/2018 09:04

I get this sometimes. DS is 13m and I’m a single parent. DS was very much a happy accident.
I have developed a highly effective pointed stare when people offer their arsehole opinions of my life.

Hygge · 29/07/2018 09:06

I agree with you.

It's nobody else's business how many children you have, or why.

Before we had our DS we lost two other babies, one to stillbirth and one to prematurity. Now we have DS, who is 9.

Strangers would ask "is he your only one?" and I'd be left deciding how to answer. Saying yes would sometimes lead to "you should have another" and some comment about why. Anything from "it's not fair to leave him on his own" to "because you might have a girl and complete the set."

But worse were the friends and family and acquaintances who know we've lost those babies, and who make the same comments.

You can't leave him on his own. Only children grow up weird. He needs someone to play with. Two makes life easier. Two is more fun. It's not a real family with just the one.

Although some went the other way and said things like "don't you think you should stop now you've got one" or "you're not going to put your Mum through this again now are you?"

Nobody left us alone. People were asking when we were trying again three days after our first child was stillborn. I almost died myself when our premature daughter was born. I was ill for months. It meant I needed operations when pregnant, I still don't think I've physically recovered from that time.

We've had a hard time deciding that DS would be our 'only' child but neither me nor DH could face another pregnancy with all the risks it carries, and this time we had DS to think of as well. I worked so hard to have him, I wasn't going to risk leaving him without me or risk missing him grow up.

How I feel at the time depends on how I answer these people, and as DS has gotten older (and so have I) people have stopped asking so often.

Overthinker12345 · 29/07/2018 09:06

I'm an only child and I wouldn't have wanted an annoying sibling getting in my way and pissing me off.

As a child I had my parents all to myself and there wasn't a day I didn't feel loved, cherished and looked after. As an adult I very much value my space and I'm very independent xx

Tara336 · 29/07/2018 09:11

My daughter was 6 hours old when my DM came to see her and said “It will be lovely for her to have a brother next” if I hadn’t felt like shit I’d have probably jumped out of bed and throttled her! Over the years I’ve had many comments about her being an only child. The truth is we were happy as we were, I loved my job and didn’t want another pregnancy to interrupt my career. My daughter was happy too. When I did feel ready for another child when she was about 8 my EXH flatly refused to even contemplate it. Now I’m settled with my DP and he feels he’s to old as has grown up children of his own. I’m incredibly sad but also feel very lucky to have my beautiful girl

BertrandRussell · 29/07/2018 09:12

I think that in an ideal world and everything else being equal, children shouldn’t be onlies.. But it’s none of anyone else’s business-feel free to be short with them. But bear in mind that “are you thinking about number two?” and similar are standard mindless small talk. As is “oh, you’ll have your hands full!” If you do say you want another!

Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 29/07/2018 09:14

My son is an only. I never really felt the need for another. And. I’m still ill now due to problems during and after the birth. Most people around me knew this and didn’t say anything. Though if someone had asked I would have told them that it is none of their business.

We were lucky in the fact that my nephew practically lived with us while my son was growing up. So in effect he had a brother. It was just his cousin. He spent all weekends with us. Came on holidays etc.

I asked my son the other day (he is nearly 15) about being an only. ( he knows why he is ) and he said he doesn’t care. He knows he gets more than his friends around him in terms of presents. Time spent on him. Holidays etc. He actually likes his own space.

It wasn’t what I had originally planned as I did want at least 3 children. But I am so grateful that I have him. There are loads of people out there who can’t even have the one. So I know how lucky I am.

PhilODox · 29/07/2018 09:16

Oh Hygge, people are such unthinking arses, aren't they. Thanks

I never ask this question, mainly because I had a miscarriage after DC1. I also think it's perfectly fine to be an only child, and my children have lots of friends that are onlys, who don't fit any of the spoilt madam/little emperor stereotypes at all. Lots of really lovely people grew up as singletons, and plenty of nasty people had siblings.

FiftyShadesOfDuckEggBlue · 29/07/2018 09:17

People started asking me when I'm having a second one a month after DD was born. My stitches hadn't even healed yet ffs! DD was 4 months old when more than two work colleagues asked me if I was pregnant! Sometimes I think it's because people are so ignorant and they haven't heard of secondary infertility. So they just assume that, if you had one, you can have as many as you'd like, so consider it socially acceptable to pose the question. The idea that people might simply be happy with one or might not want to have another one for medical reasons never crosses their mind. But then societal pressure to marry and have babies is enormous for women and people can generally be absolutely awful. I had so many comments and unsolicited advice for more than a decade (early twenties to mid thirties when I eventually had DD) that it still makes me sick to think about. It's sexist, disrespectful and inconsiderate. I'm now pregnant with DC2 but this was entirely our decision. If DP and I felt that we didn't want to have a second child, we'd stick to our guns and, now that I'm older and wiser, honestly I'd tell people to f off.

JumblieGirl · 29/07/2018 09:19

I’ve taught a lot of only children over the years, and the ones who were and are lovely people were mostly those who weren’t spoilt and over-indulged by parents and relatives. Just like the hundreds of children with siblings. I’ve seen sibling relationships that would scare a Borgia, and amazing parenting that would stun the ‘experts’
It really is incredibly rude of people to offer opinions on your family composition, especially without knowing why those choices may have been made, or if it was a choice. So if you’ve run out of civil answers, then a DFOD seems reasonable.