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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OW told DH she loves him?

104 replies

hellomagpie · 27/07/2018 10:39

DH is 38, we have 2 DCs, happily married, no issues in our relationship.

A woman who works with DH who is probably at least 10 years younger has told him she is in love with him. This happened on a night out and one of his colleagues told me. When I questioned him he just said it was nothing to worry about and they were all drunk. She occasionally texts him (usually work related) he never replies more than about 1 word if at all. They have been working together for a few years and so see each other daily in the office.

This whole thing has made me feel really insecure. I have no reason not to trust him but why would she admit this to him? AIBU?

OP posts:

Storm4star · 27/07/2018 10:41

Well she admitted it hoping he'd have feelings for her! But clearly he hasn't so you have to try and put it out of your mind.

furandchandeliers · 27/07/2018 10:41

Well at the very least his relationship with her must be more than he's let you think, else she wouldn't be in love with him? That's what I'd think anyway

furandchandeliers · 27/07/2018 10:42

Not saying anything untoward from his side but he obviously speaks to her/spends time with her at work, for the attraction to be there on her side, iykwim.

Randomuser789 · 27/07/2018 10:46

Well at the very least his relationship with her must be more than he's let you think, else she wouldn't be in love with him? That's what I'd think anyway

I don’t think this is strictly true, people can get infatuations with people they interact with normally. I’ve seen lots of women with crushes on men they’ve barely said two words too. I can see why you’re insecure, I would be too, but it could be very one sided so try not to worry.

fourandnomore · 27/07/2018 10:47

When I met my now husband twenty years ago another girl who worked with us declared her love for him and tried it on with him. He told me what had happened. I didn’t think anything of it to be honest. He was with me, he wasn’t interested in her. He hadn’t told me straight away as I think he was embarrassed for her and it just came up in conversation. Like I say twenty years and four kids later, it was obviously nothing to him. She moved on and was ‘in love’ with someone else within a month or so. We were a similar age to her at the time. Please don’t feel insecure, it’s not fair on any of you really for this to affect your relationship as a family.

Saloubalou · 27/07/2018 10:48

I’m imagining the hangover she had the next day. So if she’s said that, publicly, their working relationship must have been impacted in some way - either towards more flirting or towards icy awkwardness perhaps. If your dh says it has had no impact at all I would be suspicious. He is bound to feel something - flattered? Worried? Tempted? Repulsed? I don’t know and I think you need to talk more to find out. Do you ever have cause to go into his work yourself?

PrettyLovely · 27/07/2018 10:49

Why didnt HE tell you, if its all one sided and he was loyal to you HE should be the one telling you.
I would try and investigate further tbh.

musicalxo · 27/07/2018 10:55

So you heard it from the colleague, yet your husband never said anything until you asked him?

sagasleathertrousers · 27/07/2018 10:56

But odd that colleague told you. How do you know the colleague? Is it possible they're trying to give you a hint there's something going on?

Original poster

hellomagpie · 27/07/2018 10:57

I have met/seen her briefly before at work events, so I know of her (she is not a total unknown) she is young and pretty and all that sort of thing you don't want your husband to stray after (which is probably why I'm feeling insecure), have even spoken to her briefly and she seems friendly.

I would love to see their relationship at work but can imagine even if I visited the office (Which i have no reason to do) they would not act naturally anyway. I cannot imagine him being really flirtatious, I have never seen that in him, but he is very friendly and sweet and may banter with her at work, I imagine? He is also more experienced than her so she maybe would look up to him? I am just REALLY surprised she has said this to him, since she shows he is married with kids and much older than her!

I don't think everyone knows it has happened in her work, the colleague that told me was there at the time but I think it was late in the evening. I have spoken to DH but he said he could barely remember it and that she was being silly and even if she does fancy him, it's not worth thinking about as he has no interest, loves me, etc. He is not the kind of person that I think would make it awkward at work or particularly over think it, he will just pretend it never happened!

I don't know why it has affected me so much, I guess I am now overthinking their relationship and worrying what he has been like with her to lead to this or that now he will be tempted knowing she likes him! But feel that is also unreasonable as he has never given me any reason to doubt him! Sorry this is a ramble and a half!

OP posts:

PuntCuffin · 27/07/2018 11:04

Just before I got married, an old uni friend of my now DH sent him a long email telling him what a mistake he was making, she couldn't stand by and watch him marry me (I had never met her), that she was in love with him, had been for years etc. What she didn't know was that because DH was overseas without email access, he had given me his log in details to deal with stuff for him, including replies to wedding invitations. She was a little surprised to get a response from me, agreeing with her that coming to our wedding would be a really bad idea.

Point is, he had no idea, he didn't reciprocate. People develop crushes on others for no reason, they believe it to be love.

The important thing is how he handles it now. He has to keep her at arms distance (metaphorically speaking), never be alone with her to avoid risk of accusation, and tell her clearly that she crossed a line that must never be crossed again.

ilovesooty · 27/07/2018 11:06

I'd just accept what your husband says about it.
No. Point in making a big deal of it.

WeirdAndPissedOff · 27/07/2018 11:06

I can see why you would be worried, normally this kind of OP sets alarm bells ringing but in this case I think it seems quite likely there's nothing to it. Especially given the text history - I'd expect there to either be some kind of clue in the history (even if innocent, some kind of long chat history or more intimate texts) or for it to have been wiped.

I had a colleague who I could have imagined doing this. She was very obviously infatuated with a married man at work, and he was very obviously trying to keep the relationship professional, but still friendly. (Ie no awkwardness or iciness). Not sure if it's relevant, but she was in a very bad place at the time, which may have prompted some of it.

I have also (when younger and sillier) had quite a crush on a coworker who rarely spoke to me. I've never been one for drinking, or someone who romanticised easily, and definitely not one to pursue someone aleady taken. But there are plenty of people who get easily carried away when "in love" - combine that with a one-sided infatuation and plenty of alcohol and I can see where such a "confession" could come from.

I also wouldn't tell my partner if someone made a similar confession to me. (I know - complete honesty is the ideal). I'd try to write it off as an embarassing mistake under the influence of alcohol, and try to forget it - easiest way forward for everyone.

ilovesooty · 27/07/2018 11:08

Why on earth does he have to humiliate her by telling her she has crossed a line etc etc? She'd had a bit too much to drink.

RonniePickering · 27/07/2018 11:14

So she's about 28, not a lovestruck kid?

Little madam, knowing he's married with children? More likely emboldened by drink, rather than saying something silly when pissed.

I'd be asking him a little more about it.

MaryandMichael · 27/07/2018 11:18

I agree with Punt, it's perfectly possible to feel that you love someone without their having any input into that at all.

Your DH might be in the clear. But keep a watchful eye, just in case.

THEsonofaBITCH · 27/07/2018 11:22

Probably not much help, but have had this happen several times including wedding night DW's friend told me she loves me. I always write it down with details - the date, who, what, when, where and put it into a sealed envelope signed across the back for DW if it should ever come up later I don't want her wondering if I kept it quiet because I felt something. Usually its just the other person was drunk and admitting an infatuation and it blows over so telling DW would have ruined any relationship she had with the other person but the letter is my insurance if it should ever come up years later (like it did with DW friend from wedding night when she visited 20 years later). We went through the (few) envelopes and had a laugh.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 27/07/2018 11:23

I had a colleague tell me she loved me when we were all drunk at a pre-Christmas piss up, also witnessed by other colleagues. I'm straight so definitely had no interest in her and was mildly surprised, but took it as a declaration of me being nicer than the average colleague (because I'm modest like that ). I don't know if she even remembered doing it but nobody ever mentioned it again. So it could be either way with your DH, they could have been flirting and working their way towards an affair, or could all be entirely one-sided on her side.

Storm4star · 27/07/2018 11:23

I think people are thinking a bit "no smoke without fire" but I don't think you should let this become an issue in what you yourself say is a happy marriage.

A few years ago I developed a bit of a "crush" on a co worker. He was nice and funny (to everyone, not just me) and I was going through a really difficult period in my life. He did absolutely nothing untoward. I didn't act on it and never intended to. But if someone is really drunk and maybe not in the best frame of mind, I can see how this could happen.

It doesn't sound to me as if your DH has done anything wrong and keeping an eye on things, or questioning him further (being paranoid) won't be good for your relationship.

Witchend · 27/07/2018 11:31

It could also be your colleague stirring. I've been known to say to a couple of the men I work with "I love you" or "love you too" that's either after they've done me a favour or in a jokey way after they've given me extra stuff to do. I wouldn't even class it as flirting, we all know exactly what we're meaning (and their wives work with me and we (me and the wives) occasionally gang up on them together too!)

If someone said to dh that they'd heard me say that it would be true, but not the context and would give totally the wrong impression.

And I can remember one drunken night as a student where at least one of the members declared their undying love for an inanimate object. In one case a drinking straw.

Viviennemary · 27/07/2018 11:31

This is certainly not appropriate behaviour from a colleague. From what you've said I don't think your DH has done anything wrong. I think she should be told not to text him at all. Ever. And if there are any more drunken disclosures from her then I think he should be approaching Personnel. Of course people can have huge crushes on co-workers without any encouragement whatsoever even if they hardly speak to them.

RabbitsAreTasty · 27/07/2018 11:34

Over the years I have had three separate work colleagues declare their love for me (am not that special so ).

I turned them down politely but firmly. I was very careful to have exceptionally strong boundaries with those individuals while remaining professional and appropriately friendly.

I never told DH. It was a non-thing. Telling him would have created doubt and worry for nothing.

There was a crazy stalker guy too from work. I told DH about him as soon as I realised he was nuts.

KC225 · 27/07/2018 11:36

How did the colleague tell you? Are you friends with the colleague? Was the colleague give you the heads up? Did they ring you up to tell you?

LeighaJ · 27/07/2018 11:40

I find it concerning that his colleague was the one to tell you, so you can't trust your husband to tell you the truth first. No wonder you feel insecure.

I don't think he should be going out with her even in groups anymore. It's just playing with fire.

Original poster

hellomagpie · 27/07/2018 11:41

The colleague who told me is a friend of mine who happens to work with DH. She doesn’t work in the same office but in same building and so they were on a team night out in same place. She told me in an “oh my goodness I have to tell you this” kind of way but don’t think she realised it would affect me so much. Maybe she shouldn’t have told me, but it’s happened now! DH wasn’t upset or angry that she had told me, he just said it was a total non thing for him so wouldn’t have mentioned it!

OP posts:

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