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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OW told DH she loves him?

104 replies

hellomagpie · 27/07/2018 10:39

DH is 38, we have 2 DCs, happily married, no issues in our relationship.

A woman who works with DH who is probably at least 10 years younger has told him she is in love with him. This happened on a night out and one of his colleagues told me. When I questioned him he just said it was nothing to worry about and they were all drunk. She occasionally texts him (usually work related) he never replies more than about 1 word if at all. They have been working together for a few years and so see each other daily in the office.

This whole thing has made me feel really insecure. I have no reason not to trust him but why would she admit this to him? AIBU?

OP posts:

fieryginger · 27/07/2018 11:41

I hope she was suitably mortified the next day.

Ibelieveinkarma · 27/07/2018 11:43

It could be entirely innocent on your Dh's behalf.
However, the fact that someone has bought this woman to your attention, it shows there must be some reason for it.

Is it a male or female colleague who told you?
Unlikely I know, but if female, could the colleague who told you have 'designs' on your dh herself and be trying to stir trouble for you and your dh?
Or is she fed up with knowing something about your dh and this ow and believes you have a right to know what's going on (if anything is going on that is) and has dropped you a hint?
A male colleague? .from my point of view, men don't really bother about mentioning something which isn't worth mentioning if there's nothing to 'worry' about. But this colleague has gone out of their way to let you know 'something'.
What I'm trying to say is that you need to find out exactly why your dh's colleague felt the need to speak to you before you can know for sure you have nothing to be concerned about.

NoGoodDeed · 27/07/2018 11:43

It sounds like the sort of situation where she was really drunk, overstepped her boundaries and would have been mortified the next day.

Kittykat93 · 27/07/2018 11:45

I've gotten very very drunk in the past and talked complete and utter shite, I've confessed my love for people who I would never look twice at sober, etc. She was in the wrong yes but I wouldn't look too much into it. Just keep an eye on things.

THEsonofaBITCH · 27/07/2018 11:46

It sounds like your husband knew it was an absolute nothing and let it go. I don't understand the posters who automatically assume there is more to it because he didn't say anything. Sounds like he is so secure in his relationship with OP that he didn't give it a second thought brushing the whole thing off and unworthy of mention.

Confusedbeetle · 27/07/2018 11:47

As long as he is completely open with you it can be contained. If he continues to treat her a little at arm's length and professionally nothing more will come of it. I understand how unsettled you feel but if you overreact he is likely not to tell you things. Keep it light but just let him know it has unsettled you but you trust him to let this crush blow over without any drama

YearOfYouRemember · 27/07/2018 11:48

That's not far, LeighaJ. The OP might have seen the colleague before her dh or it could be such a non event for the husband that he'd forgotten or decided not worth mentioning.

YearOfYouRemember · 27/07/2018 11:49

Ah, didn't refresh before posting.

Bluelady · 27/07/2018 11:50

Bet she was mortified the next morning - if she even remembered. I'd forget it, it clearly means nothing to your husband.

KnickersOnTheLine · 27/07/2018 11:51

Gosh people are so dramatic.

Why does OP’s DH need to mention it to her? It clearly meant nothing to him, he knew the OW was drunk so he’s brushed it aside. I’d be more suspicious if my DH came home and told me some OW had told him she was in love with him - how do you bring that up in conversation without making your actual partner feel insecure?

OP, I get why it’s thrown you a bit, but honestly I’d just write it off, your DH isn’t interested in her and probably hasn’t done anything other than have a professional working relationship with some office banter. No lines crossed but the OW has realised he’s a nice guy and when drunk decided to chance her arm. Leave we’ll alone would be my advice - unless she tries again in which case your DH might need to involve HR. And that’s only to ensure he’s protected as OW might accuse him of all sorts if he tries to deal with it himself and she feels rebuffed.

DiegoMadonna · 27/07/2018 12:00

Could it have bee a drunk "I love you so much" kind of thing that we all say to our friends when we've had one too many?

Racecardriver · 27/07/2018 12:01

I turn into a complete slut when drunk. Don't know why. Not like that at all when sober. She may not actually have feelings at all. She might just be a 'confess undying love to whoever I meet' kind of drunk. At any rate it doesn't really seem like there is anything in it from his side at least. His nut telling you can be explained by him being able to tell that it would hurt your feelings and deciding spare you the stress.

fivelittleduckies · 27/07/2018 12:14

I wouldn’t worry about it at all but do feel a touch mortified for ow having said that not only to your DH but in front of other colleagues

PuntCuffin · 27/07/2018 12:36

She is NOT an OW, that implies reciprocation on his part. She is a colleague who got drunk and started saying inappropriate things. If a man started making a move on a female colleague or telling her he was in love with her while pissed, everyone would be all over him being reported to HR for it. No one should be getting so drunk while with colleagues that they think it is ok to start making declarations of love to someone, especially when that person is already married.

She needs to know that it was not an acceptable thing to do. He is now stuck in a position with a colleague who has revealed her feelings for him, his wife now thinks he can't be trusted etc. If he works alone with her, and she tries to make a move, he rejects her, feelings are hurt, he becomes an easy target for accusations of misconduct.

bevelino · 27/07/2018 12:41

Imagine the comments on here if it was the other way round.

ResurrectedGoldfish · 27/07/2018 12:48

I honestly don't think you've got anything to worry about. If it was me, I probably wouldn't say anything because a) nothing's ever going to come from it, b) I wouldn't want to embarrass the person any more than they have done already, and c) It would only make my partner feel unhappy/insecure for no reason. It sounds like he just didn't want to make an issue out of it when it didn't need to be. But, if it's making you feel insecure, or a bit wobbly, maybe it's worth talking to him about it, just to put your mind at rest. He sounds like a good guy, so I'm sure he'd want to know it's making you feel like this so he can do something to help you feel a bit better.

niketrainersarecomfy · 27/07/2018 13:13

Id think affair, sorry.
Pkease never fall into rhe trap of thinking a young attractive woman wouldnt want an older man. It happens all the time. What does your gut tell you? Listen to it.

BoomBoomsCousin · 27/07/2018 13:25

It’s all a bit school ground to tell someone you don’t know well that you love them, and doing so in a way that it becomes office gossip just makes it doubly so. Is that the sort of behaviour your DH normally finds attractive? Because most of the men over 30 whom I know would not be impressed.

I think you should probably reframe this from “OW told DH she loves him” to “foolish young woman made a spectacle of herself declaring love to a married man”.

Doman · 27/07/2018 15:52

I'm quite shocked at how suspicious you all are!

If your friend mentioned it to you, OP, in such a lighthearted way, then that should tell you something.

Imagine the role reversal. A bloke that you have no interest in sexually tells you that he loves you. Your DH finds out. He starts suspecting an affair. Wouldn't you find that unfair/ridiculous?

Relationships are built on trust. Your DH hasn't abused this. His colleague has overstepped the mark, that's all.

Original poster

hellomagpie · 27/07/2018 17:01

Can I confirm I do not think my DH is having an affair! I have never mentioned the A word. In actual fact I am pretty damn sure he isn't having an affair.

I was just wondering whether it was unusual to feel insecure about what has happened, I guess I am worried he is behaving in a way at work to somehow encourage her, as I was so shocked someone would admit being "in love" with him out of the blue.

OP posts:

BoomBoomsCousin · 27/07/2018 17:18

hello it really sounds like she's just immature. Of course, he could have been encouraging her, but the few things you've seen of his interaction do not suggest that.

furandchandeliers · 28/07/2018 08:20

But op if someone at work told you they loved you would you tell your Dh?

AlphaBravo · 28/07/2018 08:28

@PuntCuffin but what if he felt the same way about her? Did you tell him straight away or did he never find out? If the latter then that is a massively cuntish thing to have done.

THEsonofaBITCH · 28/07/2018 08:32

I agree with PP, if it was a non-issue to DH then there is no way to bring it up without making it a big deal. "Hi honey, you'll never guess what happened tonight - Suzy said she loves me! Ha Ha" My DW would wonder why I brought it up/mentioned it and would wonder if it was because I was interested or whether I was trying to make her jealous. She would pursue this ALOT to get reassurance (which is why I do my letters) instead.

OP, I think its normal to get a little insecure, especially as you heard it from a third party. I'm glad you aren't blaming DH and I doubt he is acting in a way to have her focus on him, we can't control other people's emotions. I bet he will be very circumspect around her in the future to ensure no mixed signals and this will all be a non-issue. Best Wishes.

HellenaHandbasket · 28/07/2018 08:32

I understand your feelings, but if he had told you a lot of posters would have told you he was hiding in plain sight, deflecting by telling you bits of the story etc.

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