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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OW told DH she loves him?

104 replies

hellomagpie · 27/07/2018 10:39

DH is 38, we have 2 DCs, happily married, no issues in our relationship.

A woman who works with DH who is probably at least 10 years younger has told him she is in love with him. This happened on a night out and one of his colleagues told me. When I questioned him he just said it was nothing to worry about and they were all drunk. She occasionally texts him (usually work related) he never replies more than about 1 word if at all. They have been working together for a few years and so see each other daily in the office.

This whole thing has made me feel really insecure. I have no reason not to trust him but why would she admit this to him? AIBU?

OP posts:
Inertia · 28/07/2018 09:02

OP , it sounds like your friend has your back and would let you know if this grew into a problem.

Have to say that I am a bit taken aback by someone receiving so many declarations of love that they have to write down the details to keep track! Is this common, or am I especially like unloveable?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/07/2018 09:02

It would be odd indeed for a woman to tell your husband that she 'loves him' without any sort of encouragement from your husband.

How did you get to hear of such a thing? Who told you this?

I'm sorry OP but I think you're having the wool pulled over your eyes. Something has happened/is happening. Women do NOT randomly tell another man that they love them. They really don't.

Something is obviously striking a chord with you too, isn't it? Or you would have laughed, shrugged it off and forgotten about it. But you wrote a thread instead...

I hope you get to the bottom of this - soon.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/07/2018 09:05

Oh I see it was a 'friend' who told you. Well I have to differ there. A friend would KNOW that such a statement would have an impact on you. I disagree that your friend 'has your back'.

THEsonofaBITCH · 28/07/2018 12:06

Have to say that I am a bit taken aback by someone receiving so many declarations of love that they have to write down the details to keep track!
You didn't read the post/read it correctly. It wasn't to keep track it was situations where someone declared an attraction/desire to sleep with me involving someone we knew involving copious amounts of alcohol and would be awkward for DW to know about but I would feel like a heel not telling her about if it turned out it was ever anything more than a stupid error due to alcohol. Like with DW friend who 20 years later met up with DW and I where there was a lot of awkward stuff which made DW ask if she had acted like that before - so I told her about the letter/s. We had wine and discussed the 4 letters I had sealed over the past 25 years after she read them. 2 were invitations to Menage-a-trois; 2 were when someone made a drunken declaration of love. None meant a thing and that was the end of it, but if I didn't have the details I can imagine the inquisition and suspicion! instead a few laughs (as they were all old so I guess I'm no longer desirable! Hmm

Willow2017 · 28/07/2018 12:39

Oh for goodness sake i have known people be 'in love' with other people and have had no encouragement from.them at all its just oure infatuation which blows over again.

There doesnt need to be anything behind it. Some people just lose all perspective when drunk we have all seen it. She is probably mortified now and if nobody mentions it will all blow over and next week.it will be forgotten.

Dont listen to all the scare mongering op not all men are idiots or cheat. You know your oh nobody on here does. Yes its a bit weird of her but its her problem not yours.

notacooldad · 28/07/2018 12:49

I would assume the college is stirring the pot by telling you and wanting some drama.
I would also assume she was very drunk and may be embarrassed and DH has just shrugged it off.

notacooldad · 28/07/2018 12:51

meant colleague

Cloudyapples · 28/07/2018 12:55

Sounds to me like colleague is stirring up trouble. If it was a genuine declaration of love to a married man then surely she wouldn’t do it with an audience? The fact your husband can barely remember it/doesn’t see it as a big deal and it was in front of someone else surelynsuggestsbit was one of those drunken things where one person says something funny or clever and another drunk person laughs and say ‘oh I do love you (name) you’re so funny!’ Etc. Rather than a proper declaration?

Original poster
hellomagpie · 28/07/2018 13:53

I know it wasn’t just an “I love you so much” as when I questioned hubby a little more (“I want every detail” kind of thing - he was cool about it) he basically just said that she had said she thought he already knew she liked him and had been in love with him ages! He said he just said oh right (he said he didn’t know this before!) and then she was embarrassed and that was that!
I am not that bothered with the fact he didn’t mention it to me, as why would he tell me if there’s nothing to worry about - I guess he could have mentioned it in a jokey manner but would have probably known I would end up feeling like this.

He has been lovely about the whole thing to be honest, even with me annoying him about it

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/07/2018 14:50

"I don't know why it has affected me so much, I guess I am now overthinking their relationship and worrying what he has been like with her to lead to this or that now he will be tempted knowing she likes him!"

^^ that's what you said, hellomagpie

Gloss over it if you want to, it's your relationship but a secure person wouldn't say this, indeed they wouldn't post a thread questioning it because it wouldn't be necessary, would it?

You say it's all fine, so there's nothing else to say about it really, is there?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/07/2018 14:56

"I guess I am worried he is behaving in a way at work to somehow encourage her, as I was so shocked someone would admit being "in love" with him out of the blue."

^^ and this in your later post hellomagpie Confused

If your husband is as lovely, cool and faithful as you suggest, then why would this even enter your head?

It wouldn't matter how young and attractive his colleague is, not matter how much she professes her love for your husband... there would be nothing to it and you'd be content. But you're not.

I don't want to badger you, I'm responding to your posts, not those of other posters - and I've made my point. Hope it all works out for you.

Add message |

Original poster
hellomagpie · 28/07/2018 22:30

Sorry to resurrect this thread but I'm a bit annoyed as said colleague who professed love to DH has texted him this evening saying "Hope all went well today x'. She knows he had a football tournament.

Personally I do think this is crossing the line after what she has already done, she shouldn't be texting him (bit brazen!). He didn't reply at all, I only actually know this because we were using sat nav on his phone when it came through. I did comment to him why is she texting he said just ignore it, I never reply she will get the hint!

Grr. Not sure if I should contact her telling her to leave him alone. Does that look a bit psycho!

OP posts:
niketrainersarecomfy · 28/07/2018 22:35

Theres something not right here op. He is encouraging her. Most married men would make it clear it was inappropriate. I think it is on the way to being something and that is why the colleague told you. You need to watch this op.
Why does she have his personal phone number?
If you hadnt seen it he wouldnot have told you. Does that not make alarm bells go off? I think you are being naive here op x

niketrainersarecomfy · 28/07/2018 22:36

And its also obvious shes been texting for a bit by his response. No woman texts things like that after NEVER getting a response.

HollowTalk · 28/07/2018 22:36

I think that given what has happened, he should text her while you're there and tell her to back off, that he's married and that he doesn't want non-work texts.

Original poster
hellomagpie · 28/07/2018 22:41

She has his number because they work together, he has a load of colleagues numbers, they even have a team WhatsApp group (not really used except when organising socials or going on trips abroad). I have read the texts and it is totally true he never does respond, she doesn’t text him that much, once a month if that, and he does never respond unless he is literally answering a question directly or saying thank you. There have been no personal texts except on his birthday she text him and he replied saying thanks!
Have no idea why she is trying to text him socially, but think it’s out of order! Yes maybe I should tell him he needs to tell her to stop, but what would he say?! I don’t think he will be keen as he just wants to ignore it I think, thinks it’s a silly crush. Hmm. This has really annoyed me.

OP posts:
CanIBuffalo · 28/07/2018 22:41

You need to be telling each other if someone outside the relationship says or does anything that you know your partner would be uncomfortable with. Not talking to your partner about it and keeping it secret/hidden is crossing a line.
He should have told you.
Why does she still have his mobile number and think it's ok to text him?
Would he have told you if you hadn't seen the message yourself?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/07/2018 22:43

He texts her OP. He doesn't tell you about it. He wants to text her and they have a relationship regardless of what you think.

You will look all kinds of foolish if you get in touch with her telling her to 'back off'. It's his job to keep his marriage secure from people he interacts with, not yours. He needed and needs to do that - but he won't because he's enjoying this too much.

You're being played for a fool and you're kidding yourself that it's all on her side. It isn't, sorry.

Original poster
hellomagpie · 28/07/2018 22:43

I don’t know if he would have told me, obviously his phone was on the dash so we both saw it, he was quite nonplussed... I haven’t asked “would you have told me about that if I hadn’t seen it” because I did see it.

OP posts:
niketrainersarecomfy · 28/07/2018 22:44

How do you know he didnt delete the ones where he replied?
Even if not his boundaries need to be firmer. Clearly at work he isnt the person he is at home.

CanIBuffalo · 28/07/2018 22:45

He needs to text her and tell her that his mobile number is for work matters only. He should also tell her that non work related messages are making him uncomfortable and she needs to stop.

And YOU need to trust your own feelings on this.

CanIBuffalo · 28/07/2018 22:46

I don't often agree with Lying but her post here is spot on.

niketrainersarecomfy · 28/07/2018 22:46

He will find every excuse not to do the above.

fizzthecat1 · 28/07/2018 22:49

Why on earth does he have to humiliate her by telling her she has crossed a line etc etc? She'd had a bit too much to drink

Because she's a man stealing cunt that's why Hmm

CanIBuffalo · 28/07/2018 22:54

He's not humiliating her. He's setting boundaries.