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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OW told DH she loves him?

104 replies

hellomagpie · 27/07/2018 10:39

DH is 38, we have 2 DCs, happily married, no issues in our relationship.

A woman who works with DH who is probably at least 10 years younger has told him she is in love with him. This happened on a night out and one of his colleagues told me. When I questioned him he just said it was nothing to worry about and they were all drunk. She occasionally texts him (usually work related) he never replies more than about 1 word if at all. They have been working together for a few years and so see each other daily in the office.

This whole thing has made me feel really insecure. I have no reason not to trust him but why would she admit this to him? AIBU?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/07/2018 22:58

Can't say I've ever noticed you before, CanIBuffalo but you're a bit rude; I don't care whether you agree with my posts or not.

Original poster
hellomagpie · 28/07/2018 23:00

DH asleep now but will take action in the morning. I will tell him he needs to let her know it’s inappropriate ! Issue is I can imagine him saying he would rather speak to her at work than do that over text!

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 28/07/2018 23:01

I had this before with my DP. He didn't tell me, one of his colleagues who happens to be one of our friends told me that she kept on telling him she loves him. I trust him, I know he's not done anything and I let it go because I trust him but part of me wishes I had said something.

I didn't say anything because he was new in his job and I didn't want to cause problems for him but it was so out of order and I wish I'd made that known at the time.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/07/2018 23:01

fizzthecat, So... what is he then? A possession to be stolen? Worse than a 'cunt'? Must be, he's the one in a relationship with the OP.

It's his job to be faithful and not text and engage with other women. His job. If he didn't engage and actually did ignore her texts, she wouldn't text.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/07/2018 23:02

Of course he would rather speak to her at work, OP. You will not be there to police the conversation...

Everyoneiswingingit · 28/07/2018 23:05

Firstly she was drunk. Secondly, he appears to be blunt and business like in his replies to her text. It sounds like she is young and has a crush. Make sure your marriage is strong, talk it through etc

Original poster
hellomagpie · 28/07/2018 23:05

Thing is, I do actually trust him. And I trust he isn’t texting her, because he is really not at all secretive with his phone. I use it all the time, the kids use it for Spotify, we use it in the car, DD plays games on it and there have never been any suspicious messages!

I’m more annoyed that she is behaving like this and that she doesn’t understand she impact of her actions, which is sort of why I wanted to speak to her myself to make her understand her actions are affecting his wife and he is happily married with kids and what is she doing!

I am sure if I force him to text he would (?) but not sure if I should do that! I would like to be totally sure he has said it though, because obviously if I leave him to do it at work he may end up either not doing it or being way too nice!

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 28/07/2018 23:05

Why does he need to have a sit down chat?

One of my friends and I (whilst I was seeing my now DH) had too much to drink and agreed that we love each other dearly and if we were both single at 40 then we'd have a child together. Even went as far to agree it would be an IVF baby though because although we love each other dearly, no sex is happening.

I didn't tell my DP. Why would I? It was a stupid drunk conversation. (As it happens it came up in passing a few years later much to everyone's amusement).

I would have been massively Hmm if anyone went to DP and said 'just to let you know that Maisy and David said they love each other over a kebab and planned their baby'. I'd think they were shit stirring.

scrabbled01 · 28/07/2018 23:13

Any way that they could be messaging in another method? Facebook, whatsapp, work IM?

I know someone that had an affair entirely conducted on Snapchat message as he knew his wife would see the messages otherwise.

niketrainersarecomfy · 28/07/2018 23:15

Yrs you should do that and yes she knows its wrong to text a married man like that.
Shes not 16. If anything she would be cautious with it being a new job. He is leading her on in the least.
Sounds like the innnocent man is an identity which works because you already are dismissing your gut.
You posted on here for a reason. Listem to what people are telling you

niketrainersarecomfy · 28/07/2018 23:16

Yes maisy but would you text him with kisses on the end?

Ibelieveinkarma · 28/07/2018 23:16

Why couldn't she wait until she sees him at work and mention the football if she's just a random work colleague?
Why text on a Saturday evening, when your dh is with his family?
Sounds like this woman could very well know your dh a lot more than you realise OP and is trying to upset you.
I believe something either has been, or is, going on with her and your dh. Sorry to say. Be very wary

MaisyPops · 28/07/2018 23:22

nike
Yes I would. But then I put kisses on the end of almost all my message, including texting my father in law about needing help sorting plumbing out when DH is away.

I also tend to greet people with a hug and a kiss on the cheek if we're good friends.

I'm not saying there's definitely nothing going. I just think sometimes MN can go quickly to 'male and female messaging, must be an affair' when there's possibly other reasonable options.

I don't think the husband needs to have a sit sown chat with this woman. If he is behaving approrpiately then that's all he needs to carry on doing.

Say this woman was after him, is a sit down chat going to warn her off or make forbidden fruit more appealling? Same for if he is interested. It could be innocent. It could be something. The focus should be on the HUSBAND conducting himself honestly.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 28/07/2018 23:26

Sounds like your DH is a decent trustworthy kind of bloke.
This woman is not. She’s, at best a stupid air head who let herself get pissed and say inappropriate stuff to a colleague, or at worst, a scheming home wrecking cow who needs to back off.
Don’t feel insecure OP, that’s really unattractive.
You know, he knows. If he’s going to cheat then he will regardless but I see no problem in stating your case.
Warn the bitch off, get creative

Feelthethunder · 28/07/2018 23:33

Don’t text her.

Just leave it, if she does carry on, ask your partner to block her. (

Feelthethunder · 28/07/2018 23:36

If you text her, you’re going to make her think “oh, I’ve got to her” and she may up her texts.

Or she could think “oh, shit. I don’t want his wife on my case” and she may back off. Either way, I wouldn’t chance it.

Lethaldrizzle · 28/07/2018 23:56

She's sounds like a twat

Italiangreyhound · 29/07/2018 00:24

The thing is OP this is upsetting you. whatever is going on, or not going on, you are upset.

I wonder how your dh would feel is a fit 10 years younger man was texting you and declaring love for you when drunk? Would he feel so smug?

He should be telling her to leave him alone because he wants you to know you are the centre of his world. That's my feeling.

I'm sorry you are upset, I've got no idea if anything is going on but I think he should address this to strengthen your marriage.

Good luck, Thanks

fivelittleduckies · 29/07/2018 00:36

Something strange about all of this...

No I don’t think anything is going on between you DH and this woman ....

However, why can you not talk openly with him about your concerns? Why is he ignoring the issue altogether?

Given they are work colleagues it does need to be addressed and boundaries put in place- what kind of workplace is it where this is ok?? And that after what she did, instead of feeling mortified and apologizing she texts him that?!

I’m not sure if your DH is doing the right or wrong thing but this whole scenario is strange.

In what way did your friend tell you? Was she shocked/laughing/concerned?

fizzthecat1 · 29/07/2018 00:43

fizzthecat, So... what is he then? A possession to be stolen? Worse than a 'cunt'? Must be, he's the one in a relationship with the OP

It's his job to be faithful and not text and engage with other women. His job. If he didn't engage and actually did ignore her texts, she wouldn't text

But she is the one chasing him, telling him she loves him etc. If a random at my work started texting me I'd probably reply with one word answers and hoped they got the hint. And yes she is a cunt going after a married man. Why are you disputing this? You actually think how she's behaving is ok? Done something similar have you?

dressesdressesdresses · 29/07/2018 01:24

My dh has one girl text him saying I was to young for him even though I'm only six months younger than him she was his age and told him not to be with me. He just text her back it's non of your business,

A second ex text him saying she wanted them to go back to how it was with them. He told her to do one too.

Then a third was checking if he was really happy with me.

My dh is gorgeous so I wasn't surprised!

But at the end of the day these three girls where gorgeous but he loved me and stuck with me because he loves me.

You've got to remember OP he loves you and only you. These woman may be pretty but their not you!

SalemBlackCat · 29/07/2018 02:19

You sound a bit neurotic to be honest. It happened awhile ago, and I take it she hasn't said anything to him since then. Why stir up a hornets nest that has settled down, for no good reason? If it happens again, then yeah, confront it head on. But after it's all died down now, you are going to stir it all up again, and make work for your husband at his workplace uncomfortable.

Why? What do you get out of this, rather than stirring it all up again?

Just let it go.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 29/07/2018 02:57

Don’t contact her.

You trust your DH, let him deal with this in his own way.

Her declaring her love and asking how his football tournament went isn’t going to make him run off into the sunset with her if he loves you.

Don’t put yourself into the position of ‘policing’ his behaviour, HE is responsible for that, not you. HE is responsible for his actions, not you OR her.

Don’t let this come between you, it needn’t.

If you see another message from her, I’d be tempted to comment about her being so dim she’s not getter the message he’s happily married and not interested, but that’s all.

I can understand your desire to tell her to back the fuck off, and years ago I would have done that, but it’s really not the way to handle it. Just let him deal with her and don’t let it impact you.

TheWonderfulCat · 29/07/2018 03:11

If it's really worrying you maybe talk to your DH about how you feel and ask him to text her to say stick to professional texts only.

I had similar, a girl added both hubby and I on fb (she was a friend of a friend) deleted me and added him to a group where she posted raunchy pics. He left the group but when I said how inappropriate she was he deleted her off fb.

Some women like the attention of married men unfortunately

diamondsandrose · 29/07/2018 03:37

Why do you have no one? Has he stopped you from seeing them/going out and meeting people?

I ask because it's unusual to have absolutely no one you could talk to. You need to stop him being the centre of your world.

Get a new job. Put money aside secretly if you need be. Meet some friends. Do NOT get pregnant to this pig !! Please

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