Ear piercing - who's right?

[Fiirefly]

Posting in AIBU for traffic. My daughter is 7 and has been asking for a long time now to get her ears pierced. I have no issue with this, I was younger than her when I had mine done. If she was going to get them done it would be at the start of the six weeks holidays (whether it's this year or any other year) to give them chance to heal so for PE at school she'd be able to take them out. I understand (rightly or wrongly) you shouldn't take them out in the first six weeks as it's not properly healed yet.

Her dad, my ex husband, hates the idea and doesn't want her to get them pierced.

Would it be fair of me to take her to get them done if he's so against it?

Happy to hear I'm unreasonable if that's the case. I just don't know what the right course of action is.

Reaa - haven't told her to ask him herself yet. He's not the most involved parent and I suppose I don't want to seem instrumental in her realising he's 'not all that.'

Thanks KC. I think this is where my concern lies. He says 16 years old and refuses to budge. If we could get to a compromise then it would be fairer.

My mother would not let me and DSis have our ears pierced until we were 15, I always thought that she was being ridiculously unfair. However as a mother I did not want my DD to have her's done until she was at least 11as I realised that sooner would be too young for her to care for them properly. As it turned out she did not ask to have them done until she was 13. I think 11is a good time, but ultimately it is your daughter but I think your ex is entitled to an opinion. Would you like it if your ex husband had DD's hair cut without your knowledge?

Judging from the comments (appreciate that nobody has been harsh, I expected harsh comments in AIBU) it seems people think 7 is too young. Wasn't expecting this if I'm honest, when I was a kid it seemed the 'done thing' to have them done by secondary school. Seems the tables have turned!

If she's old enough to ask repeatedly for it done and mature enough to understand that it will be painful I don't see the harm in it.

I wish I had known the negatives of piercing with a gun before I allowed my daughter to have hers done (age 8) though.

I would strongly suggest you take your daughter to a proper piercing shop rather than Claire's or similar. Piercing guns are horrible, unnecessary and far more painful, with more complications.

Reading what you say about his interaction with her, fuck him and his opinion.

IMO 7 is still too young, but it's only my opinion. To me 10, maybe the summer between primary and secondary school, would be ideal, but I'm probably a bit old fashioned despite only being in my n30's and covered in my own piercings!

Thanks Worldcupnovice.

A regular hair cut, no I wouldn't have an issue. Any drastic and I'd like it run past me!
I think my biggest barrier with all of this is that he's crap most of the time. No sports days/parents evenings/minimum contact etc so he can say he's still on the picture. I guess I haven't considered it the other way round because he doesn't care enough to ever take her for a hair cut/that kind of thing.

He's very much social media parent. He'll have her for tea once a week, post a photo on Facebook so everyone thinks he's great, but the real parenting stuff is left to me. I don't quibble, she's my absolute world, but I suppose I am torn between wanting to make sure we both agree to it and saying 'fuck you, you do nothing for her.' I know that's not dealing with it very well, and like I said I don't insult her dad in her presence, but equally sometimes feel that as I'm doing 99% of the parenting, should I get to make the decision on my own? I know I'm probably being unreasonable, hence why I'm asking. Help me rationalise this haha.

My 7 year old DD also really wanted her ears pierced, and I agreed on the condition she would look after them properly. She actually did a great job - never got an infection (unlike me who got them pierced at 10) and was very conscientious with cleaning etc. 7 was not too young in our case.

You know your daughter OP.

If he doesn't have much to do with her then I'd say let her get it done if it's what she wants.

Am I then setting myself up for a big argument with him because he's said no?
I'm not exactly the least argumentative person, but I'm trying to have a drama free existence 😂

If he doesnt have that much to do with her and she wants them done then id personally let her have them done.
Cant stand parents who arent there day to day but then think they can have a legitimate say in how the child has their hair/what the child wears etc... shes not a doll. She wants them done, you dont mind it... and hes just randomly saying no because he doesnt like how it looks.
Id personally tell him to jog on.

How would you feel if he allowed her to have or do something that you were dead against ?

Hmmm....my dad would never let me have mine done. I got them done the day I left high school. I then got a second set done, then top of my ear (bad idea - terrible infection and had to come out), belly button done at 18 and daith (for migraines) last year. I remember HATING that I couldn’t be like all my friends, though I was about 9/10. I’d be a bit wary of places that would do it so young, I was having a tattoo a couple of years ago and they had a notice that said anyone wanting piercings had to be over 12 and if under 16 had to ask for it themselves, they wouldn’t do it for a parent who asked.

Yearofyouremember - I'd probably be annoyed, but it's hard to really think about it from that point of view because I know how uninterested he is. If he was a proper hands on parent then fine, but in her 7 years he's never bathed her, taken her for a hair cut, bought her school shoes etc. I suppose I'm struggling to see his side of things when I know he's too uninterested to ever do something I could possibly disagree with.

Talk about massive drip feed ffs.

I nagged and nagged my parents from the age of about 10; they were dead against and insisted I had to be 16. They said if I got them done myself they’d make me remove the studs (and I knew they meant it). By the time I was 16 I was no longer bothered. 38 now and really pleased they didn’t give into my incessant pleading.

Your ex is still her father and it should be a joint decision. It’s cosmetic - I would make her wait I’m afraid.

I would just go back and say "16 is too late so why dont we both agree on the summer between Primary and Secondary?"

If he doesn’t have much to do with her and isn’t willing to discuss it or reach a compromise then if you’re ok with then I’d let her. My youngest neice has here done at 7 and was able to take care of them herself once shown how, they didn’t ge to infected (even though SIL took her to Claire’s and they were done with the gun). Your DD is inevitably going to get them done at some point, now when they can heal before she goes back to school seems very sensible.

Yearofyouremember - sorry, I guess it is a drip feed. When originally posting I didn't really think of his involvement as a big thing. Just figured it would be a pretty black and white answer of 'yes get it done' or 'no, both parents should agree.'

I was 5/6 when mine were done because I kept asking and asking and there was nothing chavvy about my family! My daughter asked at 7 and her dad said no but could not explain why so I took her anyway!

Thanks everyone. I haven't told her yes or no yet, I really just wanted opinions as to whether I agree or not with her wanting them done. It's the first really big decision I've had to make where I feel I need his agreement too.

As she's only 7, I think you should ask her father or at least come up with a compromise because I think it'd reflect badly on you especially with her father's family.
Almost a 'well I'm her mother so it's my choice' kind of thing. I'm sure that's not the case and you're obviously not being nasty or doing it to score points but it may come across that way to him and his family!
It won't hurt her to wait until she's 12/13 so I'd wait until then personally

@NapQueen
(Just learned to tag people haha)!
I did go back and ask for some compromise as by 16 if she wants them done she'd do it with/without permission anyway. It's still a firm "no" from him. Do I leave it at that and say that her dad can tell her why, or take her anyway?

Would you let him have residency or 50/50 custody? I find a lot that moan about having to parent day to day are happy to moan but wouldn't give any more access than a day or eow.

A hair cut, dress sense etc is one thing but piercings are very different as they physically change your body permanently. He should have a say as he is her parent too.

I'm with him on 16 and think that should be the legal age for it. Children don't need to believe they need accessories to be pretty etc, they should be comfortable without adornments.