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Original poster

Who's surname to give the baby?

229 replies

Kate8790 · 26/07/2018 19:24

Me and my partner are expecting a baby daughter next month and we can't agree on the baby's surname. As we are unmarried and not living together and the relationship is very up and down, I believe it's in our daughters best interests to have my surname as she will live with me. He believes she should have his surname as he thinks it's the right thing to do. He can be very domineering if we disagree on something and is trying to forbid me from giving our daughter my surname. I just don't know what to do for the best 😣

OP posts:
Abetes · 27/07/2018 19:11

I’m pretty sure that if you register the baby without him present, he cannot feature on the birth certificate at all unless you take a statutory declaration signed by him which defeats the object of what you are trying to achieve. It depends if you want him on the birth certificate or not. I would check this though as I might be wrong.

heymammy · 27/07/2018 19:18

OP if the fallout is to be as bad as expected then he is not the man for you. Unfortunately you will need to find a way to co-parent with him but really you need to dump him, fast, and then set majorly firm boundaries around his access to you and your newborn.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 27/07/2018 19:21

I think given the circumstances OP, you need to give DD the names you choose, not him and have a good think about whether you want him on the Birth Certificate at all.

SuitedandBooted · 27/07/2018 19:53

So he's very bad-tempered, you no longer live together, it sounds a fraught, difficult relationship, but all this should be overlooked, according to him, because the child having his name is " the right thing to do" Confused

The "right thing to do" is not to be an intimidating bullying arse, and treat the mother of your child with love and respect. Give your baby YOUR name, and dump him. Your baby deserves a peaceful, calm home, and it won't be with him around. He needs a "couple of weeks to calm down" if he's challenged!

OctaviaOctober · 27/07/2018 21:23

What utter shit.

Not any form of shit, as several people have posted here about getting stopped at the airport because they had a different name from their child.

My husband and I don’t share a name. DD has both of our names - mine as a second middle name and his as her surname. Works brilliantly.

In what capacity does it work brilliantly? I don't think I've ever made use of my middle name.

Kate You are already foreseeing that you will be a single parent, so of course you should give her your name. If he is very antagonistic about it, you don't have to take him to get her name registered. The only person who has to be there is you. (I'm fairly sure on this because my DP took our DS to get registered - with my approval - while I was still in hospital and the registrar wouldn't see him without me.) To make it easier, tell him if in the future you get past your issues as a couple and marry, then you can all have the same name (if that's what you would want.)

OctaviaOctober · 27/07/2018 21:26

Missed your updates because I left the laptop to stand in the rain Grin

I would have to register her without telling him because there would be no way he would agree to it at all.

And if you go to the registrar's office still arguing they'll probably send you away. It might be a lot easier and cleaner to end the relationship now.

April229 · 27/07/2018 21:30

If he’s not living with you, use yours.

FizzyWizzyFlash · 27/07/2018 21:32

I'm getting married to the father of my kids but I still regret giving them his surname. I wish they had mine until we got married or double barrelled it.

My 4 year old wants us to have the surname.

In you're situation, please please please give your baby your surname!

I can't understand why he believes baby should have his surname. He's being stupid.

MyFriendGiraffrey · 27/07/2018 23:03

My DD has my DP's surname. He insisted so strongly, even though I was in tears. In the end I gave in. We are still unmarried 4 years later and I struggle now to see a "happy ever after" in our future so resent him so much already for this. When I've brought it up since he says I should have told him how I felt about it Confused He has also said that if I wasn't "completely unhinged" in the days and weeks after the birth then he may have taken more notice to what I was saying Sad Angry

If you can remain strong on this, give the baby your name. You can always change it if you do decide to marry in the future.

Ennirem · 27/07/2018 23:06

MyFriendGiraffey he sounds like a peach Hmm sack him off and change your daughter's name back by deed poll. Poor you!

MyFriendGiraffrey · 27/07/2018 23:25

Thanks @Ennirem I have looked into deed poll already, just in case for the future and it seems I'd need his permission

BertrandRussell · 27/07/2018 23:59

One of the worst options. In my opinion, is the mother’s name as middle name thing. It means nothing. Hyphenate, ladies, hyphenate!

NewGrandad · 28/07/2018 00:04

My sister has two kids by her partner and it does upset me that they have his surname rather than hers (ours).

Totally irrational as me and my brother (and my son) have children to carry the name on.

TittyGolightly · 28/07/2018 00:06

One of the worst options. In my opinion, is the mother’s name as middle name thing. It means nothing. Hyphenate, ladies, hyphenate!

DD would have ended up with a 6 syllable surname. 😬

And besides, if she decides to take a partner’s name in the future (she assured me she won’t now but she’s 7) it won’t be my name that gets dropped. 🤨

zsazsajuju · 28/07/2018 00:14

You can give both as a surname if you want without hyphenation. I don’t understand why women change their names and name their children after their partners/ husbands. It’s a whole lot better and less complicated to name them after you.

Ennirem · 28/07/2018 00:15

Just read your post about his temper. Oh OP Flowers Fuckers like this use this "uncontrollable rage" very calculatedly and only on people they feel they have power over & I'd bet any money he's never lost a job for going batshit at his boss when he disagrees with him. They don't need to "get violent" because the unspoken threat of it is usually enough to keep their targets in line. And in ant case, not violent is an INCREDIBLY low battery to set for yourself and your baby. You deserve better.

OctaviaOctober · 28/07/2018 00:15

He has also said that if I wasn't "completely unhinged" in the days and weeks after the birth then he may have taken more notice to what I was saying

He sounds lovely. Such a supportive partner. Not at all a total knobhead.

But yes that is something else to consider. Give your child his name and it's likely you wont be able to change your mind. The default really should be that an unmarried woman gives her child her name, to be changed later if they decide as a family to all have the same name.

LovelyLemurs · 28/07/2018 01:30

I gave mine my surname. Never regretted it. I have friends who used partners names and regretted.

Cakemadeoffruit · 28/07/2018 06:11

I wish I'd had the foresight that the kids could have had my name, but I didn't. Although not married they had their dad's name. We are still together but as I was always the one doing the school run/dentist/doctor/library I've had to face all the firm filling and questions about them having a different name. I'm now the last in line in my family so my name dies with me.

BertrandRussell · 28/07/2018 07:36

"And besides, if she decides to take a partner’s name in the future (she assured me she won’t now but she’s 7) it won’t be my name that gets dropped."
No. It won't be dropped because it's just another first name. It's not part of her last name at all.

TittyGolightly · 28/07/2018 07:48

That isn’t an issue for me. She has my name in hers. I grew her. She’s the only person to have heard my heart beat from the inside. I don’t need the name that matches to be her surname.

HoppingPavlova · 28/07/2018 11:41

Well, he sounds like a complete prick that adds no positive value to your life. Ditch him asap.

Give your baby your surname and don’t give it a second thought. Our kids don’t have either my surname or DH’s surname. We didn’t want to double barrel so made up a new name with the combination of letters from both our surnames.

Neither of us have ever been accused of trying to kidnap our own children, it has caused no issues with government paperwork or systems, Dr’s, teachers and all relevant people all understood they were our kids without having to explain, never ever been an issue.

Given you will probably not be with your albatross for long though I would definitely stick to your surname. That way if you ever did want to travel etc and it turns out to be an issue you won’t have to deal with him to get a letter etc.

Allthewaves · 28/07/2018 11:47

Your surname. If you get married then you can change both name's. Do not compromise.

TheBookThief · 28/07/2018 11:57

Yours Yours Yours.
Please don't give it a second thought.

(My children have my surname, it just so happens it is the same a their fathers too)

TittyGolightly · 28/07/2018 12:02

Your surname. If you get married then you can change both name's. Do not compromise.

FFS. If they get married it makes more sense for the DH to change their name rather than the OP and their baby. Or would they require branding?

Or, alternatively, everyone just keeps their own name. Stop perpetuating patriarchal bollocks.