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Original poster

Who's surname to give the baby?

229 replies

Kate8790 · 26/07/2018 19:24

Me and my partner are expecting a baby daughter next month and we can't agree on the baby's surname. As we are unmarried and not living together and the relationship is very up and down, I believe it's in our daughters best interests to have my surname as she will live with me. He believes she should have his surname as he thinks it's the right thing to do. He can be very domineering if we disagree on something and is trying to forbid me from giving our daughter my surname. I just don't know what to do for the best 😣

OP posts:
slovenlys · 27/07/2018 07:56

@MissusGeneHunt YOURS!! Wish I had taken my own advice nearly 14 years ago.

Ditto! Down to the years too. Can't believe I didn't give Ds my name in hindsight

MissusGeneHunt · 27/07/2018 08:08

@slovenlys.... And he chose the first name.... Grrrrrr! (tbf, I do like DS's name), I reckon I was so damn tired after 3 days of labour I would have agreed to anything!!!

Sevendown · 27/07/2018 08:11

Yours
Yours
Yours
Yours
Yours
Yours
Yours
Yours
Yours
Yours

ScrubTheDecks · 27/07/2018 08:42

Yours or
Both hyphenated
or
Yours with his as an extra middle name.

If you ever marry, he can take your name.

My children have both our names because they are the children of both of us and always will be, whatever our relationship. It is about parenthood, not your relationship.

And I don’t hold with a woman automatically taking a man’s name on marriage, or children automatically taking their father’s name. A man being domineering would instantly make me dig my heels in against a domineering patriarchal habit!

JMKid · 27/07/2018 08:54

My son has My surname thankfully, yet on our court order I would still need his permission to change it Confused

OrdinarySnowflake · 27/07/2018 08:55

Another saying yours.

babysleeper · 27/07/2018 09:02

No way, give her your name! He can call her after his name but make it officially yours.

FYI you can change her name to the father's name OP but you can't change it to your own!!!! Bare that in mind.

megletthesecond · 27/07/2018 09:07

Yours.
My xp wouldn't let me use mine, or double barrel it, he got really nasty about it. So my dc's are stuck with the surname of someone they don't know. It's miserable.
And in theory I could possibly double barrel it legally (apparently it is allowed in some cases) but it's a big faff.

MuffinMad · 27/07/2018 09:08

TittyGolightly-my father and all his siblings had as a second name their mothers maiden name,even though my grandparents were married.

I think it was a thing that was done many years ago.

I also know a couple who weren't married but wondered what surname to give their baby.
After the birth was registered,they gave the baby the fathers surname.
I told the mum about what happened in my dads family and she was sorry she hadn't thought of that, that is giving the baby her surname as middle name (not double barrelled).

RoboticSealpup · 27/07/2018 09:09

YOURS

I've seen countless threads on here from frustrated mums who regret their choice.

And like others have said, it's not "traditional" to give children their father's name at all.

AlphaBravo · 27/07/2018 09:10

Your surname. And register the birth by yourself. I wouldn't even be putting him on the certificate by the sounds of it tbh.

violets17 · 27/07/2018 12:21

I wonder if giving the baby the father's surname (when you suspect he may not stick around) is some subconscious signal to the rest of the world "look I WAS in an actual relationship - this child isn't a product of some random shag".

Some leftover old fashioned shame about being an "unmarried mother". Perhaps embarrassed at having a child "out of wedlock".

I feel ill looking at those words but there may be some residual societal stuff linked to giving baby a flaky boyfriend's name.

BunsOfAnarchy · 27/07/2018 12:34

Same surname as yourself x

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 27/07/2018 12:38

If you want to compromise, double barrel with the possibility of using yours exclusively.

If not YOURS. You're the primary carer, fucks to archaic tradition!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 27/07/2018 12:40

Yours. Please. If you're going to be doing the majority of the childcare it will be a pain for you every time you're at anything where you have to give your kids surname (lessons, doctors surgery, official documents, childcare etc etc) as you'll have to constantly correct assumptions on your or your child's name. Not a massive issue but irritating. And I say this as someone who has a separate name from my kids and am still with the father. Also, was told by immigration to travel with their passports as may have issues otherwise (I have flown with them by myself a few times)

Guest2025 · 27/07/2018 12:40

Red flags there.... use yours. Seriously

LeighaJ · 27/07/2018 12:42

Your surname. Not sure why he would think differently when you're not married or even living together.

OrdinarySnowflake · 27/07/2018 13:02

Yep, 'tradition' for unmarried parents was for the child to be given their mother's surname, which is why there's a straight-forward process in place to change the child's surname to the fathers should the mother and father marry. The assumption was that children always have the same surname as their mother, as that's the parent it can be 'proved' to be theirs (before DNA testing), and so would only have the same surname as the father if the mother also had the same surname as the father. (Ie were married).

Also yes, red flags about him trying to bully you.

Remember until you or the courts give him rights, he has none. I would leave him off the birth certificate. Give him minimum control.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 27/07/2018 13:23

Please give your baby your name.

I find is bizarre when men believe that babies should get their Dad's name, "because it's tradition".
It's also traditional to be married to your baby's mother before they are born, but they are quite happy to let that particular tradition slide...funny that!

ChuffingNorah · 27/07/2018 13:38

He is a bully. Please don't give in.

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 27/07/2018 13:39

DH am fo we're unmarried when we had our DD. She has always had his surname.

We weren't planning on getting married but I believe the baby has the fathers name.

Purpleartichoke · 27/07/2018 14:06

My husband and I decided that girls would get my name and boys his.

In your situation, use your name. 100% use your name.

AngelsSins · 27/07/2018 14:13

I find is bizarre when men believe that babies should get their Dad's name, "because it's tradition

But they’re not even right, traditionally the baby gets the same name as the mother. Watch them suddenly not find tradition important when they realise thats the case!

Ennirem · 27/07/2018 14:14

Yours, completely. And don't put him on the birth cert, as is your choice. You do not need this domineering bully in your life or your daughter's.

Butterflykissess · 27/07/2018 14:32

I wonder if giving the baby the father's surname (when you suspect he may not stick around) is some subconscious signal to the rest of the world "look I WAS in an actual relationship - this child isn't a product of some random shag".

Funny I always think the opposite. That having a child with a differeny surname to you makes you stand out more as a single mum/unmarried mum

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