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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who's surname to give the baby?

229 replies

Kate8790 · 26/07/2018 19:24

Me and my partner are expecting a baby daughter next month and we can't agree on the baby's surname. As we are unmarried and not living together and the relationship is very up and down, I believe it's in our daughters best interests to have my surname as she will live with me. He believes she should have his surname as he thinks it's the right thing to do. He can be very domineering if we disagree on something and is trying to forbid me from giving our daughter my surname. I just don't know what to do for the best 😣

OP posts:
ohdeardeardear · 26/07/2018 21:14

Yours, yours, yours.

butlerswharf · 26/07/2018 21:25

Give the baby yours. I bowed to pressure on this and now I really regret it and am changing the baby's surname back to mine by deedpoll.

Deadringer · 26/07/2018 21:29

Please give your baby your surname. Your dp doesn't sound like a keeper; he is forbidding you from giving your baby your name, that is ludicrous imo.

WineAndTiramisu · 26/07/2018 21:30

Definitely yours. I've given my DD my surname and my relationship is good! Definitely use yours if he's a twat

Inertia · 27/07/2018 00:34

He can’t forbid you. You are the only parent with a say here, as you are not married.

Do you have a friend or relative who can act as a supportive birth partner if necessary?

Notsurprisedatall · 27/07/2018 00:38

Give her your name, it's soo difficult to change it if you don't work out. It's easy to change it in future with his consent to hers if it does

HoppingPavlova · 27/07/2018 00:40

Definitely your name. Tell him to blow it out his arse.

Cheesenacho123 · 27/07/2018 00:44

We have a child and are unmarried, our son has his dads surname despite half my family saying to keep it as mine just in case we didn’t work out 😡 If he wants to be a part of the babies life (with or without you) then the baby should have dads surname, I feel it’s part of him being included with your child. Otherwise other than genetics what links his own child to him?. If he doesn’t want to be a part of the babies life then fair enough keep it to your surname.

PinkDaffodil2 · 27/07/2018 00:51

Yours - you don’t know what the future holds especially with the relationship being so up and down. As well as all the sensible points above, a few years down the line you may have a different partner and another baby on the way and end up with siblings with different surnames which sounds like a pain.

FASH84 · 27/07/2018 01:01

Even if I was open to using his name in your position, the moment he tried to forbid me he'd lose all say

Yeaididthat · 27/07/2018 01:08

Yours.

gretchinweeners · 27/07/2018 01:12

I regret giving my first child my ex Patterson surname- huge mistake! He more or less took nothing to do with him after the first few months, he was emotionally abusive towards me and owes me a huge sum of money in child maintenance yet my son has his surname. Also, if he is named on the birth certificate you cannot change the child's name again in the future without his permission- that is law

violets17 · 27/07/2018 02:16

Ask yourself in your heart of hearts will he still be in your baby's life in 10 years time. IF you will be single it's nice to have the same surname as your DC, imo.

If not - there is just some random surname kicking around in your household.

I changed my name to ex-DH's surname upon marriage mostly because it was a great name and I hated my own. We had DS1 and gave him our surname. We split up, I kept the surname too and when I had DS2 to someone else I gave him the same surname as DS1 and me. Although DS2 doesn't have a biological "right" to DS1's father's surname it's his legal name because I like it and I knew me and the kids would be the permanent unit and we all have the same name.

MaryShelley1818 · 27/07/2018 05:23

In your situation I would definitely give the baby your surname.
I had baby DS in December and thought long and hard about this, in my circumstances I decided to give baby DP’s name as I was absolutely confident about our future. We got engaged last month and the wedding is booked for December a few days before DS turns one but you have to be absolutely certain (as you can be!)

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/07/2018 05:51

Dh and I are double barrelled. But we married and took on eachothers names. So dd naturally took on our name. We are committed to each-other and dh is a fab dad. This man deserves no such attention. I wouldn’t double barrel. I said way upthread. Your surname. Always. Add his surname as a second middle name if you wish. For example Emily Jemima Controllingarse as first names. Surname Babykate8790.

bengalcat · 27/07/2018 05:59

Yours

trojanpony · 27/07/2018 06:12

Yours x 100.
For all the reasons others have stated above

mediumbrownmug · 27/07/2018 06:30

Yours, absolutely. I’m married, and took my husband’s surname because I was sick to death of mine (mine was also the last name of a very famous dead person, no relation, so it was annoying at times). Therefore our DC was given “our” surname. But this was a conversation we had together, with mutual respect. This doesn’t sound like it is the case for you. Please know that your DP has no say in this, as you’re not married (please don’t get married because of this!). You are your baby’s sole legal parent and protector until (and IF) he is added to the birth certificate. He can not name the baby. Only you can. Please don’t give up a right that the law gave to YOU for your convenience and protection, simply because he tells you to.

goodbyeeee · 27/07/2018 06:38

In your situation I would give her your name.

Our DC have DP's surname. But he's a fantastic person and dad and we've been together a long time in a stable relationship and live together. It wasn't an issue for me to have a different name to them. Appreciate not everyone feels that way though.

GaraMedouar · 27/07/2018 06:48

Forbid???? Your name! Definitely. I would have said your name anyway even if he wasn't domineering. Your name!

Shrimpi · 27/07/2018 07:02

Your partner sounds like a bastard. "Domineering" may as well be a synonym for "is an absolute bastard" as I've never heard the term mean anything else.

You've carried your baby for months and will give birth to her. No doubt you will always be there to care for her.

What has he done to earn the privilege of giving her his name? What commitment has he shown to you and her to justify giving her his name? Absolutely nothing, and if your relationship is on and off there's really no guarantee he will be there for her.

She should share a name with her most involved and committed parent. She isn't his property to label.

Are you frightened of him? It's concerning that he would try to "forbid" you from naming your daughter. Does he "forbid" you from doing other things? What consequences do you think there will be for not doing what he wants?

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 27/07/2018 07:11

If he wants to be a part of the babies life (with or without you) then the baby should have dads surname, I feel it’s part of him being included with your child. Otherwise other than genetics what links his own child to him?. If he doesn’t want to be a part of the babies life then fair enough keep it to your surname.

This argument makes no sense, you could easily say the same for the mother - other than genetics what links her own child to her?

Op we merged our surnames for our dc, we may both change our names to it in the future. But tbh it sounds like your relationship isn't that certain so I'd definitely go for your surname in that case. Who the fuck is he to 'forbid' you from doing anything anyway??

TittyGolightly · 27/07/2018 07:11

If he wants to be a part of the babies life (with or without you) then the baby should have dads surname, I feel it’s part of him being included with your child. Otherwise other than genetics what links his own child to him?. If he doesn’t want to be a part of the babies life then fair enough keep it to your surname.

What sexist nonsense.

limitedscreentime · 27/07/2018 07:19

Yours, but given he is a bit of a shit then don’t enter into any confrontation yet about it and just put your name on the birth certificate. As you are not married only you can register the birth so really you don’t need to deal with it until then.

And hopefully you will have seen the light and dumped him by then anyway.

Lindy2 · 27/07/2018 07:32

Yours. 100%.
If you get married in the future it can change to his.
If you don't stay together then your child who lives with you shares your name.
If you split in the future and baby has his name he would need to give permission for you to change it to anything else. Even if you marry someone else at a later date and want your child to share a different family name. It can make things very complicated.