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Original poster

Who's surname to give the baby?

229 replies

Kate8790 · 26/07/2018 19:24

Me and my partner are expecting a baby daughter next month and we can't agree on the baby's surname. As we are unmarried and not living together and the relationship is very up and down, I believe it's in our daughters best interests to have my surname as she will live with me. He believes she should have his surname as he thinks it's the right thing to do. He can be very domineering if we disagree on something and is trying to forbid me from giving our daughter my surname. I just don't know what to do for the best 😣

OP posts:
Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 14:33

Give baby your last name :). My baby has both mine and my husbands - but if I were in your situation, I’d just give mine and call it a day.

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 27/07/2018 14:55

@Ennirem she knows who the father is though! To not put him down is to lie on a legal, official document.

TittyGolightly · 27/07/2018 15:00

Funny I always think the opposite. That having a child with a differeny surname to you makes you stand out more as a single mum/unmarried mum

I’m neither. In our case it’s a sign that I didn’t decide that I needed to be identified by whom I’d chosen to marry.

BertrandRussell · 27/07/2018 15:02

“Ennirem she knows who the father is though! To not put him down is to lie on a legal, official document.”

Not true. You can just leave the father bit blank.

Ennirem · 27/07/2018 15:03

@Ennirem she knows who the father is though! To not put him down is to lie on a legal, official document.

Absolutely not it isn't. It doesn't say Father (if known). It is an optional field as far as she is concerned. As an unmarried mother, it is entirely up to her whether to include him on the certificate, whether she knows that he is the father or not. You are not obliged to fill it in unless you are married to the father.

And I would say given he sounds like a controlling fuckface, the fewer footholds she gives him on her life the better.

Justanothernameonthepage · 27/07/2018 15:03

Yours. And point out if it means that much to him, to have the same surname as his kid, he can always change his to yours as well.

Oswin · 27/07/2018 15:06

Mrs snooty no you are wrong. If the dp isnt there Op cant even put him down on it amyway.

Furrydogmum · 27/07/2018 15:15

I have two friends that had children unmarried, one set were called "Spring-Summer" and generally got called Spring for ease - Spring being the mum. The others were "South-West" and when the parents got married and mum took dad's name dropped the South. If you don't have a strong relationship and think dad will not figure in the future maybe double barrel with yours first as it is easy to drop off one of the names..

NutElla5x · 27/07/2018 15:15

Just you using the word 'forbid' in relation to him makes alarm bells ring for me.YOU will be the one giving birth to the baby after lugging it around for 9 months and coping with the sickness and what have you.YOU will be responsible for the majority of it's care and the night feeds by the sound of it and I hate to say it but you will probably end up as a single parent,so of course the baby should take your surname,you'd be an absolute fool to give it his!

Brainfogmcfogface · 27/07/2018 15:24

I’m in the same boat. There’s a long back story but we already have a DD and he never showed when I registered her even though I begged him, now he wants this one to have his name. No! Even if it means I don’t tell him when I register, I simply refuse to have a different name to my child. And as we already have one I’m not having 2 kids with the same parents have different names either.
At the time I felt like I’d let my DD down, turns out It was a blessing in disguise he I’d hate to have a different name to my DD.

Gemini69 · 27/07/2018 17:00

Has OP disappeared ?

violets17 · 27/07/2018 17:17

I've changed my mind.

I think you should call your daughter Julie Anne Fatcontroller as all her first names then your surname. Plus I think you should take him to add all his details on her bc, for her own identity when she is older.

She will have to state her father on all sorts of forms throughout her life - passport applications etc. Also genealogical reasons in 100 years, it's sad to see a blank on a family tree.

Won't she feel sad to leave the space for father blank all her life?

I have a male cousin born in the early 70s whose father refused to put his name on the bc and he feels really ashamed about it.

Original poster
Kate8790 · 27/07/2018 17:23

I've not disappeared 😁 I've been reading everyone's responses and for the most part it seems everyone agrees with me, that I should give my daughter my surname. I would have to register her without telling him because there would be no way he would agree to it at all. It's a huge decision to make and the fallout from it will be bad.

OP posts:
Metoodear · 27/07/2018 17:24

Yours if your not married

violets17 · 27/07/2018 17:26

Most of us posting are recounting experiences re our DCs but is there anyone here who the situations applies to personally - ie you have a different surname to your mother (when growing up) and are walking around with some long disappeared father's surname?

theveryhighlife · 27/07/2018 17:31

Please give your baby your surname, I gave my children their father's name (we weren't married) and it really bothers me now that they don't share my surname.
Plus it's proven to be a pain in the bum in the past when we've been travelling due to us having different surnames!

Gemini69 · 27/07/2018 17:36

OP it's Your Child as much as it's His.... Flowers

Queenofthestress · 27/07/2018 17:43

Anyone who tried to forbid me to do anything whilst I was in a relationship woth them would soon find themselves single

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/07/2018 17:44

You’re scared of him. He sounds horrible Sad

Give your baby your name and good luck with everything.

You don’t need him around either of you if his behaviour threatens and scares you.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 27/07/2018 18:02

If you’re scared of the fall out, what do you think he’d do OP?

Original poster
Kate8790 · 27/07/2018 18:24

He's got a terrible temper, he's never been violent or threatened violence, but when he loses his temper it's like he turns into someone else. If he thinks he's in the right then he will not stop going mad until he feels he's got his point across.. last time it took a couple of weeks for him to calm down, which resulted in me promptly moving out and refusing to live with him again.

OP posts:
AmayaBuzzbee · 27/07/2018 18:34

Good for you op. Now please get rid of him for good for your and your baby’s sake. That is not a role model you need in your child’s life - ever.

OrdinarySnowflake · 27/07/2018 19:02

You don't need to take him with you to register the baby.

You should be thinking carefully if you want any contact at all.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 27/07/2018 19:03

Agree, you’ve done brilliantly by moving out. Now you just need to make it clear that it’s over. There is no reason on earth that you need a man like that in your, or your DDs life.

Gemini69 · 27/07/2018 19:10

that's no way to live OP.. you did the right thing Flowers