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Original poster

Who's surname to give the baby?

229 replies

Kate8790 · 26/07/2018 19:24

Me and my partner are expecting a baby daughter next month and we can't agree on the baby's surname. As we are unmarried and not living together and the relationship is very up and down, I believe it's in our daughters best interests to have my surname as she will live with me. He believes she should have his surname as he thinks it's the right thing to do. He can be very domineering if we disagree on something and is trying to forbid me from giving our daughter my surname. I just don't know what to do for the best 😣

OP posts:
Inertia · 26/07/2018 20:24

Ditch the domineering partner. Men like this ramp up the level of fear and threat when women are at their most vulnerable, ie pregnant or post-partum.

Give the baby your surname. You could include her father’s surname as a middle name if you want to compromise.

I would avoid adding him to the Birth certificate too- if he is domineering and you separate he may well use the auto parental responsibility to control you. He can apply to be added.

whodoyoufollow · 26/07/2018 20:24

My sons last name is double barrelled so he's got my surname first then his fathers surname he loves his last name he says he feels special as he's got my last name and his dads.

GreenTulips · 26/07/2018 20:24

If you give the child his name you will need his permission to change it

If you give the child your name he will have to seek permission to change it

Your shout as you're not married

MsHopey · 26/07/2018 20:26

Me and DH are married but I kept my surname. DS has my surname. DH never thought it was an issue.

Novasglow · 26/07/2018 20:26

Your name. I gave DD her fathers surname, we split and he has contact when he can be bothered. No way he'd agree to let me change it now. I regret it so much.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 26/07/2018 20:26

In this situation; I'd give the baby my name. It's rocky and you don't live together. Those are both good reasons.

I've always thought I'd find it really sad not to have the same surname as my children - I grew up with a different surname to my foster parents - so I see why he's upset; but he has no reason to be domineering. It's the way things are at the moment.

Ceecee18 · 26/07/2018 20:26

Give the baby whatever name you want, don't let him change your mind. I'm not married and have DD DPs name. I don't regret it but our relationship is pretty solid and we're getting married in a few months, also my name sounded awful with the first name I wanted for her. In your situation I would have given her my name.

HoneyBadgerApparently · 26/07/2018 20:27

Your name. Definitely. And please leave him Flowers

NoLightInTheTunnel · 26/07/2018 20:28

In my situation I let my DC have their dad's surname. My surname is my married one (I was widowed), and not really anything to do with the family line. My ex has a strong, historical family line, so I felt it important the DC be a part of that, instead of a surname that really meant nothing to them.

It can be a pain though - I often get referred to as Mrs (their surname). It pisses me off, as the ex is an arsehole and I want nothing linking me to him.

trevthecat · 26/07/2018 20:31

My 2 eldest have their dad's name. He is no contact. It's been 5 years. It's a pain in the arse! Holidays I have to bring paper work, at school I have to explain the situation, with other I have to also. Wish they had my name. We will be changing them when me and my partner get married. They have asked for their names to be changed. Use your name

newmumwithquestions · 26/07/2018 20:32

Yours of course.
It’s what I did and haven’t regretted it for a second

AnneElliott · 26/07/2018 20:33

Use your name. My SIL was detained by immigration as she couldn't prove that my niece was her child.

TittyGolightly · 26/07/2018 20:47

@TittyGolightly

You do get questioned at the airport, I have been with my kids when going on holiday.. I will be obtaining a letter from my ex this year to explain that the children are allowed to leave the country with me. Luckily we are amicable, I can imagine this could be problematic with nightmare ex’s.

We’ve had gate staff ask DD what her name is and who she is with. Simple questions anybody might ask in lots of different locations.

I’m not sure why you think this doesn’t happen?

I didn’t say it didn’t happen. Maybe DD having my name as a second middle name makes life easier. If you re-read my posts you’ll see that I said first that that is what we did.

Personally I don’t understand why a woman would give up her own name, never mind not featuring her name in that of her children.

LittleOwl153 · 26/07/2018 20:48

Did I read that right he is trying to FORBID you from doing something - you're a grown adult I assume ?
Nah don't play that game. If he can't treat you with any respect now then get rid you'll be better off without him.
Start as you mean to go forward. Don't give the child his name, don't even let him know you are registering the child. He can't do it on your behalf as you are not married.
Forbid you from naming your child - who does he think he is!!

billsbillsbillsbills · 26/07/2018 20:51

Why not both I have both it's never killed me, Rock Paper Scissors on who's is first though (hint do rock first, everyone always does scissors first)

billsbillsbillsbills · 26/07/2018 20:52

Just because he can be a dick doesn't mean the child is not his. A father is a parent too regardless or who have birth. Have both

Coulditbeme · 26/07/2018 20:52

Your name. 100%.
If I could turn the clock back I would give my dd my name.
Our relationship wasn’t stable, we never lived together. Looking back I don’t think he liked me never mind loved me.
I was pressured by her controlling dad into giving her his surname and he left us when she was a year old.
I always made her available for contact though. I would never harm her relationship with her dad who she loves very much.
However, she’s still only preschool age and he’s had me in court twice to further exert his control over me.
Family court recently granted his application of 50/50 shared care.
He treated me like shit before and he will continue to do so as long as he can.
I should have given her my name and would advise anybody who is not married / in a controlling unstable relationship to give a child their own surname.

Roundtheworld · 26/07/2018 20:54

I gave my daughter my name and my husband’s. I worked hard to make her, so I wanted my name to be recorded.

User183737 · 26/07/2018 20:57

Bills no. Have the mothers only. That way when they split the child will have the name of the resident parent

0lgaDaPolga · 26/07/2018 20:58

Definitely yours. I have a friend with a 13 year old son who has his fathers surname. Father hasn’t seen him since he was 9 months old. Father won’t agree to mum changing his name so the poor kid has to have a different surname to the rest of his family.

The relationship doesn’t sound stable at all so I wouldn’t even consider giving your baby name

user1495997773 · 26/07/2018 20:59

Give your baby your name, and carefully consider your relationship with your partner. If he is domineering and tries to forbid you from doing things you might be better ditching him!

TorviBrightspear · 26/07/2018 21:03

Your name, always. I regret not doing this with my 2, Ex has been an arse and the 2 DCs have contemplated changing their name, but they probably won't because of the hassle.

Don't bother even double barrelling, he sounds like an arse, so the relationship might not survive long term.

You can register the birth on your own. If you leave him off, he won't have PR, he'll have to apply for it. Given that he's trying to put his foot down over this, he may turn out to be an arse on other ways, and no PR makes it easier to reduce the hassle.

Barbie222 · 26/07/2018 21:08

Yours. I wouldn't be pressurising him to go on the birth certificate either. See how much he does towards organising that.

Starlight345 · 26/07/2018 21:10

Another yours .

I see so many posts of people regretting giving ex there children’s surname.

But some red flags . Take a step back and take a look if this is a relationship you want your dc to be part of.

Yogagirl123 · 26/07/2018 21:13

Your surname without doubt OP. I would never have given my children a different name to me. Don’t give in under pressure, you may well regret it otherwise.