to think that I should be able to visit my parents for a couple of days when on maternity?

[PinkEred]

26 weeks pregnant, baby due in November. My parents live about a 3 hour drive away and I was hoping that as I'm taking a year of maternity leave, that once baby is 6 months+ I could go and visit them. This would likely be during the week when DP is at work so I would still have my weekend with DP.

I would only visit 2/3 times most likely in my whole maternity leave and not until baby is much bigger.

DP can't get the time off. 100% of his leave is used on having his DD for his share of the time over the summer and Christmas holidays. This is absolutely fine, but means he can't visit my family with me at the times which suit them best (not school holidays as they struggle to get time off).

DP thinks it is unreasonable for him to have to be away from his DC for 2/3 days during the first year of their life.

AIBU to think that if all DPs leave is going on his DD, meaning he can't take time off unless it is in the school holidays, that I am perfectly reasonable in going away with DC for 2/3 days once in a blue moon?

Genuinely don't know if IABU or not. We haven't argued over this and I am being sensitive to how he feels, and have just said that we will discuss it at another time so discussion didn't go much further than that...

I am sorry, l think your Dp is being ridiculous. You go and enjoy your time with new baby and your parents.

The summer I had my first ds I spent 6 weeks with my sister in our family holiday home at the other end of the country. Dh was happy for me to have something nice to do and not be sitting round the house. I regularly take kids away with me when dh can’t take time off work and lots of my friends do as well. Your dh is being weird and possessive

I can understand from your DP point of view that he does not want to miss anything but I know exactly how you feel too. Since I had my LO (14 months) I have gone to my parents 3 times in the week without my hubby, they live about 3 hours away too. He has actually enjoyed the break and I have always picked weeks where he is particularly busy, usually go Monday or Tuesday and back Friday morning. He missed us but with Skype etc it’s easy to talk everyday. I wouldn’t push him too much now, he might change his mind when baby is here ( you can persuade them of most things when they are tired 😂)

I can add as well that I am really far from my family. I live in the area where he grew up so he can be close to his daughter. I would no doubt have moved back to be near my family if it wasn't for DP. I very rarely see them, and don't have a great deal of friends in the area... I just don't know what I will do other than climb the walls if I am here by myself 100% of the time waiting for DP to come home...

So he is living away from his dd and cannot have a few days away from his next child.
Don't bother discussing it now. When he has had a few sleepless nights he will be asking when you are going.
Its perfectly fine to go and a nice break for you

YANBU. Your husbands responsibilities for his other children should not prevent you having a life. I can understand that your DP doesn't want to miss anything, and he may, perhaps projecting from my own scenario here, have some guilt about how much of how other children's lives he is missing, but he is being selfish. Go, have fun.

YANBU and his feelings aren't unreasonable either but it is unreasonable for him to try to stop this.

So going away for a few days on mat leave without DP is quite a normal thing to do then?

He’ll likely change his tune when he’s running on empty after a few months with a newborn.

saturday I did think this, but then again he has done it before... maybe he's forgotten!

It is totally normal. I’ve done it with all of my DC.

Yanbu. My dh regularly had to travel for work when the D.C. were small, and encouraged me to visit my family if it suited us all. He got a rest, as did I. Has your dp forgotten how exhausting a newborn can be? I think you should absolutely visit your family whenever it suits you, or perhaps he would prefer to host them all at your house? In all seriousness, I don’t know anybody who lives away from their relatives who hasn’t taken advantage of mat leave to visit at quieter times. He’s either possessive or jealous.

Very normal to want to do this op, I wouldn't even entertain my DH trying to object about this tbh unless I was trying to travel through bad weather.
You moved for him so he could maintain a close relationship with his DD, he has no right to say you can not travel back home to visit your family so they can bond with your DC, he can't have it all his way.

He is showing signs of being controlling. And pregnancy is often a trigger for this kind of abuse. I also note you are isolated from your family. Another red flag.

I love that he cares and doesn't want to be away from DC, and I know that I would HATE to be away from my baby. This is why I am trying to empathise with him. I just can't stand the idea of a whole year without being able to go anywhere.

His parents live round the corner and I guess he maybe takes for granted a little how nice that is for him. I want my child to know the place where I grew up, to know the seaside (I'm in the midlands) and to know their grandparents houses and home town.

I'm a very anxious person so easily convince myself that what I am considering is not reasonable...

YANBU OP.
I did this on my first mat leave and will do it on my second (though I'll probably take the car rather than train!)

Your DP is being ridiculous. Yes it is pretty normal to be away from your child for a couple of days even at 6months. He sounds very controlling. My parents live abroad and ive been to see them on my own with DS when he was very small... ive also travelled several hours to see them with my son when he was only a few months old as they were in Dover and I wanted them to get to spend a day with him. My DH is a very hands on dad who likes us all to do things together but he would never have kicked up a fuss about me taking our son to see his GPs!!

And I note his year long limit. Your maternity leave essentially. Presumably you are allowed to visit after that. When you are not able too.

Have a look online at coercive controll and see if you recognise anything.

@MsPavlichenko not the case at all. He isn't in the slightest bit controlling or abusive. He is kind and loving and mentioned in a short passing conversation that he would find it hard being away from his new DC. He struggles at the moment with his DD as he misses her so much. I know you are trying to be kind but I don't think it is always productive to jump to the conclusion of control or abuse.

I am not isolated from my family. I live far away from them. I live in the midlands because of work and have done for years. We bought a house in a different part of the midlands to be near his DD. I love DP and wouldn't want him to be away from his daughter until she is older (university/independent age). This is not a red flag, it's a choice I made because I love my partner, that's all.

Just thought I would clear that up. He is very appreciative of this.

I moved 1.5 hours away from my family so I could live in DH’s town where he grew up and all his friends are. I am on mat leave and am taking my 9 week old daughter away to my mum’s overnight every fortnight because I’m bored out of my brain and miss my own family/friends.

DH is fine with this (and will be going to the pub I imagine) but I’d still do it even if he wasn’t. You have to have something for yourself, especially if you relocated for his benefit. Presumably he’ll be at work most of the day so it will only be a few hours he’ll miss out on?

He's being really unfair. You are living a long way from your family so that he can live near his daughter. The least he can do is accept that you go to visit your family every now and then.

YANBU at all, it's a normsl thing to want to do.

Just want it to be clear that DP would never stop me from doing this. He is just concerned about missing out on things and I believe this stems from missing out on a lot with his DD. It's coming from a place of misguided worry as opposed to control. I can absolutely assure you of this.

Tell that to all the guys in the forces who haven't seen their kids at all in their first year. He's being ridiculous.

I did this a few times and while my DH did miss us he knew it was good for us and my side of the family (also did visits with DH). Did he have problems with his ex taking his daughter away and this makes him nervous?