to think that I should be able to visit my parents for a couple of days when on maternity?

[PinkEred]

26 weeks pregnant, baby due in November. My parents live about a 3 hour drive away and I was hoping that as I'm taking a year of maternity leave, that once baby is 6 months+ I could go and visit them. This would likely be during the week when DP is at work so I would still have my weekend with DP.

I would only visit 2/3 times most likely in my whole maternity leave and not until baby is much bigger.

DP can't get the time off. 100% of his leave is used on having his DD for his share of the time over the summer and Christmas holidays. This is absolutely fine, but means he can't visit my family with me at the times which suit them best (not school holidays as they struggle to get time off).

DP thinks it is unreasonable for him to have to be away from his DC for 2/3 days during the first year of their life.

AIBU to think that if all DPs leave is going on his DD, meaning he can't take time off unless it is in the school holidays, that I am perfectly reasonable in going away with DC for 2/3 days once in a blue moon?

Genuinely don't know if IABU or not. We haven't argued over this and I am being sensitive to how he feels, and have just said that we will discuss it at another time so discussion didn't go much further than that...

Wait till the baby arrives, is a few weeks old and he's been sharing the waking nights .... he won't complain then.

I have a 6 week old and am currently staying with my parents in another country for a week. DH is using the time to accrue some flexi leave, get some sleep and maybe clean the house!
I also have a 5yo so it's hugely beneficial for me to have my family to help/look after us a bit at the beginning of the school holidays.
Don't wait til baby is 6 months, go and get some help with the newborn stage!!

Again, what the hell is the point of this thread?

You don't miss much in 3 days...babies are quite dull little things for most of the time. I'm sure when the baby actually arrives, he won't mind if you go off for a couple of days. If he really misses you, he can always FaceTime or Skype!

proper I initially started this thread to get opinions. To see what other people did and how long they spent away from their partners with their babies. To see if people could help me rationalise how DP is feeling, and to determine whether he was being completely unreasonable or not or whether other people had these worries.

I agree with Caribbean, it’s not unreasonable of you to go to your family for a few days, but you really don’t need to have the conversation until the baby is here.

At the moment he’s worrying about having time and a relationship with an as yet theoretical baby - understandable given how much he’s missed out on his existing dc - which no doubt makes every day extra precious -once the baby is here and he knows he has a relationship and is getting to spend lots of time with it, a few days away from it will seem less important really appealing due to sleep deprivation
You can skype/FaceTime daily, and he really won’t be missing that much baby-awake time anyway

He's said one stupid misguided thing...

One stupid and misguided thing that had you talking in these terms:

I just can't stand the idea of a whole year without being able to go anywhere.

That is what is jumping out at people and causing concern. It's so far from normal I'm shocked you're even considering it as a possibility.

That would be an extremely abnormal position to be in, whether it's because someone banned you from going anywhere or because they made you feel guilty and unreasonable for wanting to. Neither would be OK.

Can you at least see how reading something like that after your op would leave people worried for you? I haven't seen anybody attacking here, they're just concerned and trying to make sure you're ok.

@PinkEred Sorry, you came on here for advice and clearly feel attacked! That wasn't my intention

I was purely trying to highlight something to be mindful of in case there are any future incidents like this. It might be wise to point out to your DP how it comes across to a third party when you chat to him if you are sure that isn't his intention.

@HoneyBadgerApparently but I am not isolated from my family, I just live 3 hours away. I speak to them almost every day and see them all the time. He isn't trying to control me and I have explained that he really is not a controlling person, he is just being completely unreasonable and probably panicked a little as he remembers missing out on stuff with his DD, we only had this conversation this morning, he is still at work and to be honest I haven't talked to him about it because I can't really be bothered this evening, I'm knackered and want to sleep. I understand there is increased DV in veterans, but this really isn't the case here. I asked if DP was being unreasonable and instead of people saying yes, they told me he is abusive and controlling. I explained how this is not the case, but I am not trusted to make that judgement. People are continuing to tell me my partner is abusive and controlling, over one silly comment he made. It's just all a bit ridiculous as I am being completely dismissed regarding my views on this. He is not abusive or controlling!

@HoneyBadgerApparently xp. I don't feel attacked. I'm just being dismissed entirely.

I live 3 hrs away from my family. I used to go down for a few days on my own, dh didn't miss much really especially once he'd been at work.

Oh and dh hasn't isolated me from my family because I live so far away, life is just what it is. I generally laugh and say that I must love him if I stayed.

@AnoukSpirit I understand the initial concern. I've explained my relationship with DP and am still being told I am being abused and controlled. I'm not, but my view on this isn't important clearly.

I do however now understand that he is being unreasonable and that I am naive to have thought that his concern may have come from a place of worry due to his past experience.

My parents live round the corner and I still go on holiday with my them at least once a year while DH is working and take my 3 young DC. My DH is just glad I have company (and probably enjoying the break!)

Also my DH's parents live on a farm about 1.5hrs away and he takes the kids there overnight once a month or so. Gives me a break and is there only chance to see DC.

Your DP is being removed from silly of course you should see your family.

My parents live in NZ and I took four month old DD to visit them whilst I was on maternity leave. Away from DH for a month!! It all went well and no harm done. So you can imagine my view on a few days apart...

Hmm. But apparently you ARE isolated from your family because your dh is not keen for you to visit them for a few days on mat leave. (Visiting your parents while on mat leave is so ordinary that it is actually more unusual NOT to - which is why everyone is utterly baffled that your dh would be trying to prevent it. It doesn’t make any sense.)
As a former serviceman, he should be more than comfortable with the idea that wives, children, and husbands do spend varying amounts of time apart, for various reasons, and that this can be managed with no impact to family relationships.
I obv don’t know why he was med discharged, but there are a lot of ex servicemen with varying degrees of un-dx ptsd where this type of behaviour can be an indication that they aren’t coping very well. (Reluctance to let partners/ families out of sight, undefined feelings of vulnerability linked to loss that might be triggering that reluctance etc). Hopefully not, and hopefully no other signs (usually linked to self-medicating with alcohol etc).
If not, he is being bloody weird with no good reason, and I would be dealing with that by arranging a visit as soon as possible, so that he gets used to the idea that you will be visiting your parents, whenever you want to, while you can. If it’s just him being daft, he’ll realize that right away and have no issue with it.
If he tries to put his foot down or dictate your visits, you might need to think a bit harder about the control side etc.
For info, I spent a lot of time away before dd1’s first birthday (probably three days every month in a different country after she was 3mo), and I also took the two tiniest away for three weeks to a different country on dc2’s mat leave (to visit friends and family - we toured around a bit. Dh met us there at the end of the holiday). With dc3 I gave up taking the kids and left them there for him to look after, and went to visit on my own.
As I say, if he is being daft, he won’t have any problem accepting the many visits to your parents that you choose to make. If he persists in asking you not to go, time to dig a little deeper.

Does he really not intend to spend any time away from the baby? Not even to take his daughter out on her own somewhere, or meet up with friends, or go to after work dos, etc etc? Because unless that is what he plans he really is being seriously inconsistent. He might just as easily miss out on the baby's first word when he's out at the park with his daughter as when you're visiting your parents.

he's being very, very silly

He's being very, very selfish. He did actually ask you not to go.

If his train of thought had taken your needs into account as well as his and gone.

"Yeah of course. Good idea. I wish I could go. I'll hate to miss out. Sodding work. When will you go do you think? Oh I'll miss you both. But you have a good time."

Not only would you not have had to ask on AIBU, but no one would be concerned that he is controlling you and being emotionally manipluative.

I hope he apologises for being selfish, not merely gives in and 'allows' you to go.

OP, what you're proposing is perfectly normal. I did this every month (from baby being 4/5 weeks) when I was on mat leave. The only difference being that I could more or less hear my DP whooping with glee at the thought of uninterrupted sleep, evenings of films and gaming, and meals eaten hot, as we left the house.

While sympathetic to not wanting to miss time with a young baby, what you're proposing is totally normal.

It's really important for your child to develop relationships with their wider family too. My DS is very at home in his grandparents' house now. If I hadn't taken him up, he wouldn't have seen (or been seen by) extended family members who can't visit us - my (now deceased) DGM wasn't able to travel and another v close relative can't stay with us due to pet allergies. Plus you may well get a bit of a break, or at least someone to hold/entertain baby while you eat a hot meal.

My only question would be why you don't plan to do this before six months?!

I bet you he'll be encouraging you to go after a few months 😂

Make sure you video call him each evening.

I'm on mat leave with my second DC and about to go on my third trip to see my parents with the DC! They also live a few hours away so it's really nice to spend time with them and get the DC used to their house so we can ship them off there for holidays when they're older. DH has to work so stays here but is fine about it. He misses us but the 3 peaceful nights he gets while we are away makes up for it! Sure there's a risk he might miss milestones but that would only really be DD walking and he could miss those first steps if he's at work anyway!

Go and enjoy. Once you're back at work you won't have the luxury of doing this and it is so lovely for both DC and grandparents. Agree with the PP who said that after a few sleepless nights your DP will be asking you to go!

My sister lives 3000 miles away. When her Ds was 3 months she came home to visit just the two of them. For 3 weeks. It was fine

I don't think it is unreasonable for you to visit your family once the baby is a bit bigger. A newborn would struggle with a 3 hour car journey I think. In fact I don't think they are supposed to be in their car seats for that long all at once. Can your parents visit you initially and then you alternate visits between going on your own or going with DP and his DD? I actually think it is quite sweet he doesn't want to be separated from you both and understandably wants his DD to be included in visits. Even if she doesn't live with you full time sh3 still has to adjust to a new sibling.

Why can't he change nights with his ex if you're all so friendly so that he can support you in your first birth. That's v weird for a start. He sounds rather fixated on access to his children tbh. I also don't understand how his entire quota of annual leave has to accommodate his dd. Surely he can make some room in his life for the new baby. Is he really never going to have one day off without it being his dd's holiday. That's unusual for resident parents.!