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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that I should be able to visit my parents for a couple of days when on maternity?

116 replies

PinkEred · 26/07/2018 16:54

26 weeks pregnant, baby due in November. My parents live about a 3 hour drive away and I was hoping that as I'm taking a year of maternity leave, that once baby is 6 months+ I could go and visit them. This would likely be during the week when DP is at work so I would still have my weekend with DP.

I would only visit 2/3 times most likely in my whole maternity leave and not until baby is much bigger.

DP can't get the time off. 100% of his leave is used on having his DD for his share of the time over the summer and Christmas holidays. This is absolutely fine, but means he can't visit my family with me at the times which suit them best (not school holidays as they struggle to get time off).

DP thinks it is unreasonable for him to have to be away from his DC for 2/3 days during the first year of their life.

AIBU to think that if all DPs leave is going on his DD, meaning he can't take time off unless it is in the school holidays, that I am perfectly reasonable in going away with DC for 2/3 days once in a blue moon?

Genuinely don't know if IABU or not. We haven't argued over this and I am being sensitive to how he feels, and have just said that we will discuss it at another time so discussion didn't go much further than that...

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 26/07/2018 17:23

Maybe one way to look at it is you are talking 4 days 3 times in a year - so 12 days. Ok so he can only see his parents with baby one day a month in that maternity year? Would he think that's unfair?
I think you need to be very careful not to isolate yourself on maternity leave. Go visit your family and try to make local (baby?) Friends too. Do not let him isolate you.

MsPavlichenko · 26/07/2018 17:24

But he is being controlling by suggesting you don't visit. He could otherwise say that he'll really miss you but of course you should go. I meant you are geographically isolated is all.

Will be delighted to be wrong here. But controllers don't start off that way often and can also be lovely in other ways. Does he have a good relationship with his XW? Usually a good sign.

LittleOwl153 · 26/07/2018 17:24

He can't take time off, he won't let you go in your own so your family only get yo see baby if they come visit you - I'd tell him to take a hike!

Original poster

PinkEred · 26/07/2018 17:25

blue he was in the forces when his DD was born - medically discharged 3 years ago. He missed out on a lot. Not much relevance to the initial post but he understands what it's like more than anyone to be away from his child.

OP posts:

WineAndTiramisu · 26/07/2018 17:27

You should definitely do this, I've just got back from a 4 day festival with my mum and dd (13 weeks). My DP obviously missed us, but was quite happy for us to go, and it was over a weekend!

Gatehouse77 · 26/07/2018 17:27

I took 5 week old DS with my sister for a short break in Devon - DH was glad of the peace and quiet! And frequently I went to my mum's or his parents for a couple of days here and there.

It hasn't affected their relationship as it's the time you DO spend with them that matters.

There's plenty of scope to foster relationships within the family - he's just got to be prepared to put the effort in. And, frankly, that goes for any parent/relative (including the OTT in-laws).

CarrotandSwede · 26/07/2018 17:27

Of course it’s normal. I did the same when mine were babies. DH appreciated a bit of sleep!

Original poster

PinkEred · 26/07/2018 17:27

msp he's not a controller. He's not shown any signs of control. He's just being a bit unreasonable At the moment because he's worried he will miss out, likely because he has missed out before.

Don't know what else to say to convince you that he's not abusive.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 26/07/2018 17:28

Op, when I was in mat leave with dd1, we went travelling once a month for approx 3 days per time, once she was 3 months old. We went tues to Thursday ish. We visited my mum about three times, went to Prague, Madrid, Lisbon and Brugge. It was the perfect time for me to travel which I enjoy, dd couldn't have cared less where she was.
Dh suggested it as the perfect opportunity.
I don't get how someone who loves you wouldn't want you to be happy.

Bluelady · 26/07/2018 17:28

Then he should realise how ridiculous he's being.

Caribbeanyesplease · 26/07/2018 17:28

It’s one of those issues that seems such a big deal during pregnant

Your other half can’t imagine being away from his unborn child.

Then, the time comes, and he’s absolutely fine with you going because it means he gets to watch crap until the early hours and have an uninterrupted night sleep.

Just smile and nod. Trust me, it will be fine.

Original poster

PinkEred · 26/07/2018 17:29

arethere I don't think it's a case of him not wanting me to be happy. It's more likely a case of him remembering what it's like to miss out and catastrophising a little. It was a very brief conversation and likely sounds worse than it was as people are jumping to the conclusion of abuse.

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkEred · 26/07/2018 17:30

caribbean I'm sure that'll be the case!

OP posts:

ProperLavs · 26/07/2018 17:31

OP we are telling you what WE see. What we see, bring objective is not what YOU see happening.
He is unreasonable and controlling and i feel sorry that you keep on defending his behaviour.

MsPavlichenko · 26/07/2018 17:34

How is relationship with his XW?

timeisnotaline · 26/07/2018 17:34

It’s completely normal, everyone I know does it! Because women are both not working and stuck home with small children , so they visit family sometimes to see them and for a break. I went to my brothers and dp came for the weekend, went to Paris with mysister, we all went to our family in Australia , dp for two weeks and I stayed a month, with the baby of course.
Your dp has no leave to use for his baby as his dd gets it all. You live near their family for his dd. Now you have a dd he has to understand. How about either you get to visit your family or, you can all move to your family just like you moved to be near his. Suggest that and he might think a few visits sound better.

BertrandRussell · 26/07/2018 17:34

Don't wait til 6 months or I guarantee it will never happen. As soon as you feel well enough to travel, pop and see your parents for a couple of nights. Establish a pattern of going every month/6 weeks. Just do it. He will try to stop you- but don't be stopped. And when you go back to work, establish a pattern of going for a weekend every couple of months. It doesn't matter how much you think this is not controlling behaviour-it is. Watch out for more.

TheCraicDealer · 26/07/2018 17:34

He needs to catch himself on. If his leave is tied up looking after his DD (completely fair and admirable) then when exactly does he think you'll have the opportunity to see your parents? Are they going to be expected to do all the 6 hour round trips in order to spend time with their new grandchild?

You've made a pretty massive compromise moving and staying where he lives so he can be close to his DD. That makes his life massively easier. The flip side of that is that he needs to compromise as well in order to make sure you're also getting to spend time with your family at a time when you'll need their love and support. I don't think most people would look forward to being away from their new baby (although he might change his mind at the prospect of a few nights unbroken sleep) but ffs he'll be at work most of the time. He's probably only going to miss an hour or two of baby-time each night you're away.

Seniorschoolmum · 26/07/2018 17:35

Think of it this way. There are 365 days in your year’s leave and you plan to go away for 3 days to see your parents, the baby’s grandparents. That’s less than 1%.
YAnbu.

Query1 · 26/07/2018 17:36

If it truly is an issue, would it be possible for your parents to visit you instead? Also, should a baby be in a car seat for that long? I thought I read recently that they shouldn’t be in a car seat for more than an hour at a time, though I could be mistaken as I don’t have children yet (27 weeks pregnant).

Scrumptiousbears · 26/07/2018 17:37

I agree you should be able to go, this is assuming you'd be happy for him to take your DD away for a few days and you be happy not to see them for a few days

bluebeck · 26/07/2018 17:38

yanbu - stick to your guns.

rushhourtraffic · 26/07/2018 17:39

This isn't doting dad territory this is controlling behaviour.
My dh is in forces & has other dc with his ex. He's missed more than your dh I bet as he was at sea 6 months of every year! He loves all his dc to death but would never drop into a convo about how he would miss them so much that I shouldn't go away to see my family for fear of him missing something.
I really can't see how your dh manages a working day if he's that upset about missing stuff.

mumsastudent · 26/07/2018 17:39

give him a couple of weeks of sleepless nights after baby's born & he will drive you to your parents! :) seriously he could visit at weekends - is he allowed his dc over weekends could he bring her down too & visit?

Original poster

PinkEred · 26/07/2018 17:40

DP: "I'm not sure how I would feel with being away from DC when they are so little. I think I would find it really hard not seeing them and I would miss you both a lot. Could we not just all go when I have DD and make a family trip out of it? Feels a bit unfair that I'll miss out"

Me: "we will talk about it nearer the time, but I think it's pretty reasonable for me to visit my parents every so often"

DP: "OK fair enough"

That is pretty much (ish) how it went. It's not abuse and he is not abusive. This is a man who hired a private doula for us when he realised he couldn't come to my birthing class as he had DD, who makes me a cup of tea in bed every morning and is the kindest loveliest man I know. I am not defending him in thinking I shouldn't go away without him, I know this is unreasonable, I am defending the fact that this is not abuse and that he's just being very, very silly!

He was never married but his relationship with his ex partner is absolutely fine. Very amicable and I have a good relationship with her too.

OP posts:

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