to think that I should be able to visit my parents for a couple of days when on maternity?

[PinkEred]

26 weeks pregnant, baby due in November. My parents live about a 3 hour drive away and I was hoping that as I'm taking a year of maternity leave, that once baby is 6 months+ I could go and visit them. This would likely be during the week when DP is at work so I would still have my weekend with DP.

I would only visit 2/3 times most likely in my whole maternity leave and not until baby is much bigger.

DP can't get the time off. 100% of his leave is used on having his DD for his share of the time over the summer and Christmas holidays. This is absolutely fine, but means he can't visit my family with me at the times which suit them best (not school holidays as they struggle to get time off).

DP thinks it is unreasonable for him to have to be away from his DC for 2/3 days during the first year of their life.

AIBU to think that if all DPs leave is going on his DD, meaning he can't take time off unless it is in the school holidays, that I am perfectly reasonable in going away with DC for 2/3 days once in a blue moon?

Genuinely don't know if IABU or not. We haven't argued over this and I am being sensitive to how he feels, and have just said that we will discuss it at another time so discussion didn't go much further than that...

I went away to stay with family with DD and DS on my own when DD was 3 weeks old! Think husband was glad to see the back of us.

Yanbu

I have spend 6weeks with my parents during maternity. DH was only able to join us for 2.

Him trying to stop it is very selfish and unreasonable.

I think all my friends took their babies on mini hols for a few days during maternity leave. Perfect time to catch up with family and old friends whilst DP is busy with work.

I can’t tell whether he is controlling or not but it seems weird that he would even have an issue with you going away for a few nights - he’s not going to miss much in that time.

Your DP is being ridiculous. My DP works away and has had to leave me on my own with the baby for 2-4 nights every single week.

He doesn’t sound abusive or controlling to me

He sounds like a clueless first time dad.

Is the doula as well as the birthing classes or instead of?

Don’t let them rile you

Some trawl the threads looking for shadows where sometimes there aren’t any

He can't go back and reclaim that time with his DD no matter how hard he tries and insisting you remain close by no matter what, is not going to fix his guilt. Realistically how much time is he going to miss with his newborn, in 3 days when he is at work most of the time?
He is being there for his DD as much as he can now which is admirable but saving all his holidays to spend time with her is not always going to be possible with a new baby to consider, if something happens like you being ill, and he can't take holiday time off work to look after you and the new baby, you would be maybe relying on your family to help out which is much easier an ask if they have already spent a reasonable amount of time with the baby.
Maybe a chat about a few practical issues going forward is a good idea?

MsP as well as. My mum is coming to the birth class with me and DP is spending time with the doula with me.

Are you going to the birthing classes anyway?

Are his arrangements with his dd flexible at all? Do you need to talk about how it's going to work when you have the baby?

It is perfectly reasonable for you to want to visit your own parents with your new baby. If it's only 2/3 days at a time, he isn't going to miss much.

This is beyond ridiculous. Your DP cannot keep you under lock and key!

Why would you wait until baby is 6 months+ before you take her to stay with your DPs. You should go as soon and as often as you want to. Your DP will not miss anything of consequence and you should remind him that he is lucky to live so close to his parents & that you miss yours. He chose to use up all his holiday leave for his eldest child, leaving nothing for his youngest - he made that decision, not you, so he will have to live with the consequences. Please take your baby and visit your parents as much as possible while you are on maternity leave & don't wait six months, you will be depriving yourself and your DPs of all that lovely family time.

I'd get him used to it by going in pregnancy, too.

Caribbeanyesplease

He isn't a first time Dad. And in fact no one who has suffered domestic abuse of any kind wants any other woman to suffer.

Hopefully this is not that and will be easily resolved.

Oh ffs he is being ridiculous. I spent 5 days away from dc2 when she was 7 months old and I'm her mum! What exactly is his problem with it?
Also I live a similar distance from my parents and have quite merrily stayed there without DH. He isn't fussed at all...he misses us for sure, but he is not so controlling that he has to be with us all the time.

What the bloody hell is the point of this thread?

The reason we are raising control issues is because red flags are present.

Isolated from family
Controlling behaviour
OP is not communicating her concerns to him, instead asking us, because she is worried about his reaction
Increased incidence of DV in veterans

Controlling men, at the start, don't say you are not seeing your family because I'm in charge and I say so. They say I would miss you so much because I love you so much, it would make me sad, I just want to be with my family what's wrong with that. Not saying that is what's going on here but OP asked for people's opinions by posting this so why shouldn't we give them?

OP you have massively compromised by living near his family. Now he needs to compromise.

I have to say I found his reasoning so ridiculous that it's worrying.

I hope that he does not control you like this all the time ?

MsP it isn't that - there's no 'hopefully' about it! Bloody hell some posts on this thread are nuts. DP is not abusive or controlling he's just a bit of an idiot sometimes! He's said one stupid misguided thing that he will probably kick himself for and he's being labelled as an abuser.

He’s being ridiculous. Many fathers work away from home for varying amounts of time. A few days is nothing.

Op you sound like you think he's being reasonable, so why ask? Why have you changed your mind from posting to now.

Ok, I get it. DP is being very unreasonable. He's not an abuser but my opinion on that is clearly not important. Thanks for raising the red flags.

Fair enough. So you'll chat tonight and tell him your plans re visits. I hope so.

I don't think he is being reasonable. I think he's being an idiot! I just don't agree that he is being unreasonable due to being an abuser. He's being unreasonable because he is a muppet and worrying over something very silly.