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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Telling SIL to not smoke before coming over

105 replies

CorrsIsMyGuiltyPleasure · 26/07/2018 08:46

More of a WWYD. SIL is a smoker and myself and my husband aren't. I sent her a friendly message asking her to not smoke before coming over to visit DC. She seemed offended but obliged but my baby my rules right?

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 26/07/2018 08:48

You can’t stop her smoking when it’s not your home she is smoking in....

You can say you don’t want her to hold your baby with smokey clothes and that will be for her to manage.

Pengggwn · 26/07/2018 08:50

You can do whatever you want to do. It's your baby. That doesn't make you reasonable, however. If you were my sister I would say I will smoke when I want. See you when baby is older.

TrudeauGirl · 26/07/2018 08:51

As believeitornot says, you can ask her not to hold the baby in Smokey clothes, but you can't dictate whether she smokes at home before hand

AnyFucker · 26/07/2018 08:52

Good luck with that relationship with your SIL going forward...

Fattymcfaterson · 26/07/2018 10:23

Is there a time frame for the not smoking before she comes over? An hour? 6? Ever?

Noodledoodledoo · 26/07/2018 10:26

Depends how regularly she is going to visit, I had a similar issue with MIL and FIL, but as we see them rarely I decided not to make a big thing of it, but when we visited we went to SIL's house who doesn't let them smoke inside, so no need to raise the issue and I suggested cuddles when I was aware they were about to go for another cigarette! DH wasn't even aware this is what I was up to! Had just clocked it was about every 60-90 minutes!

TheShapeOfEwe · 26/07/2018 10:27

Eek, I can see why she's offended (even though I despise smoking and think it's filthy and unhygienic). But I don't think you can try to control what people do in their own time outside of your home. I think a better approach would have been to have rules about the baby and when she can hold them etc rather than rules about her smoking.

eightfacesofthemoon · 26/07/2018 10:28

Honestly!? I mean it’s your right. But I can’t see you having a good relationship with her going forward
Third hand smoke is a real danger, but so are lots of things. I think this is a case of pick your battles.

Booklover18 · 26/07/2018 10:28

YABU - as someone else said have you given a time frame? If she smokes and you don’t then you will probably be able to smell it on her clothes anyway. I can’t see that a smell on clothes is going to hurt the baby, she’s not physically smoking in your house. Sorry I think you are being v unreasonable.

Original poster
CorrsIsMyGuiltyPleasure · 26/07/2018 10:36

When your baby has asthma and dont want someone smoking the strongest cigarette I think they should change their clothes before coming over to visit the baby and want to hold DC.
After she left my whole house smelt and my DCs clothes! I just said if you don't mind can you not smoke before you visit or change your clothes before coming over as last time DC smelt like cigarettes and we dont want her exposed to that.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 26/07/2018 10:47

It is absolutely your right.

SnuggyBuggy · 26/07/2018 10:49

YANBU and I'd feel the same but it's very awkward, she probably doesn't realize how bad the smell is.

Original poster
CorrsIsMyGuiltyPleasure · 26/07/2018 10:51

Definitely was a bit awkward trying to tell her but not offend but the whole family takes things the wrong way no matter what the situation is so it's okay. Just glad I dont have to smell it.

OP posts:
Ghanagirl · 26/07/2018 10:54

Second hand smoke from clothes absolutely does get inhaled by newborns I wouldn’t tell her not to smoke but I ask her nicely to please change clothes (wash and brush her teeth) or she won’t be holding my DC.
She’s intitled to smoke herself into early grave but no one else

Pengggwn · 26/07/2018 10:57

Of course it was awkward. I just wouldn't come, like I said. It's one thing asking someone to wash hands between smoking and holding a baby, but quite another to insist they visit in 'clean' clothes.

Excited0803 · 26/07/2018 11:35

Ask her to wash her hands, that's as far as I'd go. You can ask her to put on a clean t-shirt or dress you have that fits but that's something it's better for her own brother to ask. Sounds like you already said something though, so this is just asking for validation. Without knowing exactly what you said nor your tone, it's hard to say if you were being unreasonable but it does sound a bit offensive.

BertieBotts · 26/07/2018 11:44

Honestly, I think it's overkill. I know that heavy, chainsmoker smell is not very nice but as long as she waits 30 mins after smoking to hold the baby, and doesn't smoke in your house or right next to the door/window, you should overlook it as it's such occasional exposure, it's not worth worrying about. Just open the windows while she's there! And change the baby when she's gone if you're really worried about it. I wouldn't visit at her house but I also wouldn't worry about exposure when she visits at your house.

Did the baby actually display asthma symptoms in response to being held by the smoky aunt? That would concern me - but generally I think that the relationship between a child and relative is more important than worrying about a miniscule amount of smoke exposure. If you ever walk with the baby in a pram beside a road, they are also getting CO exposure - and nobody would suggest that you didn't take the baby out for fresh air. Sometimes you have to assess the benefits against the risks.

BertieBotts · 26/07/2018 11:46

TBH if she smokes in her house, all of her clothes will be smoky, so you'd have to present her with clothes of your own, which is so so OTT.

I can understand being anxious around a little baby with asthma but it's regular everyday exposure which is the real issue.

SandyY2K · 26/07/2018 11:59

I would have left it for your DH to tell her.

You telling her will never go down well.

LeighaJ · 26/07/2018 12:12

"AnyFucker

Good luck with that relationship with your SIL going forward..."

^This. Wink

pacempercutiens · 26/07/2018 12:18

My FIL and SIL both don't hold my DD for an hour after smoking, now for them it's habit they don't smoke before seeing her. My DH mentioned it as a 'rule' for while DD was newborn - still going without prompting even though we're approaching 10 months old now. Don't think I'd mind so much now as long as it's not chain smoking and not too regular

NameChangeCuddleBums · 26/07/2018 12:18

Completely reasonable. Prioritising your child’s health over your sister in law is totally right.

Hideandgo · 26/07/2018 12:20

I think it’s rude and overly uptight of you. But as you say...your baby your rules. That doesn’t stop people thinking you’re being a bit of a difficult twat about it though. So if you’re ok with that then work away.

Rollyrollyrollyrolly · 26/07/2018 12:21

They won't diagnose asthma in a baby under one so I'm confused as to why it's suddenly an issue if it hasn't been before now?

AnyFucker · 26/07/2018 12:27

How old is baby ?

Very unusual to get a medical diagnosis of asthma in a child under 2 years