Telling SIL to not smoke before coming over

[CorrsIsMyGuiltyPleasure]

More of a WWYD. SIL is a smoker and myself and my husband aren't. I sent her a friendly message asking her to not smoke before coming over to visit DC. She seemed offended but obliged but my baby my rules right?

Yanbu. It's awkward but it's not a situation of your own making. I don't know why it's still so socially acceptable to have such a foul habit which endangers others. Each to their own- as long as you don't expect others to embrace your right.

My DC is 18 months and was a premmie and my SIL rarely visits (we do get along extremely well) so when she does visit in MY house I would think its appropriate for people to follow rules and for me to not want certain things to be brought inside or around my home. 💁‍♀️

Im a tad comfused as to why you've posted...you seem pretty sure about your choice being right for your family?

Im a tad comfused as to why you've posted...you seem pretty sure about your choice being right for your family?

Validation init?

How long do you expect her not to smoke before hand?

If you aren't close anyway you don't have much to lose by making this request

Your baby your rules. My dm and dsis smoke. I don't allow them to hold/play with my dc after smoking. I do bug them about the stink. I'm very clear that smoking is their choice but they won't expose my dc to it.

I smoked for years before dc so understand how they want/need to smoke. But it's my choice to let them near my dc.

They totally understand and if they think I'm ott they keep it to themselves.

My DC is 18 months and was a premmie and my SIL rarely visits (we do get along extremely well) so when she does visit in MY house I would think its appropriate for people to follow rules and for me to not want certain things to be brought inside or around my home. 💁‍♀️

It is indeed your house. You can ban her from coming unless she changes her clothes. Yes. Doesn't make you reasonable, and I would not be doing it.

We told MIL she couldn’t hold our baby after she had been smoking. She either had to not smoke, or wear one shirt to SIL one in and then change into a clean one. She didn’t like it but she was not given a choice. I know people who go much further and won’t let anyone who has smoked in the last 24 hours hold their baby because you continue to exhale toxins for up to 24 hours after you smoke. Other friends make family members shower, wash their hair and clean their teeth. Your baby, your rules. She doesn’t like them, she doesn’t see the baby. Her choice.

Oh for God's sake. Yes I think YABU.

Good luck askign SIL for a dig-out or favour. And I'm saying that as someone who is very anti-smoking.

I remember my friend visiting someone with baby and was told not to smoke that day and also sent to wash makeup off her face when she arrived.

She never visited again.

OP I'm confused is that medical data that supports the fact that smoke-saturated clothing is particularly harmful? Surely unless the baby sucks on it, it's not that big a deal? I would be more worried by general air toxins from cars, Chimineas etc all the research shows these are definitely harmful to children but see people exposing their children to them every day.

It's also your husband's baby and his sister who's involved presumably.So what does he think?For the record I think you're being ridiculous.

@Dottierichardson and others, third hand smoke is a real thing and very dangerous. Several studies and articles were published about it last year. Here's just one example: www.pbs.org/newshour/health/new-worry-smokers-families-thirdhand-smoke.

A recent study in the journal Tobacco Control found high levels of nicotine on the hands of children of smokers, raising concerns about thirdhand smoke, a name given to the nicotine and chemical residue left behind from cigarette and cigar smoke that can cling to skin, hair, clothes, rugs and walls.

They discovered the average level of nicotine on the children’s hands was more than three times higher than the level of nicotine found on the hands of non-smoking adults who live with smokers. They said nicotine on the skin of a nonsmoker is a good proxy to measure exposure to thirdhand smoke.

@CorrsIsMyGuiltyPleasure I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Dottie, yes. It’s the effects of ‘third hand smoke’ on the people around smokers. There’s lots of evidence about the health risks of exposure to second hand smoke (the smoke breathed out by the smoker and the smoke from the top of the cigarette) and third hand smoke (the smoke residue which settles on clothes, skin, hair, furniture, carpets etc. Here’s just one example of a discussion www.healthline.com/health/thirdhand-smoke#prevention

How ridiculous.

As a society, we've been very used to prioritising the wants of smokers for a long time. The tide has turned now, but old habits die hard, and we (collectively) still don't want to acknowledge just how harmful a practice still legal and still relatively widespread is. So we accuse people concerned about it of being overly uptight or hysterical. I'm sure the same arguments were applied to second-hand smoke when awareness about that was just rising 20-ish years ago.

YANBU, OP. Smokers didn't get to hold my babies, or only on a very occasional basis. That included MIL.

We did this when DS was a newborn, told all our smoker friends that they were welcome to visit as long as they had washed their hands and removed their outer layer of clothing (coat, jumper etc) since their last cigarette. Everyone did as we asked, and most people changed their whole outfit and showered before visiting. Didn't cause us any problems with the friendships. We don't worry about it really now that DS is older. If anyone found it rude they didn't say (and frankly I wouldn't have cared, my child's health is more important than an adults hurt feelings). If anyone didn't want to comply they would have been welcome to decline the invite and I wouldn't have held it against them. If someone had turned up stinking of smoke against our wishes I wouldn't have let them in.

I absolutely agree with not letting smokers near babies, and there’s another reason as well as the exposure to toxic chemicals -
if babies and children are regularly cuddled by family members stinking of fag smoke, they come to associate that stink with love and security. This can increase the risk that they will become smokers themselves when they grow up, as it’s been normalised or made attractive.
As a retired doctor, who’s lost many patients to cigarettes over the years, I hope to live long enough to see our whole country become smoke free.
Anyone trying to defend the habit on here should go and watch a bronchoscopy list, or a copd patient dying on a ventilator, or as I had to, a mum of six young kids die of a smoking induced heart attack.
Surely these relatives of yours can get themselves nicotine patches or switch to vaping, then try to stop altogether? Why would they want to destroy their own health, never mind their effect on your baby, OP?

I take it that nobody with these rules ever takes their baby out in heavy traffic?

YANBU
Isn’t the current advice to not hold a baby on clothes you’ve smoked in? To either remove the outer layer or get changed?

For those wondering it wasnt an issue previously because she rarely comes over but we all text each other. She is busy and rarely has time to visit so we never really bothered asking her not to smoke before visiting her last visit it was prominent that she had just had a smoke before entering the house and quite strongly in fact, we didn't say anything to her until we arranged to meet again. DH used to smoke previously and never realised how bad people who smoke smelt until he has been around them so he didn't mind me letting her know and it hasn't caused a rift between us as some of you have pre assumed.
And yes third hand smoke can be very harmful. I wouldn't want to snuggle up to someone who smells like an ash tray so I shouldn't have to let my child do the same!

I was just wondering what others thought about the situation and letting smokers around children xx.

Nordic that seems like a good idea! We dont know any other smokers but yes if they dont like it they dont have to come no one is forcing them 😊

My thought was she could smoke all she wants but before she comes over to shower and change her clothes. She only visits for an hour so I wouldn't think it was too much to ask? We are seeing her later this week so will see what happens but she seems eager to visit so hope it's not a problem
X.

YABU
The 'my baby my rules' saying is childish. As is the drip feed that your child has asthma (after people disagreed with you)
As you say, she rarely visits, so it's a bit of a non issue.
I imagine your sister in law is feeling humiliated.