Telling SIL to not smoke before coming over

[CorrsIsMyGuiltyPleasure]

More of a WWYD. SIL is a smoker and myself and my husband aren't. I sent her a friendly message asking her to not smoke before coming over to visit DC. She seemed offended but obliged but my baby my rules right?

I'm with you OP. A hospital near me asks staff on their break to change out of their work uniform into their own clothes before leaving the site (not just the buildings - they have to leave the grounds) before they have a cigarette. They then have to walk back to the building and change back into their uniform. It protects patients from secondhand smoke.

It sounds OTT but personally I think the more we treat smoking as an antisocial activity the better.

Yes well if people want to smoke then go ahead I shouldn't and wouldn't allow it in my home. So Im sure people can be more understanding that non smokers wouldn't appreciate having their babies smell like smoke too.
Of course we take her out the world is polluted with toxins which wasnt what I posted about. I'm not going to willingly allow someone to bring the smell of cigarettes into my home.

I agree, but I think it may be difficult to police.

I'm not sure if it's worth getting into an argument with your SIL over. As long as she's not in direct contact with your DC and you're armed with Febreze for when she leaves...

They don't get it OP honestly. They just have no idea how much it smells. I think it's awful to smell smoke on babies or children's clothes but I guarantee that if someone smokes around their child, outside or in, their child will smell of it.

Really hate smoking but yabu. Can't believe you had the nerve. CFery of the highest order.

Yep fiery. Imagine having the nerve to put your child first.

Much like when people are drenched in strong perfume!

It is damaging for children to be around smokers as it stays on their clothes. If I were you I'd probably approach it as sensitively as possible - explain that you're just really paranoid about it and you'd really appreciate it if she changed/showered between smoking and coming over, you know it's a hassle etc etc.

LOL people on here are acting as if we had a big fall out over asking her not to smoke beforehand. Sorry to disappoint you all but no big fight went on and the visit went well AND my baby didn't smell of cigarettes. If she was completely against it she would have gone against my word and smoked beforehand anyway but she didn't.

My exact message to her
If you dont mind can you please try and not smoke before you visit or bring a change of clothes if you would like cuddles with (child). Shes having a hard time breathing properly and I just want to make sure it's not from the smoke smell Thanks so much x.

I can't believe I'm actually going to say this but...... im a smoker AND a mother!

smoking is antisocial because of the reek. Not really bothered if smokers die early, their choice.

she can turd up all she wants as long as you can't smell it. But if she wants to hold the baby, she needs to turn up not stinking.

her choice.

Second /third hand smoke smells awful and although this type of infrequent exposure will not do any harm I wouldn't like it either. But I certainly agree with other posters that your passive aggressive attitude and posting style doesn't smell like roses either. Some people just relish their own righteousness.

TBH I think that report somebody linked is rather alarmist. If they are measuring nicotine levels on children who are already in A&E with breathing difficulties, of course these are children who have had heavy exposure.

It is useful to know the risks of third hand smoke but there's a difference between understanding this information and putting it into sensible use, and becoming completely paranoid and OTT about the slightest hint of it.

Don't smoke around your own kids. Don't allow smoking in your house. Don't choose a regular caregiver who is a smoker - all absolutely reasonable and sensible. But it is precious beyond belief to insist that somebody modify their behaviour when they're not even at your home because your PFB might come into contact with a few smoke particles. Really.

whoops, apologies. Not sure what I said now.

The toxins from traffic may not be what you posted about but they're just as harmful, if not more so than third hand smoke.

The smell of smoke gets in everything. My MIL smokes in the house and every time we visit, we go straight home, strip off, put the clothes in the washing and shower without either of us touching any fabric. If any of them from that house visit us, we febreze every single item of fabric they've touched the instant they leave.

YANBU at all.

You know what, it might sound rude and controlling to ask someone not to smoke before cuddling your child, or to change shirts, brush teeth etc. But how rude, controlling and inconsiderate are smokers who give non-smokers absolutely no choice about whether or not they want to breath in the smoker’s second and third hand smoke. It’s revolting, and it’s not as if we haven’t known for decades how bad cigarettes are for our health. There’s loads of scientific evidence about the hazards of second and third hand smoke for babies and children, you don’t even need to dress it up as ‘my baby was born prematurely’ or ‘my child has asthma’. ALL people, big or small, healthy or unwell are negatively impacted by cigarette smoke. Feel free to smoke, don’t inflict your revolting habit on me or my family. If your SIL is not considerate enough to keep her smoke to herself then absolutely you have the right to keep your child away from her. You’re not being overprotective or treating your child like a precious snowflake or wrapping your child in bubble wrap, you’re being sensible. I live in hope that smoking will be banned and future generations will look back and shame their heads at our stupidity for tolerating it for so long.

YANBU. If SIL doesn’t care enough about your child’s health then she doesn’t get to visit. My MIL smokes and she drenches herself in perfume when she visits. I’m not sure what’s worse!

if I wanted DC to smell like an ash tray I would take her to the pub

They're all non-smoking now, unless you leave her in the beer garden while you have your pint.

YANBU apart from that.

YABU. You have no right whatsoever to dictate what she does when she's not in your house.

I don't want to belittle your feelings on cigarette smoke, but I do wonder if you live in a city? Do you walk down streets filled with exhaust fumes? We cant tell drivers not to drive can we?? Im lucky to come from a no smoking family, but I can't help but feel some things are unavoidable, she isnt in your childs life alot as youve said. Ask yourself this, if you were loading your shopping into the car while your child was sat in the trolley and the car beside had its engine running, would you walk ovet to them and ask them to turn it off?? I'm guessing no. Is that really worse???

I think it’s completely over the top.

I have a close relative who we only see rarely. They smoke like a chimney. They reek.

On the odd occasion they came they held the kids when they were babies and little (one is asthmatic). When they left I just changed babies/toddlers clothes, popped them in the bath, aired the house and sprayed some freshener. Given it was not a regular occurrence I thought relationship with kids was more important than driving them away with controlling behaviour. This would not have been the case if they were a regular visitor though. And you know what, everyone survived no problem.

You can't dictate what she does before she even gets to your house. That's ridiculous.

I am not a smoker and nor is DH. We both grew up with smokers as parents though. We didn't allow any of them to smoke in our house, and never while holding the children as babies, but we didn't try to dictate what they did before even arriving at our house.

We didn't live near to any of them so only saw them a couple of times a year. I would never have chosen to make a big issue out of it.