To wonder if I’m unreasonable in my grief?

[OryxFawning]

My mother passed away suddenly two months ago, no warning, no nothing. She was just gone. It’s tore my family apart.

I’ve been with DP for 7 years. Tragically, his parents had a stillborn DS in their late 20s. They then had my DP’s DB, then my DP two years later. I was first told about DP’s other sibling on the anniversary (a year into us dating) as DP was expected to visit the grave with his parents, this had been going on ever since he was a child. His DB had gotten a tattoo of the deceased child’s birth date. 2 years in i was asked (along with DP’s DB’s partner) to visit the grave) I thought this was something quite personal but went none the less. The issue is I’ve been expected to go every year since then, I refused after the third year stating I just wasn’t comfortable doing this.

We have 2 year old twins who they expected me or DP to bring, I couldn’t do it. I told DP I didn’t find it appropriate. Not because of the idea of children and death (I have a hardcore catholic family, been to a lot of funerals for my relatives!) but because this is his family’s grief, not mine or DC.

Things have kicked off now with the anniversary being upon us as MIL wants us all (me and DC included) to go and “grieve together”. And then go for a meal this evening. I can’t. I simply cannot share my mother’s grief with others as it has literally killed me. It hurts so much. I don’t have the energy for it. I’ve told DP this who has passed it onto PIL, they think I’m being selfish. How the fuck do I deal with this. Are we both unreasonable in our grief?

It is a truly horrible thing to lose a child - beyond devastating - so the grief your PILs feel is understandable. However they don't have a right to expect others to participate in their rituals. It was good of you to go at first but I think it's fine for you to draw a line and not do it any more - as you say it's not your grief and in that circumstance it can feel a bit showy and insincere to participate.

WRT to the upcoming anniversary and the recent death of your mum, from what you say it sounds like they are being incredibly and viciously insensitive. You've had your own horrible blow and it wouldn't take much for them to be sensitive to that and realise you need space. What does your DP think?

Sorry about your mum - it sounds like she was a wonderful person and you're missing her awfully. It is such a hard blow to lose someone who means so much.

Big hugs. You are not being selfish. Your DP needs to tell them to back the heck off. Longterm I suggest you and DP discuss the general situation of what is fair and reasonable as regards the anniversary of his sibling, but not this year.

Gosh. Grief is such a personal thing, but I would be extremely uncomfortable with this too OP. I'm so sorry about your mum. I can feel your pain in the words you write.

This ritual of visiting the grave seems to be something your in laws need to do. Ok, fine. Like I said, grief is very personal. However, there is no reason whatsoever for you to have to join in, especially after your very recent experience of losing your mum. You are not being 'selfish' in the slightest by wanting to protect yourself and grieve in your own way. You are not a child, and you do not have to do what they tell you. I would also find it in appropriate for your tiny children to be dragged into their ritual, although others may disagree.

So stand firm, and take care of yourself. You need to look after yourself right now, and think about your own needs

I think you are right to draw a line and not attend. Your children also do not need to attend. That is parents want to do something on that date is fine, but this is really nothing to do with you or your children.

Sorry for your loss OryxFawning
I don't think they have any right to call you selfish. I lost my dd1 nearly 3years ago. I wouldn't ask any family members to come to the cemetery on her anniversary.
They should be understanding of your recent loss.

Spaghetti, she was my rock! She had this confidence and a huge personality, something that I loved and always wanted. She always made me smile and now...

DP, is more than happy to go along with their rituals. He understand me not going at this time but wants me to make an effort for them “when I can”. What if I can’t? What if I don’t want to? I just don’t have the energy for it.

Park, so sorry for your loss.

Don’t worry about future years now. Take one at a time. This year the answer is «No» and they will just have to accept that.

I’m on your side. I have a similar situation whereby I feel deeply uncomfortable having to emote for a stillborn child born many years before I joined the family.

'What if I can’t? What if I don’t want to? '

Then you don't. That is your choice to make. You do not have to do what they expect of you.

Yanbu and I’m so sorry for your loss

Focus on your own grief for now, don’t let their opinions worry you, and I hope your DP is supporting you through your grief also.

You're right, it is their grief. Yes, to lose a child is terrible but you can't be expected to grieve for it...?

I actually think the whole getting together for a family meal on the anniversary quite macabre, but that's just my opinion.

Very sorry you lost your Mum. You've got your own grief to deal with right now. And I think them calling you selfish is incredibly rude and insensitive. So you're supposed to grieve for them, but they can't or won't support you in a much more recent loss? Your DP should be standing up for you here.

they don't have a right to expect others to participate in their rituals

I agree with this. How they choose to commemorate their stillborn son is entirely personal to their family, but to expect their DILs and grandchildren to visit the grave and grieve for a baby who died before they were born seems inappropriate to me.

To be honest, I find it a bit strange how their adult sons have been made to participate in their grief since childhood (the tattoo, etc). I think there’s a difference between keeping your lost baby’s name alive in your family and expecting your sons to share your grief when, realistically, they don’t feel the loss of this baby like their parents do.

I'm so very sorry you've lost your mum. Nothing has ever hurt me more, not even the stillborn son I had 41 years ago. I think if anyone's being selfish - and self indulgent - it's your pil. To expect you to go to the grave of a stillborn child and feign grief when you're in agony having just lost your mum is appalling. I'd draw a line with this now and refuse to ever go again, it's not your loss or your children's.

Good heavens, they think you're being selfish? They are forcing their grief onto everybody else.

Your DH never knew his older sibling, yet he is being made to grieve for them as though it was a close and personal thing. You can feel compassion and empathy, but you can't grieve for something that has never affected you personally. They are being bonkers to insist that everyone grieves along with them so ritualistically.

I think there is something about 'Dia de Los Muertos—Day of the Dead' which allows EVERYONE to grieve for the death of AND celebrate the life of their loved ones who have died.

Tell your DP he needs to make an effort for you! In future years I might suggest a compromise, eg that you will send a card/flowers to them instead of attending, but you absolutely should not have to attend just because they want you to. I would also think of the long long term, in that if you say now that your kids won't always go, it saves your kids from having to rebel over this when they are teenagers and the inlaws are still expecting them to go. But that is for the future. For now you tell your DP that you are barely holding it together and you will not be attending the anniversary, and if he can't support you in that, then what does that say about him?

As you never knew who they are remembering I think it's bloody weird they invited you tbh.
Dragging your dc along is just odd.
Tell your dh you respect his grieving process but it certainly doesn't involve you or your dc.
I have also lost dc but not a soul except dh knew about the last one, its private imo.

Nor should you. The loss of their baby is something that has obviously affected them deeply, and they have every right to do whatever they want regarding their grief. They have NO right to ask the same of anyone else. This is a lost baby who you (or indeed your DP) never knew.
You have every right to decline their request, and explain that, whilst you appreciate their need to grieve in that way, and you have no wish to belittle their practice, but you're not comfortable with joining in.

Grief is intensely personal. People handle it in different ways.
I think it is odd expecting both lads to join the in-laws in marking the loss of a child born before they were but each to their own. It is their family's choice.
As to sharing your grief? Well that is yours and yours alone. one size does not fit all.
Selfish? Thanks for the support guys!
In your position, you should thank them for their input into your behaviour and decline politely.

Couldn’t have put it better myself, Haworthia.

OP, I understand how you're feeling. My own lovely, lovely mum has recently died and it's been devastating. When I rang one relative to tell me, they started talking about someone else they knew (but that I didn't) who had just died. I literally thought 'WTF? I have no room in me for anyone else's loss now, and certainly not one that has zero personal meaning for me, awful as it is for that other family'. It was all I could do to get off the phone politely.

I think it's reasonable to say to your DP that you expect him to protect you in this. That doesn't mean he has to agree or not go himself, but he should say to his parents tilt it's your decision, he respects it and he doesn't want any more discussion or criticism of it.

Having said that, I might let him take the twins to the meal (if it were feasible to do that but for them to skip the cemetery) as at their age it will just be a family meal to participate in. I assume he will step up and manage them, not expect you to come to help wrangle them?

politely decline.

You are selfish because you don't want to go?

That wouldn't be the case even if you hadn't only just lost your mother.

Your OH doesn't sound very supportive about it if he is already trying to persuade you to go at some point.

It should be perfectly acceptable for you or your children never to go.

That they asked is odd to me tbh-maybe they see it as accepting/including you into the family?

Therefore it's an honour & they cannot comprehend at all how/why you would decline?

Have your OH or his brother ever thought about not going?

Do they not think it's maybe an unusual thing for the still to be doing?

YANBU. My wonderful mum died 7 years ago and like you I was completely devastated. 3 months after she died an elderly uncle died so I went to his funeral but literally fell apart. He was very well known so the small crematorium (same as the one where we had mum’s funeral) was packed and I couldn’t get out but was standing and had to try and control my shaking and sobbing. I loved my uncle and was sad he’d died but this was clearly a reaction to my own mum’s death. It was horrible and I wish I’d never gone as everyone was looking at me.

Your grief is still very raw and it’s likely not overwhelm you in this type of situation. Perhaps point that out to your DH and PIL and say that it’s too soon for you to take part in their ritual. Just leave it open for future years and if you still feel it’s too much (as it’ll be close to the anniversary of your mum’s death) then they should respect your feelings.

Big hugs OP. I know what you’re going through xxx

Your DP needs to handle this - he needs to support you at the moment when you're struggling so much. He needs to tell them you're not going and then keep them away from you and not report any nasty things they say. You just don't need it at the moment.

They're his family, he has to stop them from hurting you.