To wonder if I’m unreasonable in my grief?

[OryxFawning]

My mother passed away suddenly two months ago, no warning, no nothing. She was just gone. It’s tore my family apart.

I’ve been with DP for 7 years. Tragically, his parents had a stillborn DS in their late 20s. They then had my DP’s DB, then my DP two years later. I was first told about DP’s other sibling on the anniversary (a year into us dating) as DP was expected to visit the grave with his parents, this had been going on ever since he was a child. His DB had gotten a tattoo of the deceased child’s birth date. 2 years in i was asked (along with DP’s DB’s partner) to visit the grave) I thought this was something quite personal but went none the less. The issue is I’ve been expected to go every year since then, I refused after the third year stating I just wasn’t comfortable doing this.

We have 2 year old twins who they expected me or DP to bring, I couldn’t do it. I told DP I didn’t find it appropriate. Not because of the idea of children and death (I have a hardcore catholic family, been to a lot of funerals for my relatives!) but because this is his family’s grief, not mine or DC.

Things have kicked off now with the anniversary being upon us as MIL wants us all (me and DC included) to go and “grieve together”. And then go for a meal this evening. I can’t. I simply cannot share my mother’s grief with others as it has literally killed me. It hurts so much. I don’t have the energy for it. I’ve told DP this who has passed it onto PIL, they think I’m being selfish. How the fuck do I deal with this. Are we both unreasonable in our grief?

'this sounds like an extremely unhealthy mourning ritual, and probably an unhealthy family dynamic'

Admirable understatement there! As another poster upthread said, they need to see a therapist. They sound completely stuck and completely self-centred, but with no self awareness or ability to reflect on their behaviour. And in your DP's defence, being raised by people like this seriously messes with your sense of self, and your ability to set healthy boundaries for yourself and your own family. That said, enough. He needs to be standing up for you at such a vulnerable time for you

Oh OryxFawning seriously your Inlaws sound bonkers.

When my dd1 died I was 7mths pregnant with dd2. I do take dd to the cemetery;we talk about her and have photos around the house.
BUT there is no way dd will grow up having to go to the cemetery.

Wow - I'm so sorry that your IL's are behaving this way. They are so insensitive to your recent loss and it sounds as though their grief has to take precedence over everyone.

I would tell DH that you will not be attending the meal as you cannot face it because of their insensitivity to your own grief.

“They just want the attention that they have been used to getting all these years and sod anyone else!”

What a horrible thing to say. I think they’d prefer their child had lived to all the attention in the world.

And as for the OP’s OH - it was still a sibling he should have spend his life with. Surely it’s not strange that he and his DB grieve that relationship.

Without being insensitive - they're trying to force you to grieve for someone you never knew. Added to this it is a particularly horrendous time for you - are they showing similar "amounts" of grief for the loss of your mother than they expect you should be showing?

Your DH needs to make it clear to his parents that they are the ones being utterly selfish. It really sounds as if in some way they want to hijack your mother's death to make it part of their grieving rituals. The fact that they want your twins there because they perceive that one of them looks like the stillborn child is, frankly, creepy: do they not value their grandchildren for themselves rather than who they look like?

TBH it does sound competitive. I can imagine they have a complicated grieving process, Stillbirths weren't always handled well years ago, so I wonder if they had any professional support at all??

I can understand that they will always be bereaved parents and that this is a part of their identity, but it is not part of your DP's identity or that of his DB. A part of their family story yes, but not who they are, and so it would be reasonable to end their participation in the ceremony. Continuing to go along with their wishes doesn't, unfortunately, deal with the issue of their unresolved grief. If in-laws struggle with this, then some grief counselling might be helpful, even after all this time.

You, on the other hand, my love, are actively grieving and need support. DP needs to do the right thing here.

DP wanted to let me know why he’s taking so long, he rang to say he is on the way home and explained things to me.

PIL think that I’m somehow trying to make this anniversary all about my mother. DP told them I most certainly was not, my mother is recently deceased. That I am behaving perfectly normal. This is when MIL started comparing me to DP DB’s fiancée, she stopped going to the graveyard after the first visit.

This was an insult as In PIL’s eyes they think of this as a thing only close family do, so it is of great importance. DP said I understood this but still shouldn’t be expected to go at all times, he brought up a time when he couldn’t get out of work early for the anniversary and his father wouldn’t speak to him. Some things just don’t happen the way we want them to. MIL them said that the DC won’t remember their ‘Uncle’, DP said it’s the same as him not ‘knowing’ his sibling. He was taken to the graveyard for as long as he could remember, it wasn’t a choice. He wasn’t born then so it doesn’t make it his, mine or the DC’s grief.

At that point he said he had to leave as MIL was crying and asking why he was acting like this. Not sure how things will go now.

So sorry they're treating you like this. It's completely uncalled for. for you.

I've seen other threads on here about bereaved parents wanting unreasonable things (there was one ages ago where the poster was upset her friends didn't want to go to an anniversary dinner), and quite often there's are a lot of "but going through losing a child is the worst thing that can happen so you should support them" posts. It's meant for the best of reasons but it means people can get stuck with their grieving.

It's reasonable to want to support beveared parents at first, but it's unreasonable of them to expect the support is going to go on forever, or not give other people space to grieve.

My sibling died when I was in my teens. I understood it was terrible for my parents, but months and years went by and my mother was still stuck in a "competitive grieving/chief mourner" mode which made my home life hellish; she'd completely kick off if I or my other siblings didn't want to go along with her ideas or she felt something had compromised her grieving rituals, and do stuff like leaving paperwork relating to my sibling's death lying around the house for us to find.

It's not easy cutting off their supply of support, but it's ultimately damaging for others around them to be stuck with grieving to their timetable for an indefinite period of time afterwards.

As someone who lost my beloved Mum suddenly just over a year ago, I think that it’s not just that you are allowed to protect yourself emotionally by not going to this pantomime, but that you absolutely should. You have no other choice; in the early days as you are, you have to avoid things like this just so you can stand upright and continue to function.

I had to attend my friend’s wedding a month after my Mum died and that was hard enough.

Your PIL are of course welcome to grieve in any way that helps them- that is, until it harms you.

Good luck with it. I have similar mental PIL, and I felt so bitter that they were alive and my lovely mum was dead that it made their craziness even harder to handle.

Grief counselling helped me enormously- do consider this if you feel able to.

It DOES get better

What utter bloody thoughtless arses....appalling a. fuck thoughtless behavior...

They're expecting you to 'grieve' a stillborn child, you never met from, what 25/30 YEARS ago and tie your own twin kids up in their unhealthy grieving rituals... And can't see this is inappropriate....

Especially as YOUR OWN MUM DIED only 56 days ago......??

Please don't make excuses for these horrible people. Stillbirths weren't handled well in the past but most of us have managed to come to terms with it and move on. No way after all this time (41 years in my case) would normal people go through this ridiculous charade and try to involve other people in it. Particularly people who have been fortunate enough to have more children subsequently. Their obsession with their stillborn child after all this time is very unhealthy.

PS I know it sounds trite, but it will improve.... My mum died suddenly 8 and a half years ago... I smile when I think about her most days... The sadness is still there and always will be. It's much easier though x

oryx your PIL are a bit over the top I think.

I’m 63 now, and an only child. When I was about 10, my mum told me that I’d had a sister who’d died aged 6 months, 9 years before I was born. She was mentioned occasionally, and sometimes when I was looking through old photos and thought it was one of me, my mum would say “no, it’s Susan”. No fuss, nothing. Years later, after my mum died when I was 30 (still miss her now) I found Susan’s birth certificate and realised that my ES expected delivery date (although he was born 2 weeks early) was Susan’s birthday. My mum never said a word.

Grieve in your own way, don’t expect other people to join in.
for you

DP said it’s the same as him not ‘knowing’ his sibling. He was taken to the graveyard for as long as he could remember, it wasn’t a choice. He wasn’t born then so it doesn’t make it his, mine or the DC’s grief.

I think your DP saying this has been long overdue and I hope he feel's better for this, I know its been an awful day for him but hopefully once things have calmed down a bit you can all move forward without feeling this 'obligation' hanging over you every year.

for you its been a tough year.

They are way out of order and I say this as someone whose younger sibling died as a baby. There is no way my family would put their grief over that onto DH, DS or anyone else.

You have enough to deal with. Your mum dying out of the blue means you're not only dealing with grief but shock as well. I've been in this situation (though not with my mum) and it's fucking hard and it's fucking shit. They sound absolutely insane.

DH's brother died as an adult and we go to the grave every year with his dad because even though I didn't know him I know his wife and child. However if I wasn't around or didn't want to go because my mum had just fucking died, they would only show kindness towards me. It makes me really sad to hear that you are being treated like this at such an awful time for you.

Sorry about your mum

Your PiLs have got stuck in a very unhealthy dynamic that others have been going along with. Maybe long term this will help them to move on to a healthier way of dealing with their loss?

"DP said it’s the same as him not ‘knowing’ his sibling. He was taken to the graveyard for as long as he could remember, it wasn’t a choice. He wasn’t born then so it doesn’t make it his, mine or the DC’s grief."

About time that it was said.

However, it's a shame it had to be all enmeshed with an argument about Op rather than him just not going in the past & breaking the cycle.

MIL them said that the DC won’t remember their ‘Uncle’

Oh my goodness. They aren't grieving for their child, they are trying keep him alive! Visiting the grave every year, making a big ritual of it, drilling it into the brother's minds that they have a sibling, wanting their grandchildren to 'remember' their uncle - if you look at the cycle of grief, they are stuck in 'denial' and 'anger'.

I think that it also doesn't help them that their son's have gone along with it for so long.

I’m sorry but I think that your partners parents are very controlling of him and they are trying to do the same to you and your children.

How they grieve is up to them. But their manipulative attempts to turn this into a whole family event which is all about them is simply odd and obsessive. No one goes out for a meal to celebrate their child’s death.

I know many many bereaved parents as I was part of a support group. No one does this kind of thing 30 years later, really they don’t.

Until relatively recently, still births, neonatal deaths and late miscarriages were very common and most families will have lost their own child or a niece / nephew in this way. And yet I know no one who acts like this.

I say all this as someone who has lost two children. I don’t mean babies - I mean teenagers. Those we cared for and loved for more than a decade.

The more recent death was 12 years ago and We don’t expect their younger siblings to commemorate them in this way. We ( their father and I ) remember them in our own ways but it’s private.

I agree with the poster who says it’s attention seeking. If it WAS about grief then they would understand and be supportive of the OP, who has been bereaved just a matter of days ago. But instead it’s all about them - their role as the people who have experienced the greatest tragedy has been usurped.

OP - you have a big issue to address with your partner. Yes you have a issue with them but ultimately it’s him who is the problem and not his parents.

He needs to stop putting pressure on you to attend and he needs to say that your children won’t be part of this.

I may have missed it, (busy day)... but do PILs and DP ever visit your mum's grave or acknowledge the day (if cremated and scattered) in another way?

Grief is shit. I know this. Very sadly. But I will not be told what to do WRT to others' grief, maybe the first year or so, but no more. My grief is MINE, and I would never expect anyone to share it in a ritual visit after perhaps the first anniversary. Even if they did not attend on the first anniversary/Birthday/Christmas, I would not mind. I like to cry in private.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum.

You need to be kind to yourself here and try to shut out the competitive self-indulgence of these people. Their loss was terrible, no doubt about that. However, so is yours, and very recent too.

They should not be trying to force you to join in grieving for a baby you didn't know and weren't related to as if it was a social event, some 25 years on from the actual event.

After the way they spoke to you today, I don't think you should go to their meal. They won't acknowledge your loss much there either. It will be all about them and nothing else will be allowed to intrude on that.

for you.

Firstly Op I am very very sorry for your loss.
I know everyone grieves differently but your PILs behaviour borders on the obsessive & ghoulish. My family lost a child/sibling and it is terrible, of course it is and it affects the family forever, but forcing family members and their partners on an annual pilgrimage to the grave is not healthy. Added to the fact that it's still so soon after your own loss and yet their wants trumps yours is crass and insensitive beyond belief. I think you did so well to stand up to them and I wish I had been there with you because I would have told them where to go - they should not be bullying you like this and your DP needs to find his balls and stick up for you and nurture you at this time. If he cannot do this now, when you need him most, he is failing you bigtime. I wish I could take away all the pain you are feeling, all I can say is that 18 months after losing my lovely Mum I am mostly ok, but still get days when it all hits me, like hearing a song she liked on the radio, daft things like that, but I had a few months to prepare, so I think it must be harder for you that there was no warning. I know it sounds a bit twee, but I do take comfort in knowing that I was lucky to had a good Mum, when it seems so many others do not, and I try to think of all the lovely times & laughs we had together, but I appreciate it is too early for you to think like that at the moment, your grief will still be so raw. Please look after yourself, be selfish if you need to be, your wellbeing and selfcare is the most important thing now. . Gosh sorry that was so long