To wonder if I’m unreasonable in my grief?

[OryxFawning]

My mother passed away suddenly two months ago, no warning, no nothing. She was just gone. It’s tore my family apart.

I’ve been with DP for 7 years. Tragically, his parents had a stillborn DS in their late 20s. They then had my DP’s DB, then my DP two years later. I was first told about DP’s other sibling on the anniversary (a year into us dating) as DP was expected to visit the grave with his parents, this had been going on ever since he was a child. His DB had gotten a tattoo of the deceased child’s birth date. 2 years in i was asked (along with DP’s DB’s partner) to visit the grave) I thought this was something quite personal but went none the less. The issue is I’ve been expected to go every year since then, I refused after the third year stating I just wasn’t comfortable doing this.

We have 2 year old twins who they expected me or DP to bring, I couldn’t do it. I told DP I didn’t find it appropriate. Not because of the idea of children and death (I have a hardcore catholic family, been to a lot of funerals for my relatives!) but because this is his family’s grief, not mine or DC.

Things have kicked off now with the anniversary being upon us as MIL wants us all (me and DC included) to go and “grieve together”. And then go for a meal this evening. I can’t. I simply cannot share my mother’s grief with others as it has literally killed me. It hurts so much. I don’t have the energy for it. I’ve told DP this who has passed it onto PIL, they think I’m being selfish. How the fuck do I deal with this. Are we both unreasonable in our grief?

Let her fucking cry. It’s just because she’s not got her own way.

Selfish. Very selfish. You must grieve with them and in their way. Controlling, no?

It is horrific, beyond so to think of losing a child. There is no grief topping another yet they seem to believe theirs does.

I am sorry for the loss of your mother

I'm so sorry they are being so selfish and horrible to you. Don't go to the meal (unless for some reason you actually want to) - it is totally OK to look after yourself right now. Yes they are grieving, but their decades-old grief does not trump your recent grief. Hugs

Goodness Oryx, what a dreadful update. I hope that you feel supported by all of us on here confirming that this is not you. Your PILs are stuck with their grief and it sounds as if they have visited this in an increasingly unhealthy way on the rest of their family. To behave towards you as they have done demonstrates a dreadful level of insensitivity and such a lack of care. Maybe this will be a turning point for your husband?

Maybe this will be a turning point for your husband? this could be the outcome - a crisis that brings change. Things cannot go on as they are, it's horribly unhealthy for all of them.

I’m so, so sorry. I can’t imagine how unbelievably difficult this is for you.

I am glad your dh is on side. Although sides shouldn’t be necessary

EmmaPeel, what a lovely, sensitive post, acknowledging those who have lost their lovely mums but also those who didn’t have mothers who cared from them in that way. They’re so often forgotten, and they grieve too for what they never had.

Op. So sorry for your loss. I agree with everyone who thinks you should put yourself first. I feel sorry for your DH too. It’s like he has had to make up for his parents’ loss for all these years. Of course they should be able to grieve in their own way. But what is not acceptable is to railroad everyone else into acting as they do. It’s not even authentic because the people around them cannot possibly feel the same way as they do.

I think they're behaving really badly and I am so sorry about your mum.

When I first read this thread, I sort of understood why they want this to be a family experience. Sort of. I really don't understand why they are forcing it on you but I think I see where it comes from. Part of the sadness that I experience in relation to my stillborn son is that he has never been part of a family. He will never know his sister or his father, he will never get in the car with us, he never saw his home, there's nothing here that is his apart from a few things in a memory box. That's hard. But it can't be fixed. He's dead. I can't give him those things. Life is for the living. I would never force my grief on anyone else the way they are with you.

Your post was beautiful, Emma. Made me tear up! The support and lovely messages I’ve had on here has really helped me.

DP has tried to explain to me how he feels/felt in terms of their grieving. With him and his brother they felt they were being there for their parents in a time of mourning those things he admits he’s ‘woke up’ a bit more in terms of what is and isn’t normal i.e his brother getting a tattoo of the birth date and such. He realizes that isn’t normal but at the same time he feels like he must be there for his parents as that’s how it’s always been.

He has decided not to go to the dinner. He has told his parents and revived a lengthy text from FIL saying how disappointed they are that he would do this and that his mother is devastated he’s abandon them.

What about your grief OP?

My mother died very suddenly. If my in laws had tried to force me to go out and do this I probably would have lost it. I generally don't have any problem with this ki D of thing (traditional in my family to mourn together for everyone) but not two months after my other died. I really wasn't over her death at that point (despite not being that close to her). It was the shock that really got to me. It shows a complete lack of consideration. They are mourning a child decades later, you would expect them to understand after what they have been through that people don't just get over grief over night.

You can empathize with them and understand their need to grieve but they cannot expect you to do the same especially at the expense of your own emotions after losing your Mum .

Makes me cry even thinking about it but nearly 3yrs ago I lost my amazing sister. It was sudden, unexpected and she was only in her 30s.
We had so many plans. She’d never met my ds. She never got to meet my youngest either, since he’s been born since.

Found out I was expecting my ds2 shortly after her funeral and people said ‘it’s a gift from your sis’ and I HATED that. It was a reminder that I no longer have her. Occasionally someone will mention her or I’ll hear a song and my eyes burn. I’ve not dealt with losing her at all. I don’t want anyone to grieve ‘with’ me, I don’t want to share the emotions with anyone.

I think the point of me saying all this is that you are so so right and justified in how you’re feeling. You and only you get to decide how you cope with grieving your amazing mum - and I am so sorry for your loss.

Your ohs ‘family grief’ has nothing to do with you or your kids and I think your stance on it from the early stages of your relationship was a very healthy one. I’m just sorry all this is hitting the fan when it’s such an emotionally fraught time for you.

Take all the space you need from them, don’t take calls or read their messages. They’re behaving in such a selfish way that it is vital you focus on you and your family right now

I had a brother who died before I was born (he was 2 hours old when he passed) and although we know about him my parents have not forced any grieving on to us. I think your IL have the right to grieve in anyway they choose, but I think forcing it on everyone else is unfair.
YNBU, look after yourself and sorry for your loss.

Your PIL are being U.

Not just to you, but seemingly to anyone else in their family orbit.

I feel compassion for their loss, but this annual circus they've created is not healthy for anyone - especially their living children. It sounds like they have a bigger emotional investment in the child they lost than the ones they still have.

There's no way I'd be involved in enabling another generation (your children) of getting bullied into this.

Being bereaved isn't a free pass for being an asshole - especially so to someone else suffering so recent a loss.

I'm so sorry about your Mum and you are right to insist on the privacy you need at this time.

How your PIL choose to grieve is a personal choice, but not one they should be able to inflict on others and personally I think you and your DH should take a firm stance on indulging them further, especially wrt your children and yourself at such a difficult time.

" With him and his brother they felt they were being there for their parents "

But they were kids-they were just doing as they were told.

OP, you are not being unreasonable at all. I've been in similar shoes, compelled to attend "grief events" at the behest of one of my parents after the traumatic loss of my sister. It's a truly fucking awful thing to do to someone.

I found the courageous in the end to say I really couldn't manage it and found it too upsetting, which triggered a very public tirade and tantrum from my parent, and bein told that it want all about me for once. Ouch. Very ouch.

The same parent behaved abominably when my daughter died in childhood, doing a full on grief hijack. I think they were just pretty messed up about how to process their grief. I can forgive up to a point, but there's was a lot of inexcusable behaviour that still smarts some ten years on.

I digress. You're not obliged to join their grief rituals, nor are your children, and you do rights to protect yourself and them from the emotional consequences of compelled attendance.

These things, in my experience, are not just a moment in time, and can have enormous repurcussions at the best of times. In th epresent circs, it is very wrong of them to expect you to go and refuse to accept that's you choose not to.

As for trying to guilt you into it, I've been there, and caved to it, and it did nothing by harm to me. Failed to appease my parent because they knew damn well i didn't wants to be there and I could not behave in the way they wanted me to, whichever was basically as prop to their theatre of grief.

They've no right, at all. Your dh might try asking them why they are setting out to actively cause you hurt and emotional damage by insisting and manipulating you.

At best they are thoughtless and willfully ignoring you. At worst they are intentionally harming you.

YANBU. I lost my mum suddenly in an accident almost two years ago, she was only 69. There are a couple of things I've not done since then that I think wider family might have expected me to, but I don't give a stuff. We all respond differently to grief and my mental health comes first. Your PIl's are emotionally manipulative. Don't engage, don't respond. And look after yourself, it's been the worst time of my life

'He has told his parents and revived a lengthy text from FIL saying how disappointed they are that he would do this and that his mother is devastated he’s abandon them.'

Good for him for asserting himself. I'm sure that was scary for him. Your ILs are grieving but they also sound selfish, narcissistic and engulfing. They don't seem to see their two adult sons as separate people from them. The most important thing to them is The Family, and everyone in The Family exist only to fulfill your ILs needs. My parents are similar and I think I recognise the pattern here

Well done to you and your DP for how you handled today. You stood up for yourselves and your little twins. You should not have had to deal with any of this in your vulnerable state

Good for your DH. I think it is time to take a clear stand on this. Hopefully when it settles, a more healthy dynamic can resume.

My DM's first baby died at a few hours old (condition incompatible with life). I think they used to put flowers on his grave once a year but felt it was important to approach it from a 'life/nature sometimes doesn't work out' way rather than expecting everyone to share their private grief.

How strange that they hold on to their historical grief but think it's selfish of you not to participate in the annual pilgrimage when you are actively grieving.
Have they been supportive during these awful times?
I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Most be so hard.

You are not being unreasonable at all. I wouldn’t go either

Dh has a younger brother who was killed when they were kids and whilst mil and pil visit his grave they have never asked us to and I’ve only been once many years ago when dh wanted to stop by and ‘introduce me’ which was nice.

It’s their grief (and truly awful for them) but not yours and you shouldn’t have to go along with any of it.

I’m so sorry about your Mum.

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this drama at such a difficult time in your life grieving the loss of your dear mother.

The guilting your PIL are laying on yourself and your DH is absolutely inexcusable. Everybody deals with grief in their own way and your PIL cannot expect others to grieve as they want/deem appropriate. Most especially as their grief is their own - not your DHs and most certainly not yours.

Their rituals indeed seem over the top but if it brings them comfort then that is their choice. What is NOT their choice is how others around them should grieve.

The extent of their double standards when it comes to grief is alarming - can they really not see this???

Wishing you strength and love in your time of grief OP