To wonder if I’m unreasonable in my grief?

[OryxFawning]

My mother passed away suddenly two months ago, no warning, no nothing. She was just gone. It’s tore my family apart.

I’ve been with DP for 7 years. Tragically, his parents had a stillborn DS in their late 20s. They then had my DP’s DB, then my DP two years later. I was first told about DP’s other sibling on the anniversary (a year into us dating) as DP was expected to visit the grave with his parents, this had been going on ever since he was a child. His DB had gotten a tattoo of the deceased child’s birth date. 2 years in i was asked (along with DP’s DB’s partner) to visit the grave) I thought this was something quite personal but went none the less. The issue is I’ve been expected to go every year since then, I refused after the third year stating I just wasn’t comfortable doing this.

We have 2 year old twins who they expected me or DP to bring, I couldn’t do it. I told DP I didn’t find it appropriate. Not because of the idea of children and death (I have a hardcore catholic family, been to a lot of funerals for my relatives!) but because this is his family’s grief, not mine or DC.

Things have kicked off now with the anniversary being upon us as MIL wants us all (me and DC included) to go and “grieve together”. And then go for a meal this evening. I can’t. I simply cannot share my mother’s grief with others as it has literally killed me. It hurts so much. I don’t have the energy for it. I’ve told DP this who has passed it onto PIL, they think I’m being selfish. How the fuck do I deal with this. Are we both unreasonable in our grief?

And I forgot to say-has your OH thought about not going because you need him at home?

YA so NBU. Your ILs are the selfish ones x

So sorry for your loss x

Complete support for you OP from all of us it seems. Your DP really needs to step up to the plate a bit in terms of protecting and supporting you.
I'm not sure how you get him to do this - he's evidently enmeshed with the loss of the sibling he never knew but unable to empathise with the magnitude of your loss. He really needs to try to understand how you are feeling and to ensure that his family are sensitive to your needs. It's only been 8 weeks fgs!

And much sympathy to you.

My mum died on New Years Day after a very short illness and like you am devastated by the loss. I find it almost impossible to cope with other peoples grief at the moment. The curse of fucking empathy!

Just don't. Smile, say you're sorry but you are unable to deal with it and are sorry if that makes you sound selfish but that you would appreciate some space to grieve for your mum on your own whilst they are grieving for their lost child.

This year, you are not up to it.

DH can go, with or without DC as he sees fit.

Don't even attempt to decide about future years now.

In due course, it might help if you saw this simply as a significant gathering for DH's family, which you are invited to share as an observer. There really is no limit to duration of grief (some families simply never really recover), and supporting the bereaved, even when you did not know the deceased personally, is a good and kind thing to do now.

Right now, you are newly bereaved, and your DH shouid be doing the good and kind thing by shielding you from the things - this included - which you are not up to dealing with right now.

You’re not being in the least bit selfish. This is going to sound a bit ruthless, but they need therapy, they are stuck and can’t see it. And your DP might need some help to get free of their madness. I’m truly sorry for the loss of your mum, it sounds like she was wonderful. ‘Talk’ to her in your mind, you have internalised her and you have your own strength and wisdom. I’m so sorry you’re being pressured like this at this time. Do whatever you need to do to find your strength and your boundaries.

I am so sorry for your loss of your mum, it’s a hard path to travel.

My mum died in an accident on holiday 3 years ago and I am still dealing with my pain and loss. I am much better than I was but it took me a good 2 years before I could function and laugh naturally without making myself as others were laughing. It is by far the worst pain I have ever known and I have already lost my dad, stepfather and had 3 miscarriages....

I am sorry for the pain they went through but it was a long time ago and they really should be showing some empathy, care and understanding towards you right now as your pain is raw whereas theirs will have mellowed. Not to say that theirs is any less as grief is not competitive but it’s not the raw immediate pain.

My dh’s Mum died the year before I met him and whilst we all acknowledge her anniversary it is only him, his dad and his brothers that visit the grave. They would not expect us and all dc to be there. His family have all been incredibly supportive to me over the last few years abbé because they understand the pain but also because it’s new grief.

I hope that all makes sense and I wish you

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum.

Stillbirth is a very personal thing but I agree their reaction is unusual. And their lack of acknowledgement of your own loss shows a real lack of empathy.

One of my siblings was stillborn (and I was old enough to remember it). My parents go to the cemetery when they want to (often around the anniversary and Christmas) but would never mandate anyone else go. The furthest we go is to text my mum on the anniversary. I can't imagine a family meal on the day. I would find it very strange if my DP and I were required to take part in a memorial like that - and that's for a baby whose loss I was old enough to feel.

Oryx I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm also sorry for your in laws loss and I appreciate that they still grieve for their child but you're grieving too. Two months is such a tiny amount of time so I imagine your pain is red raw, you need time and space (probably wine and hugs too) to process your own grief and if your inlaws cannot understand this its probably best if you have as little contact with them for a while as you can get away with. My dad dropped dead last year and I'm still in shock 9 months later, I don't think there's a timescale for grief and your inlaws are quite thoughtless x

I agree. This grief is theirs, not yours, and not even your DP's, and most certainly not your children's. I think it's fair enough if your DP and his bro want to attend, as a gesture of support to their parents, but for anyone else to be expected to join is inappropriate. Would they come to your mother's grave every year, if you asked them to? I doubt it. Huge hugs for you, OP. Do whatever you need to do. Your grief for your mum is real and fresh, and your DP and his family should respect that.

Thank you for the kind words, everyone. Mum and me had our ups and downs but she was my mother. I only get one and she’s gone far too soon.

I had PIL at about 1:15pm to ‘collect’ us. DP (to his credit) DID stand up and tell them that myself and DC weren’t going. MIL stated that DC should go with them as they are not grieving like I am....fair enough, but DC have no idea WHY they’re being taken to a graveyard. I pointed this out and MIL has said that it’s a ‘family’ thing and that one of our twins reminds her of her DC. I was too tired to deal with it so I told her DC and I would not be going to graveyard but they could attend the meal as a compromise (I had stated before I wasn’t up for either. Today is particularly hard.).

She said how DC and I MUST go and how I can share my grief and gain support from them. I told her that while I appreciate the gesture I don’t grieve in front of others, I can’t. The only exception has been at the funeral where I was too foggy to even give a shit, I was concentrating on my mum being carried away forever.

At this point FIL decided to pipe up and say that there really is no harm in bringing DC to graveyard even if I didn’t go. DP told him that having DC with me as a distraction at home could help my mental state, he was deflecting the real issue here I know.

This argument went back and forth for almost 15 minutes with no other real points being made. It was going absolutely no where. I eventually told them I’d attempt to make the dinner but that was all I could manage. MIL looked me dead in the eyes before telling me how much I’d disappointed her, FIL had a similar crestfallen expression before walking out without MIL.

DP had vowed to talk to them before following them out. I napped with the DC after that but considering DP had texted me at 3:00 saying he’s had to calm PIL I don’t suppose it’s going well.

They're a bunch of bastards. I'd really like five minutes in a room alone with your MiL, she'd be begging your forgiveness when I'd finished with her. So sorry, love, you really don't need this. 💐

Thank you, Blue. I swear I’m not heartless. I don’t lack empathy and I understand how grief can make you slightly crazy but right now I just need to think of anything else other than death and loss.

I find their insistence very odd and it’s really inappropriate considering your circumstances.

It’s fair enough they still mourn the loss of their child and want to celebrate (?) amongst family, but for this particular thing you aren’t family. It must have been 20 years after the baby was born that you came on the scene.

I’m so sorry about your mum, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I’d be in pieces if it was me. And then to tag on that you should grieve for a child whose birth and death presumably happened before you were born doesn’t bear thinking about.

that's horrific. I am so sorry.

Do not, do not feel guilty. No kind person would argue with someone so recently believed.

It will be tough, but perhaps the time has come for your DP to step away from the rituals too.

Oryx love, they're bonkers. Okay they've been made bonkers by grief but still they need standing up to. Please stay strong, and talk it through properly with your DP too, because he needs to realise how very unreasonable they're being.

Keep posting if you like and people will keep supporting you - I know I will because I'm feeling this one very strongly. They cannot drag your twins into an ancient grief like this and yet ignore the fact that you are legitimately grieving now. They really can't be allowed to do that.

• so recently bereaved. sigh.

How dare they. Seriously, how dare they. I am just raging on your behalf. Please do not force yourself to go to that dinner if you are not up to it. Don't do that to yourself

'MIL has said that it’s a ‘family’ thing and that one of our twins reminds her of her DC'

NO. Just flat out NO. She had no right whatsoever to say that to you.

I know these people are clearly still struggling with the loss of their baby but they need to stop projecting on to other people and treating you all like naughty children

They sound self centred and selfish.

I’m so sorry about your Mum. Wishing you strength and peace x

They are truly selfish people. You've had your Mum in your life for decades and lost her only two months ago, and their grief over a stillborn child possibly 30 years ago (?) cannot begin to compare with what you are going through. They're horrible.

Your DH really needs to get on board with supporting you.

After that, I'm disgusted with your OH for going.

And wtf did he text you to say he had to calm them down?

Who gives a damn?

If they are angry at someone for not wanting to join in with their grieving ritual then quite frankly they need help.

I would be withdrawing from them altogether at least for a bit. They are far too controlling. It is all about them.

Take space - and make it clear to your DP that you need space. Get some grief counselling. Do things with the living, especially your DC.

Then when one day when the fog starts to clear, consider these people and what if anything they add to your life. It all sounds horribly unhealthy. Yes it is a tragedy to lose a child, but this sounds like an extremely unhealthy mourning ritual, and probably an unhealthy family dynamic.

Very strange OP, it’s almost as if their grief ‘trumps’ yours somehow.

I hope your DP is standing up for you privately to his parents.

FFS! What is this?? Competitive grieving??? Can they not comprehend what you are currently going through??? How can they POSSIBLY compare a death from 30 years ago to a very recent one?

I'm not being a complete insensitive cow as l can't imagine how awful it is to looseca child but at some point, other deaths have to also be taken into consideration.

It is not yours or your children "grief" and actually it's not even yr DP as he didn't even know his sibling.

Sounds to me they are stuck in the wallowing and can't see what other's are going through.

Also!! How can a 2 yr old child have any resemblance to a stillborn child. Absolutely ridiculous and cruel "justification" for them wanting you there.

They just want the attention that they have been used to getting all these years and sod anyone else!