How do I stop my husband being a financial bastard?

[WhatAnAbsolutePenis]

Back ground - we’re married, 2 kids and live in a rented flat. He inherited a house from a friend which he decided to rent out. That’s been rented out for about 3 weeks now and he gets over 1k a month for it.
He works full time and I’m a student in the NHS, including placements and full time uni all year round and I work as well.

Before he inherited this house, we had a shared account for bills and rent. He put in about £600ish a month and I put in £400 and we used to get tax credits.

We are no longer entitled to tax credits.

He has a few weeks ago thrown in my face that he pays for everything. Food, bills and rent.

We had an argument today and he’s done it again. Obviously he puts a significant amount in now because he gets the rent and has to replace the tax credits that we are no longer entitled to.

We just had an argument about the front door (he loves to bitch about the flat. I’ve lived here for years before we were married and he makes it clear that it isn’t up to his standards, the Windows, the kitchen, the bathroom, the front door etc eyc) and yet again he threw in my face that only he pays the rent.

I told him fuck the fuck off and don’t come home tonight.

I’m perfectly fucking capable of paying the rent without him. He can move out. Problem solved.

What exactly does he expect me to do, ditch my degree and my career, somehow inherit a house just so we can be on an even keel with money?!

What kind of absolute bastard throws this in their wife’s face every time they have any argument?

The house has only been rented out for 3 weeks, is this it now? This being thrown in my face every 10 seconds?

I think Sally is saying HE would be nuts to throw away his family for money.

It’s so nice to see a woman standing up for herself and telling/showing her husband that she’s not going to take any of his shit!

You’re a wonderful role model to your children

I have to say I really agree with this. I do not underestimate how hard it is for many people (mainly women) in this position not to just keep the peace and be ground down by it / suck it up "for the children" etc, but it took a lot of cajoling to get my friend to see a solicitor (and in her ideal world there is no divorce on the horizon either) simply to work out where she and her children stood in terms of longterm security and not having to ask permission or constantly hear "I've been paying all the rent for x amount of years" and feel cowed by it.

You have had this for a relatively short amount of time and said, no, no way, I'm going to get some advice on this and act on it and that does deserve a massive "well done".

Ohhh ok that makes more sense!

Thank you.

As for solicitor fees. As I said the one we went to see in London was £100 - I think it was supposed to be for an hour but we were in there for at least 1h30. He was really great - polite and delicate but totally non-judgy and kept emotion out of it in a really sensitive way IYSWIM?

and experienced I should add...!

I didn't mean you throwing your family away for money. You seem totally sensible about money and not grabby. I mean him throwing it away by being nasty with you because of having a bit more of it. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

Yes, sorry SaltyPeanut I realised.

When my husband and I separated I was very anxious not to be seen as a money grabber. I have lived in the breadlime for 10 years paying off the debts that he left behind and accepting the pittance that he offered me in child maintenance. Has it stopped him from telling all and sundry that i took him to the cleaners? No it bloody hasn't
He even told people that I 'got' the house and he walked away with 'only the clothes on his back'. The house was bloody rented and I paid the rent.
You dont have to screw him to the wall but you should ask for half if everything and if that includes the house it includes the house. Use it on your children or put it away for their future if you dont need it. I wish soneone had told me this.

Is okay, I do tend to waffle on sometimes and my point gets lost.

For what it's worth, based on your posts, I think you have the strength and intelligence to bring him round if you still love him or go it alone and be alright.

It is heartening to see a woman who refuses to sit there and take this kind of unpleasant behaviour from their partner.

In most marriages someone will earn more and therefore contribute more. Once you're married it's all family money.

Does he think every single other married couple have this argument all the time then? (They don't)

I earn several times more than DH and never throw it in his face...he's acting like a child. Does he actually understand what it means to be married at all?

I think the comparison is, If OP wins the Lottery would she keep it as personal money ? I imagine DH would have something to say

Actually I think I have read something on this. If the op won the lottery provided she didn't buy anything jointly with her dh then when they split the lottery winnings would be all hers.

Might have got it wrong but I am sure I read about a case where one spouse won the lottery and with the proceeds bought a large house in joint names. A few years later they get divorced and the spouse who won the lottery wanted to keep the house and not split it because they were the one who bought it but because it was a joint asset it had to be split

Buying a property with lottery winnings is irrelevant in that example because the house was in joint names. Joint names means joint ownership unless percentage split was fixed at the time of purchase.

Would also depend on the lottery win in England. If you needed that money to house children and ensure the lower earner could survive and also if it were won a while back and just pooled -like older inheritances then there is a good chance it would be divided with the spouse - just like a wife or husband who earns £100m when they sell a business whereas the other partner has continued as a nurse on a low salary.

I think you're dealing with this really well OP. And he sounds as though he wants to have his cake and eat it. However, I wonder if he'd anticipated being much better off as a result of this inheritance and isn't really adjusting to the reality very well, is looking for someone to blame and finding you're closest?

It's not on, you're a partnership ffs. Are the words "with all my worldly goods I thee endow" still in the service?

I think if you get over this particular hurdle, it might be worth seeing a financial adviser to work out the best way of dealing with this bloody house. I agree with PPs that it's madness to pay rent out with one hand while getting it in with another, unless the house is manifestly unsuitable in some way.

It would also be good if someone explained to him that if he were to sell it without having lived in it, he could be liable to CGT on the money he gets (this is why my tax dodging, property-developing, millionaire BIL always "moves in" to every property he works on!).

@LakieLady I said "all that I have I share with you" a few years ago. The priest made a crack about it before the ceremony to say it whilst thinking ...but not necessarily equally... and we couldn't stop giggling throughout.

We still say it now when sharing out the chocolate

It would also be good if someone explained to him that if he were to sell it without having lived in it, he could be liable to CGT on the money he gets (this is why my tax dodging, property-developing, millionaire BIL always "moves in" to every property he works on!)

Yes, this is what the pp was referring to by burning money for as long as they carry on with this.

Maybe he genuinely didn't understand the "big tax bill" bit and mistakenly thought that meant if he sold now???

This makes me so sad! Your husband sounds like an idiot. Surely he can see that you are trying to better yourself by studying, which is hard enough with children, never mind with an adult child giving you grieve every five minutes.

When I first met my husband, I was studying part time and working full time. We earned roughly the same, but I still couldn't contribute the same as I was paying for my degree as I went along so it was a hefty monthly payment. He never made me feel bad about it and when we decided to get married I told him I was really worried that most of our joint savings towards the wedding had come from him and that I didn't want there to be any bad feeling so I was happy to wait until I could contribute more. He told me not to be silly and that he was sure at some point in our lives it would switch and I would be able to contribute more than he was, and he was right. Last year I was lucky enough to move to a job around the corner from me, and so I sold my car and started to walk to work. Without having to pay for car expenses, I was suddenly a lot better off each month even with our salaries still being pretty similar.

The whole point is that you should be a team. It doesn't matter who contributes more. By all rights, you might not be contributing more financially but it sounds like you're contributing more to your marriage and family by trying to better yourself.

Good on you for calling him out about it. Good luck with your studies!!

Can I have some advice one which direction to turn in?

I’ve spoken to a financial advisor and a solicitor. Both appear to specialise in families, divorce, money etc.

The FA said I get 30 minutes consultation free and then they didn’t say what happened after that. Someone is calling to arrange.

The solicitor just emailed me this

Many thanks for your enquiry.

You may be interested to know that we offer an initial fixed fee appointment for £186 including VAT. The appointment will be about an hour long (it can overrun for no extra cost) and is intended to give you an idea of your position and the options open to you. We will also be able to give you an estimate of costs for any work you may want us to carry out on your behalf, together with an idea of timescale.

The FA is quite far from me. The solicitor is 10 mind walk from me.

Should I go to the solicitor? Is £186 reasonable?

£189 is more than reasonable, it's £175 where I'm from. I would go with the solicitor purely because they're more legal instead of financial

Honestly, I would do both if you can afford it.

Although I am not sure what more they can say than is on here and if your husband refuses then you cannot force him (other than via divorce).

I think £186 is reasonable, and would pick the solicitor out of the two if I had to choose, like PP says they’re more legal which is what I think you need. If you could stretch to both, even better!

Well done OP, I hope you’re ok.

Ok that’s what I thought. I will call her this afternoon. Thank you.

Make sure you have a list of questions / issues to make the most of the time. And copies of any relevant documents.

You will need a photo ID like a passport and proof of your address.

Try to focus on factual matters on which you want her opinion. I was so pleased to have someone “ official “ who took me seriously, I ended up ranting on about other things that ex had done and used up all my time before I’d asked everything I needed to.

I’d write out a list for her of key facts eg date and place of marriage, date of inheritance, children’s names and DB etc . This will also save time.