How do I stop my husband being a financial bastard?

[WhatAnAbsolutePenis]

Back ground - we’re married, 2 kids and live in a rented flat. He inherited a house from a friend which he decided to rent out. That’s been rented out for about 3 weeks now and he gets over 1k a month for it.
He works full time and I’m a student in the NHS, including placements and full time uni all year round and I work as well.

Before he inherited this house, we had a shared account for bills and rent. He put in about £600ish a month and I put in £400 and we used to get tax credits.

We are no longer entitled to tax credits.

He has a few weeks ago thrown in my face that he pays for everything. Food, bills and rent.

We had an argument today and he’s done it again. Obviously he puts a significant amount in now because he gets the rent and has to replace the tax credits that we are no longer entitled to.

We just had an argument about the front door (he loves to bitch about the flat. I’ve lived here for years before we were married and he makes it clear that it isn’t up to his standards, the Windows, the kitchen, the bathroom, the front door etc eyc) and yet again he threw in my face that only he pays the rent.

I told him fuck the fuck off and don’t come home tonight.

I’m perfectly fucking capable of paying the rent without him. He can move out. Problem solved.

What exactly does he expect me to do, ditch my degree and my career, somehow inherit a house just so we can be on an even keel with money?!

What kind of absolute bastard throws this in their wife’s face every time they have any argument?

The house has only been rented out for 3 weeks, is this it now? This being thrown in my face every 10 seconds?

is there a future in the marraige,setting this aside? do you love him, does he love you?
the money element could be addressed potentially with a full frank no holds barred conversation and agreement if you are clear that you want to remain married.
if you dont then get some decent paid for legal advice.

Yep. You get what you are entitled to for your children's sake, not your own.

OP, I'd be getting legal advice on this. I know there was/is a legal right for a spouse not on the deeds, to register a right to a property the family are living in, to prevent it being sold over the family's heads.

I don't know whether the same right applies to a property the family aren't living in, but I'd certainly want to find out. If it is matrimonial property, to be shared appropriately on divorce, I'd want to make sure the house or its value is included in the financial calculations if you decide that's what you want.

Yes I love him very much. He’s a brilliant dad (they are his kids, someone asked up thread) and he’s kind and funny (believe it or not!) and I would be painfully gutted if we broke up.
But this could be a deal breaker. I can’t have this thrown at me for the rest of my life. I don’t deserve it.

You need to go and see a solicitor - I don't know how much a short consultation is in your area but it is money well spent even if it is £100.

I recently went with a friend to ask about her situation because it was likely a significant inheritance was coming her way and she wanting to protect it from her H for her kids. In fact her H is not automatically entitled to 50% of it and given their set of particular circumstances would in fact be entitled to very little of it in the event of a divorce.

Your H is behaving very shadily. Please get some legal advice asap even if it's not something you need to act on now - you need to be informed and prepared.

If everything really was brilliant before the inheritance and you have children together I suggest you try to resolve things before getting divorced on the back of a few very unpleasant remarks.

Coming into money does not make people happy in many cases. He is adjusting to this and doing it very badly. You both need to get to the bottom of what’s going on and he simply has to understand that in marriage all financial outgoings and income are joint and for the good of the family.

Can you afford to access some counselling? Relate will do a reduced rate or your uni may be able to offer help.

my dsis partne risd like this they dont own anything together but whats his is his shes on sick leave atm and he wont help her out

ive told her to leave but she wont

I won’t be divorcing him just on today and the replies on this thread.

I won’t be putting up with it though. And I don’t know how to stop him being a total bastard. Telling him that he is behaving like one isn’t helping whatsoever.

when he gets home tonight, present him with an invoice for the month.

Childcare 24 hours a day x 31 days @ £15.ph =£11160
Cooking
Cleaning
Laundry
Use of amenities (like the furniture you had before he moved in)
Entertainment

Make sure it comes to a bit more than he earns in a month.(including the rent from his inheritance)

Tell him you are not his equal, you’re better than that but you will settle for being treated at his equal or you will divorce him for being a bellend.

How long is it until you qualify?

To be clear - when I said you need to get informed with a solicitor, I was not suggesting you get divorced!! I just think you need to know exactly how things stand from a legal perspective, particularly if someone is going to start throwing this in your face. Whether you choose to share that information or not, just get the non-emotional information clear in your head and know where you stand. My friend's consultation was £100 (London) but it was a long chat (1h30m) and was very useful for will-planning, sorting out guardianship of children in case worst happened to both parents etc. as well as getting this situation clarified.

OP, you said you could afford to live there without him, but your half with him there is your total income. Is it just that tax credits would be enough to make it work or is he spending shit loads of 'joint' money on extras you wouldn't?

How on earth is it financially viable to receive £1,000 in rent but pay out nearly that amount in rent? Why not just live in the house? Is that so that (in his head) you have to contribute towards renting a home, whereas he gets to keep the £1,000?

I know you say you love him (honest to god, I know love takes many forms but this one just about gives me brain-ache trying to think about it) and you won't leave him. You realise you're the only one who'll suffer here, don't you? Don't be a martyr. If someone doesn't treat you with love and respect you should leave them.

Is that £1k a month in rent pre or post tax?

I’d lose a little respect for him after this.

He is obviously seething with resentment at the fact the tax credits have gone and are eating into what he views as ‘his’ money.

Imo it looks like before he viewed you as an equal whereas now he thinks he is a touch better than you due to having this house.

A sad state of affairs.

I’d sell it and buy somewhere more suitable for the family

Iamtrying that’s based on me looking after the kids all the time. I don’t. It’s equal.

Dontdribble 1.5 years. I’m halfway through.

Weedangerous he isn’t pissing away loads of money. He really isn’t.
If I was on my own I would get tax credits and some more NHS funds and other student stuff which I don’t receive because it’s based on his income.

Mirialis that’s post tax.

Remind him that he ONLY JUST inherited the house and he did NOT earn it due to his hard work. There are men who do 2 jobs, let their wives do the childcare at their own comfort (while you are doing a course on top and work) and don't remind their wives who earns the money!!

My mother has never worked. We never dreamt of disrespecting her or thinking lower of her because of that. Despite this our father still found it important to tell us that we should NEVER think lower of our mother just because she doesn't work as she contributes otherwise. There are men out there with total respect for their wives. My DF had worked 2 jobs for a long time, bought parental house, then built holiday house, never got tax credits or similar but never ever bragged about it or belittled our DM!!!!!

I think you just simply need to put your foot down and nip this in the bud now. If it is his choice to bring in £1000 for the family from renting out the inherited property that's fine, but no more complaints about the flat. It's mean and unfair when it is entirely his choice to live this way.

The sensible thing by far is to get the family moved into a property you own (either the one he has inherited or one purchased with the proceeds of).

Have a calm rather than angry chat (even though you are understandably fuming) and get him to lay it out on the table in clear terms why he has chosen this rental option when it makes little financial sense.

Tell him you are willing to let the comments of the past few weeks go on the understanding that it never happens again. Press the reset button. Either you are a family, or you're not, and when you qualify and are earning well you will not be complaining about your contributions for the whole family and you cannot respect someone who does it.

This may not be the place but I thought inherited assets were NOT considered conjugal property and therefore didn't have to be part of a divorce settlement?

But the main point being, your husband is unreasonable and if you want to continue the marriage, you need to both buy into the fact that finances have to be on a from each according to their means, to each according to their needs basis. And that his greater earning power now is likely to be matched by yours when you qualify. If you can't both sign up to this, and mean it, then there's not much future really.

Both of you seem to go from 0 to 100 in terms of starting a conversation about money and then in two seconds you are at the Huff Quit Storm Out fuck off, no you fuck off point. The fact that you can't have a proper calm conversation about this is a big obstacle.

The way you both speak to each other is disrespectful no matter what you are discussing. It's rude and dismissive. Maybe you don't use the same language back as he uses to you, I'm not sure. I hope you are not shouting and swearing at each other in front of your kids.

Would it help for you to draw a diagram with a timeline or calendar, showing how many months/years you will be training and then when your salary goes up. That will give a forecast of income for this year, next year and the year after.

Remember the house has only been rented for 3 weeks. He is probably still shitting himself that renting it out has been a mistake. He can't ask your advice about the house because you made it extremely clear that renting it out was A Bad Idea that was going to cost your family dearly and that you were very against it. Things may get better when the monthly rent comes in and starts to balance the bank account better. That in no way excuses the way he speaks to you.

Have you spoken to your DH and told him how this makes you feel? We have completely joint finances, but My DH earnt 4x as much as me and used to try this bollocks in arguments, and (after losing my shit!) we talked it out. I reminded him that I picked up the grunt work of daily life, and my wages paid for x, y and z and that if he truly saw us as a team, he needed to pack it in, and that I could afford a life (albeit a very poor one) by myself quite nicely, thank you very much. Now when he rants on about something, and refers to it as “his money” he stops himself and corrects it to our money. Because it is OUR money.

I’m not saying LTB but it could be worth seeing a solicitor on the quiet just to find out the legal position regarding the house, knowledge is power after all!

IamTrying OP is a student, is working on placements and also working a job. Her issue is that although working (presumably) a similar number of hours to her DH she is not bringing in anywhere as much money. Not sure why you have turned it into him not valuing the time she spends on housework/childcare.

I think it's interesting that OP says they were happy before the inherited house, because their financial situations were much more equal then. I've found in my own relationship that we've both found we get on much better when we are financial equals and this is a situation I've found amongst friends as well. Clearly some couples manage very well with a disparity of income but I do think it does/can add an extra pressure to a relationship.

I don't see that he owned the house, before probate was finished. not an expert.
Ex my mother died, the final settlement was 2 years later, I didn't declare my inheritance before I got it.
I suppose the way round this, is to tell him that if this is how he sees it, when you earn more than him you will keep a £1000 (less tax) aside, to balance it all up. with arrears

& standard healthy situation is to pool all recourses

resources !

You sound well able for him OP, and I’ve no doubt you’ll sort this out pretty quickly.