How do I stop my husband being a financial bastard?

[WhatAnAbsolutePenis]

Back ground - we’re married, 2 kids and live in a rented flat. He inherited a house from a friend which he decided to rent out. That’s been rented out for about 3 weeks now and he gets over 1k a month for it.
He works full time and I’m a student in the NHS, including placements and full time uni all year round and I work as well.

Before he inherited this house, we had a shared account for bills and rent. He put in about £600ish a month and I put in £400 and we used to get tax credits.

We are no longer entitled to tax credits.

He has a few weeks ago thrown in my face that he pays for everything. Food, bills and rent.

We had an argument today and he’s done it again. Obviously he puts a significant amount in now because he gets the rent and has to replace the tax credits that we are no longer entitled to.

We just had an argument about the front door (he loves to bitch about the flat. I’ve lived here for years before we were married and he makes it clear that it isn’t up to his standards, the Windows, the kitchen, the bathroom, the front door etc eyc) and yet again he threw in my face that only he pays the rent.

I told him fuck the fuck off and don’t come home tonight.

I’m perfectly fucking capable of paying the rent without him. He can move out. Problem solved.

What exactly does he expect me to do, ditch my degree and my career, somehow inherit a house just so we can be on an even keel with money?!

What kind of absolute bastard throws this in their wife’s face every time they have any argument?

The house has only been rented out for 3 weeks, is this it now? This being thrown in my face every 10 seconds?

Peartree - the advice I sat in on was that it varied from case to case and the needs of the children were the overriding factor in what was deemed to be part of the conjugal pot. In this case the kids are living in a rental flat while there is a house owned outright.

You're married. He will find "he" didn't inherit anything...it is communal property. My husband earns loads more than me and I also work part time. It works for us. We share everything. If I win the lottery, or get a great job, that cash is half his as well. Why on Earth did your husband choose to get married if he sees things as yours or his? Sorry, OP, you sound lovely and deserve more than this.

Feisty, you are right to point out there is a right if not on the deeds for a spouse to regiter at the Land Registry their right over the matrimonial home but I think that just applies to the house they both live in. Might be worth looking on the land registry website to ensure the house is not sold without telling her, proceeds parked in Saudi or Panama and then a divorce with "no" assets.

This is another reason why I blew up and him from 0-100. Because I have told him how it makes me feel before, in a nice calm conversation that didn’t stem (directly) from an argument. So he knows exactly how shit it makes me feel (but come on, he didn’t need telling) and he still does it.

So please don’t assume that I haven’t tried. I absolutely have.

"If the house is in his name and technically he owned it before you were married it's not a marital asset." That might be Scottish law but not English. In English divorces everything both sides own at the date of sorting out finances is considered and in most families inheritances are part of the marital pot particularly if you need them to buy a house to house the children in.

OP, you said upthread that the inherited house is the problem and you were happy before this.
On the contrary, the house has showed him up to be the person he is, it was still there but the inheritance brought it to the surface.
Something later in your relationship would have had the same effect, but you found out now.

No, no no. The inherited property is jointly yours, so te income is jointly yours. He is not putting in more money than you as half the rent is yours.

If he continues to be an arse point this out. He may not realise it's classed as jointly owned.

That’s horrible. I’m a sahm to our three kids. I gave up work as two have disabilities that prevent me working. His salary goes into the joint account. He doesn’t mention he pays for anything. As he says it’s our money.

OP, despite the claims on here, inherited assets are not cut and dried in cases of divorce and you should get some advice so you can work out a strategy which may - if you and your husband can't improve how you agree finances - include divorce. A quick Google will show you that it's a matter of probability and degrees of likelihood based on individual circumstances. Length of time in which the family relies upon an inherited asset may be taken into account. this is just one link (and yes, I have skin in this game, because I brought a lot of assets into my marriage):
www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-may-aug-2017/is-my-ex-spouse-entitled-to-my-inheritance/

Some people don't cope well with money. Maybe he isn't coping well with the responsibility of having a rental property.

I suspect part of it is that the inheritance hasn't made him as well off as he thought it would. Its not £1000 straight into his pocket because there was a financial downside through the loss of tax credits and a tax bill at the end of the year. A bit like when you get a pay rise which sounds great until you factor in the tax, NI and possible loss of means tested benefits. He probably thought he was going to be much better off than he is and he is stropping and frustrated as he had mentally made plans for the money.

I think if you said to most people that they were going to inherit a property and get hundreds of pounds a month extra they would imagine an instant big uplift in their quality of life. He is not seeing the benefits of the extra money yet and is throwing a tantrum because of it.

I know you’re trying to work through this op but for what it’s worth if you do end up divorcing , take half the house. Not just because of the kids, but twattishness should always have a cost.

So what exactly do I do next? I actually don’t know where to go from here.

as you love him it has to be worth spelling out to him precisely the impact his words and actions are having on you and the relationship.
presumably the friend left him the house to improve his life, not ruin it.

It sounds a bit like you are each having a conversation but from completely different points of view. The house may or may not be an issue but it seems like something has shifted in your relationship and you see it as house related and he sees it as equality related. It feels like you need a sort of cards on the table discussion. If it is this new asset that is causing the issue then invest in a mediation appointment so you can discuss what your future would look like (him with the house you with the career) if you genuinely were OK until recently then don't let the rot take hold for fear of a straight conversation that might just save a lot of hurtful things being thought and said needlessly. Mediation can be used in many ways it doesn't have to be about splitting up it can also be about a good old practical relationship MOT - you are doing different things in your life and raising kids together maybe he's worried you are going to improve yourself beyond him and then what keeps you with him. His only windfall is a house far away but maybe he has nothing else on the horizon that he thinks will match your gain. Insecurities cause all manner of difficulties if they aren't aired.

From going through a very bitter and nasty divorce, everything acquired post marriage is joint assets.

Your DH didn't take ownership of the property until after you were married. It's the actual date of the TR1 - the property transfer form.

Unless you have signed a deed of trust stating that the house is DH and that you have no legal right to it, prior to the marriage.

I would advise seeking some legal advice, on the quiet, look at the legal standing of the property, and look at the division of financial assets in the event of separation and divorce.

Then jointly I would advise seeking financial advice, as pp have said it is a no brainer to be renting a property to live in whilst owning a property outright. Personally I would either be moving into the inherited property and extending it to make it suitable for all of you, sell it and buy somewhere jointly with the proceeds or taking a long hard look at your relationship and agreeing to separate.

Good luck

Thank you.

Yes you’re right. A cards on the table conversation. I totally agree. No stupid “it hurts me when you say XYZ” but actual facts about stuff.
There’s absolutely no way I can continue in a relationship that is going in this direction. However much I love him.

Def cards on the table time - he needs to know it's actually a joint asset not just 'his'

This may not be the place but I thought inherited assets were NOT considered conjugal property and therefore didn't have to be part of a divorce settlement?

I think that's true in the US but don't think it's true here. I imagine it's a lot to do with the length of a marriage/relationship, though.

If in UK he needs to declare income from house and fill out tax form. Depending on how much he earns he should pay tax on it. He should also be keeping records incase HMRC need to see them. If you are married aren't all your assets shared ?

I know you say you want nothing to do with the house but it's a marital asset and it's half yours.

With 2 children and a career just getting started it will provide a great start for your life without him

If he even tries to pull the it's mine not yours nonsense- ignore. You need to safeguard your future!

TheGreatEscape does the whole thread not show that they are clearly not? And what he does share, he’s beating me round the head with. That’s kinda the point of the thread.
He does declare the income for the house and he does pay tax.

I think some proper financial advice would be useful and might help focus his mind. If you are the lower earner at the moment then it might have made financial sense to have at least some of the rental income coming to you e.g. if you have unused tax free allowance or he is in danger of reaching the higher rate threshold.

I agree that a frank discussion is the right way forward.

I thought the house had only just been rented out? He won't need to file a tax return until next April. I assume he is putting money away for his tax bill.

There’s absolutely no way I can continue in a relationship that is going in this direction. However much I love him.

That's big stuff. You absolutely need to put your cards on the table. He probably has no idea he is in danger of losing you. Give him the opportunity to save your marriage.

Right.
I’ve messages DH and said that I felt dread the day we were told he inherited the house because I feared that this would happen and I am not wrong. I said that we are married and should be equals and he has repeatedly said and shown me that this is not the case and I cannot continue to be in that kind of marriage. I said that if he wanted to continue down that road the to let me know when he wanted to pack his stuff and I will take the kids out while he does it.
Of course I do hope that he chooses not to, and we will sit down and discuss things.
But I am absolutely serious in that I will not continue in a marriage that has this financial bullying going on.

I have also emailed a financial advisor that specialises in family finances, divorce amongst others and I said I wanted advice on my future in or out of the marriage. So hopefully they can message me back and arrange a meeting.

DH hasn’t replied yet. When he does, I’ve absolutely no doubt it will be to tell me it’s all my fault and tell me all the things that I do wrong that has caused this.