Posted thread yesterday about EX using my car! Have received the texts now! Need all the MN advice please!

[cheaperthebetter]

So my lovely MN this is the text I received 5 mins ago for ignoring his 5 calls; EX does not even know any of DD & DS friends ever!
Please help on the perfect reply

(My name) its pathetic, u gna hav to talk to me, grow up was jus gna talk about kids, its stupid , oviously there somthing else going on , cant b assed with the childish games injoy ,who ever it is, when u decide to grow up ring me need stuff. Am not putting my life on hold anymre i did best , u hav to many issues an u cant adress any, u have just lost the man who loves u , sometimes people go on an on an pick faults with there loved ones ,then realise when they gone that they had it all an thats whats gna happen to u, i tried to help u but u cant do it u need to c someone about way u are from the past ,coz u cant c way u are, ring later about kids , an also am gna ask (my single hairdressers name)if her kids want to spend time with (DD) over 6 weeks , an (DS) friends as am gna move in my own home an get my life back an somone that apreciates me. U cant c who i am ur to messed up,i deserve to be happy ,ring at lunch 4 kids

I believe he took the kids fishing....that's the angle here that he's spent his last money on the kids so can't afford food/fags.

Thing is if he'd not been buying fags etc before fishing then he might have some left over.

It's obvious he's trying to get a share of the benefits the OP receives for the kids to fund his own lifestyle.

He's basically a creepy first class abusive shit.

Well done OP! You're in charge. Remember that!

tell him you will see a Mediator if he pays for it!.. he'll soon change his mind.

Im actually PMSL at him demanding the kids money so he can take them out. Do never hand him a penny. Tell him you will go through the CSA for maintenance.

I would text back "I will make kids available for contact on (Sunday @10am to be collected from my house, and returned to my house at 3pm). What you do with them during this time is up to you.
I will bag your stuff and leave it outside the house for you to collect at the same time."

I would not mention the money but if he responds asking about it I would simply respond "cb/tax credits/dla" are mine so support the kids day to day. You are not entitled to any of it. I will be making a CMS claim for your support to be calculated.

Listen ain ringing for u , i have alot to discuss about kids an we need to go amideation, to talk about kids
solicitor if mediation is wrt custody/access...you are primary care giver, he does have his own place yet
an i need my own contact with the school
not your job to organise his liaising. Just make sure he cannot take them from school without your say-so as you have sole custody atm
,an the kids money when i have them
nope, he is the non-resident parent, has no house for them, does not share custody (will he fight for custody?) does not do overnights, should be paying maintenance!
so i can decide what i feed them or do with them
he has to do that on his own budget - if he cannot then he sees them at a centre
an also (DS sen) dla i will want half so can take him out etc ,i will provide all the receipts to show that it was spent on kids an not on me
not entitled to this and should be paying maintenance
or me useing it to pay my bills ,
see last answer
ill exspect the same from you ,
nope
just want whats fair nothing else u have evarything else ,
lawyer up to make it clear to the fuckwit he is not entitled
dnt want to argue just want to be nice to each other work as a team for kids, its important we dnt curse each other infront of them ,even on a phone to anyone ,
ALL future communications in writing so you have evidence
ill take (DD) swimming an (DS sen)
is this something he does you have agreed to?
y u sort (DD2) out tomoz ,
would he normally be collecting DD on Tuesday?
need to get stuff from hovse need it washing dnt have anything clean
binbag on step. Do not allow him into house. Have back up with you
,also protein , dnt hav no food,fags
neither is your problem, do not let him in to raid your home
spent last my money on fishing.
if this was because he took DS fishing, again NOT your problem. Priorities
hope u sort urself out.
ignore
Lets be nice 4 kids ok ,bY
You do not have to play nice. Co-parent yes but with minimum drama and e-mail will enable this and give you distance

do NOT get guilted
do NOT enable
do NOT respond except by lawyer/e-mail trail

He defines Cocklodger

One thing to add - I'd be very wary of specifically mentioning CMS just before he is due to start work, or you may find the job mysteriously disappears.

Wot. A. Nob.

Try that again in response to the money I would say " "cb/tax credits/DLA are to support the kids 7 days a week. You are not entitled to any of it. I will be making a CMS claim for your support to be calculated."

Posted this on your other thread:

How often is he currently seeing the kids? I'd put a set routine in place, doorstep pick ups and drop offs (no coming into your home, no lengthy conversations). For example offer a weekend day and a midweek which could be either an afternoon or say 3-6pm, whatever fits in with you all. Have a think about some options for regular contact and set them in place. Say it's to benefit the kids and they'll feel more secure with a routine and clear boundaries in place.

He wont do overnights, he wont spend any money on them, doesn't have a car, etc. I'd be very surprised if he keeps up contact reliably when it doesn't involve manipulating you and cashing in on free meals, petrol, adult conversation, etc. He's just using you through the premise of seeing the kids.

When I split with an emotionally abusive partner I put set days and times in place and shut down all communication unless it was to do with DS. And I don't mean how was DS today / DS did the funniest thing today, I mean serious or urgent things like stuck in traffic will be late picking DS up / DS is very ill.

Shut down all personal communication.

If he promises the kids something do NOT bail him out! Just say to the kids that's a shame, sympathise with them, and then make some alternative plans with them yourself for a different day so they have something to look forward to.

Up until now you've both still been in a relationship dynamic. You need this to drastically change, pronto. Definitely do the Freedom Programme. You can even do it online.

So glad you have a solicitor, and his history of DV on record. She is right he won't get a PENNY of your CB, CTC, DLA, etc.

If he can't even feed himself how can he prove he can provide and care for your kids. He's an absolute drain, and the sooner you can mentally and emotionally detach the better. I'd not respond at all, and if you do, make it only about contact. Keep him out of your house, purse and headspace.

Yep I'd not be mentioning CSA/CMS/maintenance at the moment either. He likely won't take up this potential job out of spite if he sniffs the possibility of you wanting him to be financially responsible for his own kids. What a loser.

Don't reply. There's nothing in that pile of crap that needs a response.

Someone mentioned having someone with you when he next comes to pick up the DC. I agree with this. He's spoiling for a fight and has a history of DV.

I think your decision to contact your solicitor again is the correct one.

I think you need to minimise contact.

Pack up any of his stuff remaining at your house, and give him a time when he can collect it. Have someone else there during that time, and ask him to check that he has everything before he leaves. After that, he does not cross your threshold again.

Written communication would be better. Leave the solicitor to deal with offers of a contact schedule, and try to avoid mentioning maintenance until after he has done the course and started work (it's only a week, so you can fudge it). With a DV history, mediation may not be appropriate - your solicitor can advise on this.

The urgent question seems to be to deal with his expectations of contact with DC this week. Has anything been agreed, or was that text the first mention?

To have half of his children's money (wtf is it with these men who think children dispense money?) he would have to be taking care of them for half the time. Does he think they eat nothing and don't require housing, hot water, clothing, school supplies and everything else once they are out of his sight?

As for "losing the man who loved you" he needs to be reminded he's an ex. An ex whose love wasn't that great anyway if he can withdraw it over the loan of a car!

That's a very good point about mediation. It's not usually done when there's a history of DV. Check with your solicitor.

I would not comment on his English, many many people are unable to write legibly. Doing so would be totally unnecessary and only to wind him up.
If you are in receipt of DLA for one of your children then he should get a proportion of it when the child is with him. If you don't give it to him, you're basically saying the child only has SEN when with you.

So he expects you to:
provide him with money
provide him with what you are spending money on
and take stuff from your house, clean for him, provide fags.....
He's living on cloud cuckoo land (and wants to continue controlling and leeching off you).
www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/

"If you are in receipt of DLA for one of your children then he should get a proportion of it when the child is with him"

Agree that this would be part of the financial arrangements. But OP you need a contact schedule sorted first and then CM can be decided in light of what proposition of time the DC will reside with each parent.

@Lancelottie I'm guessing autocorrect sorted out the spelling of "receipt" and "protein" plus most of the other bigger words.

OP remember this man is not in a position of authority over you, you neither have to do what he says nor justify why you won't.

"If you are in receipt of DLA for one of your children then he should get a proportion of it when the child is with him"

But he has demanded half, the children live with OP full time, why should he get half?

"If you are in receipt of DLA for one of your children then he should get a proportion of it when the child is with him. If you don't give it to him, you're basically saying the child only has SEN when with you."

Ordinarily I'd agree but this man pays no maintenance (as per the other thread) so if he's happy that the DC cost nothing whilst they're with OP then likewise he doesn't need the DLA whilst they're with him.

I'm so glad you left this man.

Wtf! What the hell makes him think he is supposed to get ANY money from you that is meant for the DC? Unbelievably cheeky git!!

In fact he needs to be paying maintenance - get onto cms today.

"One thing to add - I'd be very wary of specifically mentioning CMS just before he is due to start work, or you may find the job mysteriously disappears." Yes I think so too.

He's a grown adult and half responsible for the DC, you get the DLA etc because YOU are the one doing the majority care, that's the law. Only contact from now on is wrt making arrangements for him seeing kids. That's all.

Mediator and everyone else will tell him that too.

Unfortunately I suspect that if there's nothing in it for him financially he'll gradually stop seeing the DC.

Yes - get that solicitor onto it, they sound switched on and no nonsense.

And don't wash his clothes he's left at yours either - black bag he can do his own bloody laundry! Run out of clean clothes indeed - my dd was doing her own laundry at 14!!

He is such a piss taker! No, enough's enough. Time he grew up. I dread to think what his parents are like.

Dla is for the childs care needs, not so his dad can take him out. It goes towards say, water bills when theres an increased use due to incontinence etc.

He seems to be under the impression that you were still a couple. It’s positive that he is getting that you are no longer together.

It’s childish but he’s suggesting some good things. No arguments. Mediation.

I would agree with mediation. Arrange the time. And not answer anything else, of course he’s not going to get half Dla what an idiot. But no point discussing this now.

Also, can he please start using YOU. So annoying.