Posted thread yesterday about EX using my car! Have received the texts now! Need all the MN advice please!

[cheaperthebetter]

So my lovely MN this is the text I received 5 mins ago for ignoring his 5 calls; EX does not even know any of DD & DS friends ever!
Please help on the perfect reply

(My name) its pathetic, u gna hav to talk to me, grow up was jus gna talk about kids, its stupid , oviously there somthing else going on , cant b assed with the childish games injoy ,who ever it is, when u decide to grow up ring me need stuff. Am not putting my life on hold anymre i did best , u hav to many issues an u cant adress any, u have just lost the man who loves u , sometimes people go on an on an pick faults with there loved ones ,then realise when they gone that they had it all an thats whats gna happen to u, i tried to help u but u cant do it u need to c someone about way u are from the past ,coz u cant c way u are, ring later about kids , an also am gna ask (my single hairdressers name)if her kids want to spend time with (DD) over 6 weeks , an (DS) friends as am gna move in my own home an get my life back an somone that apreciates me. U cant c who i am ur to messed up,i deserve to be happy ,ring at lunch 4 kids

Stop letting him in to your life.
As others have said, set up an email purely for correspondence regarding the children. Do not reply to him other than by email.
He’s still got his foot in the door.

I need my own contact with the school an the kids money
In amongst the unintelligible mess of his text messages is hidden the real reason he his in contact with you. It is only about the money. He has been leeching off you for so long he can’t survive with out it. I can’t suggest any witty responses because quite frankly he is a disgusting lowlife who has set his sights on his child’s DLA.

"piss off" would be my reply. He's living on another planet!

Oh and the idea that you should proved receipt to prove you spend the money on the kids.....

Goodness, what a load of old shite in those texts.

Definitely Grey Rock him. Just reply - Okay. Text me time/day you are having the children and I'll see it's convenient.

Ignore the other stuff - your benefits are your benefits to help you bring up your children. CM is calculated on a formula.

Don't delete the texts though as you may want them as evidence of his controlling behaviour at mediation.

I hope someone links the grey rock technique! I followed another thread where the OP found it really useful.

This man is so so desperate for your attention OP. Every time he gets some attention from you, you're rewarding him and fuelling him to keep going. You need to make steps to reduce the attention you give him - totally agree with other suggestions to make contact with him by email only (dedicated email to be checked at times of day of your choosing).

Remember that you're a role model for your DDs. Everytime they see you let him take advantage of you, you're communicating that this is acceptable. How many DSs do you have? Again - you're letting them know that treating a woman like a doormat is acceptable.

As pp said, tell him to email re arrangements for the DC. But keep the texts as they show the pattern of behaviour.

Communicate by email and refuse to talk about anything other than contact arrangements for DC.

As for you have issues, yes, you have that bloody mill stone round your neck. And you need help, yes, you need to cut said mill stone loose.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. If you are some carer for the children then he needs to be paying maintenance but that can be worked out down the line.

Any communications must solely be about the kids, about contact times and pick up/drop off. Do NOT engage in anything else with this man.

No, he doesn't get any of the CB or DLA. And you don't have to give him money to take his own dc out.

He should be paying you maintenance!

Ignore that text. In fact, just ignore him. Totally. Don't go to mediation (is that what he means?) - you don't have to.

Sole not some!

Disengage. You are not friends, nor partners, just joint parents. On no account hand over money. Feed the DC before they go to him if you can.

www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/

What is the resident and contact situation with your DC at the moment

Do not give him any money - if they are with you most of the time as resident parent he should be paying you

To be fair, he obviously isn't completely selfish when it comes to sharing: although he expects full use of your car, at least he gives the toddler free-reign over his phone.

He's a twat. He's trying to make you feel sorry for him and be jealous. If he spent his money on fishing, that's his problem. Starve then you fool! Don't fall for it, if you do, you're stupid.

I know this is all about control
And MONEY !
I'm not giving him a penny!
Told him will contact the solicitor who wrote to him to get him out of my house to arrange contact etc, this solicitor is provided by DV charity, she also told me he will never get a penny of CHB,CT or DLA they reside with me and even if we went to court it would still be same out come as he was DV towards me throughout the 12 years !

I’ve just read his message again OP and its all about money: he doesn’t have any money for food (so he’s asking for you to feed him like you’ve been doing).

He’s going on the begging bowl because he wants money.

You’re doing right to contact the solicitor and get it all formalised

Text back - great idea about sorting out money for the kids. I’ll get in touch with csa to get the ball rolling”

On what planet did he think he can get away with A) not supporting his own children and B) thinking he was entitled to funds from you when he has contact with him.

"Of course we should go through the proper channels. You organise mediation and I'll contact CSA to sort out maintenance."

He's not going to pay for mediation, is he?

Magnificent OP! You have taken control

What contact schedule does he have at the moment? How old are your kids?

He won’t take you to court it costs money

Do NOT agree to giving him any money.

He owes YOU maintenance. NOT the other way round.

To be honest reading those texts made my head hurt.

However the gist seems to be "I need the kids money" is that he seems to think it's up to you to "finance" his contact with the children.

It's not. He's a parent not a 5th child.

Tbh I'd be tempted to accept an offer of mediation if only to watch the look of incredulation on the mediators face as he listed his demands....but ultimately I wouldn't do it.

In your place I'd speak to a solicitor and get a letter written to remind him of HIS responsibilities to the children and asking to desist from continuing to "beg" off you and contact you only wrt contact arrangements for the kids.

Time to get tough and do it via legal channels to make the point crystal clear.

It's bad for your kids to see someone being manipulated in this way. By caving in to him you're teaching them that his way of behaving gets results. They need to know it doesn't.

Ignore the texts but make sure you keep them (and maybe screenshots of them too, in a separate place?) to prove what he is like , should you ever need to... The fact that he needs food etc but spent his last money on going fishing is very telling of how he is completely unable to prioritise life choices like a grown up...