To think it's too young to be left for hours?

[WhoWants2Know]

I have 2 DDs, 8 and 10. They are with their dad this weekend so I can work. 10 messaged me this morning to say that she and her dad had gone out shopping yesterday, leaving 8 at home to look after the dogs. (A pair of 7 month old, medium sized, Romanian rescue dogs)

I have told him previously that 8 is too young to leave alone, and am only just starting to leave 10 at home for short trips. As far as he's concerned, I should do away with the childminder over the summer and the girls can stay home and look after the dogs. He is determined that I am just overprotective.

This isn't about dog hating. I help out with the dogs when I can so that the girls can grow up with pets. BUT they are high energy and can easily jump all over and scratch up an adult, let alone a child. They can also snarl a bit over favourite toys.

I get that exh grew up in a generation where kids were largely left to it, and his upbringing was more neglectful than most. (Actually removed from the home by SS at one point)

So AIBU to say it's too young and how do I get him to stop doing it?

I think it's the ex not looking at the big picture... I would raise the concerns of the situation and ask that it doesn't happen again ... I think if you show you are being reasonable he will understand your concerns without a big blow out. Bottom line the children will suffer if they can't see / have a relationship with their father ... good luck OP.

Sure, he can raise them as he sees fit during his time with them. But that involves actually being with them, not fucking off or having them hang around his house unsupervised.

He works in a job where he should really know better and I am worried that there could be an impact on his job if I call social services.

You are enabling him to to this then, if you don't speak up. You could tell him you will inform SS if he doesn't change- then it's up to him. His responsibility

You are far from unreasonable, stick to your guns - maybe get someone else (who agrees with you), someone he knows and likes, to talk to him about it.

I had already told him during previous conversations that 8 is too young to be left alone. He said that really it depends on the kid, and I pointed out the reasons why I feel it's too young for our 8 particular year old.

He knows how I feel and did it anyway.

It isn't even a case of denying him access. He doesn't ask for access. If I never worked another weekend then he wouldn't ask to have them sleep over. It only happens when I ask for help. Before he got the dogs, the girls went over occasionally to go swimming or biking, but that's about it. They see him much more often now because I take them over and we look after the dogs until he's home from work

So there’s no court order in place for access? If not, tell him they don’t come to see him without you until he promised, in writing never to leave the DC alone.

I think 8 is too young.

I might leave my 9 yo (now nearly 10) for up to 20 mins to take her brother to nursery but that's about it

Nope, no court order. I'm debating whether to just tell him straight up that'd he leaves them alone again then I will report him to social services. I'm a bit concerned that he may do it anyway and try to get them to lie about it, though.

The man is a moron. Nobody with two braincells could possibly think this is a safe situation. He is risking your daughters life, please don't let them go back there, you've spoken to him, he's ignored you. No more chances.

There’s also a responsibility on you not to put your children in an unsafe situation, even if it’s your Ex. Doesn’t matter. You can talk this through with an anonymous call if you wanted with SS and see what the process is first.

It almost sounds like his only motivation to actually see his kids is so they can dig-sit for him! Presumably that's why the 8 year old was left at home even though she was actually keen to up to the shops

Is there a reason you are giving him another chance OP, I thought he’d done it before? Can anybody else help out with childcare?

I have some friends who can help out with play dates while I work. And I can use some annual leave.

But I think rather than deny him access at this point, I will have to have someone from social services speak to him and explain that it's not ok.

I chatted with the girls about it, and it turns out that he didn't offer to take DD8 with them because "someone needed to stay with the dogs". He left her with a phone so she and DD10 could keep texting each other.

Why the fuck are you going round looking after his dogs too?

I’d stop that straight away, they’re HIS responsibility not his children or his ex’s.

OP, this is a really dangerous situation. 8 is too young to be left for any long stretch of time, with or without dogs. The fact that she is left in charge of the dogs as well is a major concern - they could turn on her at any time.

You really owe it to your girls to take action, otherwise you will be complicit in the neglect of your daughters. You don't sound like a neglectful parent at all, so please don't allow that to happen. I do understand that it's difficult, for all the reasons you have talked about, but really, you have no choice - you have to put a stop to this now.

I have an 8yr old and a 10yr old. No way would I let them fend for themselves for a large chunk of time. Dog or no dog...

He's not parenting adequately because he hasn't learned how to due to his own crap childhood.

I think you need to broach this in a way he will listen...say you know he thinks you're wrong, but you're just not comfortable with this happening. Ever.

You're right to mention the dogs because they are a factor here. It sounds like he's a great dog owner, but doesn't have great judgment as a parent.

Regardless of the dogs as that shouldn’t be happening anyway... my dd is almost 8 and I wouldn’t leave her home alone. I know she wouldn’t touch anything and would probably just sit and watch tv BUT 8 years old is a bit young for me

he didn't offer to take DD8 with them because "someone needed to stay with the dogs"

Fucking hell, he's more concerned with his dogs' well-being than his daughter's.

I'm on a Romanian Dog rescue site. I am hoping to be a Foster Carer.

The Charity wouldn't be OK with this. These dogs, even if re-homed as Puppy's should not be left alone with children, until they are full Adults and you know that their triggers etc have gone.

A child shouldn't be left with a pair of dogs, they 'bounce' off each other. Adults have been killed by their dogs who have become over excited.

I'm speaking as an experienced Dog owner.

You have to act on this, even if it involves contacting the Charity were the Dogs came from. He won't have them removed, but they will go over the rules again.

8 is too young to be left. A rescue will state in their terms that children are not to be left already be with the dogs. You need to state that too him, also that the law also states children if left alone need to be in a safe environment, two young dogs is not safe.
We have a rescue and and 8 year old and although he's been brought up with children and is daft, id never leave her or my ds ( 12) alone with him.
I'd maybe call social services for advice.

It's too young by any measure and he should respect your opinion when it comes to matters of safeguarding. He's not a single parent.

I'm glad he's got the welfare of the dogs on his mind but leaving an 8 year old is not the answer.

I absolutely love dogs, but yeah, eight years old is both too young to be left alone, and left unsupervised with dogs of any kind. You are not being unreasonable at all.

In the first place, the child is too young to be left alone. In the second place, as a dog lover, I would absolutely NEVER leave two young rescue dogs alone with a child EVER. If the dogs need supervising it must be by and adult

I would say 8 was too young, but especially to be looking after dogs! Sounds like a really shit parent who gives not a shit about his childrens safety, tbh.