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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's too young to be left for hours?

146 replies

WhoWants2Know · 22/07/2018 12:14

I have 2 DDs, 8 and 10. They are with their dad this weekend so I can work. 10 messaged me this morning to say that she and her dad had gone out shopping yesterday, leaving 8 at home to look after the dogs. (A pair of 7 month old, medium sized, Romanian rescue dogs)

I have told him previously that 8 is too young to leave alone, and am only just starting to leave 10 at home for short trips. As far as he's concerned, I should do away with the childminder over the summer and the girls can stay home and look after the dogs. He is determined that I am just overprotective.

This isn't about dog hating. I help out with the dogs when I can so that the girls can grow up with pets. BUT they are high energy and can easily jump all over and scratch up an adult, let alone a child. They can also snarl a bit over favourite toys.

I get that exh grew up in a generation where kids were largely left to it, and his upbringing was more neglectful than most. (Actually removed from the home by SS at one point)

So AIBU to say it's too young and how do I get him to stop doing it?

OP posts:
Bibesia · 22/07/2018 15:06

What does it matter why the 8 year old didn't want to go?

Original poster
WhoWants2Know · 22/07/2018 15:09

Did your ex read up?

Nope. He thinks he's the fucking dog whisperer. When he initially spoke about getting a rescue dog, I gave him criteria around age, size, reactivity, etc, and agreed to help out by supporting the girls to walk, groom and feed the dogs after school.

He followed none of the criteria and turned up with a pair of puppies.

OP posts:
ShesABelter · 22/07/2018 15:16

My dd is 9 in Oct no way would I leave her alone. My eldest was 10/11 when I started leaving her for ten mins. She 13.5 now and prefers to stay at home when the other two go to grandparents when I'm working in the hols.

MadameJosephine · 22/07/2018 15:17

Posted too soon

First step of dogs trust advice - never leave your child alone with a dog. This is unfair to both the child and the dogs. If one of them bites your DC they will probably be put to sleep and it will be your XH’s fault.

Dogs aside, 8 is too young to be left alone. I’m a health professional and would submit a safeguarding referral if I knew someone was routinely leaving a child of 8 home on their own

blueskiesandforests · 22/07/2018 15:18

The dogs are very significant - 2 medium size 7 month old rescue dogs prone to snarling. Leaving an 8 year old alone with those dogs is absolutely stupid and careless.

Leaving a sensible 8 year old (who knows the neighbors and how to use the land line, and to get up and walk outside and go to a prearranged neighbor or safe place if the fire alarm beeps) for 20 minutes totally alone watching TV is fine and a perfectly sensible part of gradually introducing independence.

Leaving them alone with dogs is putting them in danger even if the dog is a calm adult family pet. No sensible dog owner would do it, let alone a sensible parent.

mrsFruitLoops · 22/07/2018 15:20

He is totally out of order. My dc is 9 (almost 10) and isn't left alone bar a couple of minutes. 8 is too young to be left alone....so much could happen that they may not know how to react. (fire, accident, strangers at the door, etc)

I am also a dog lover....I have a big stupid dog who is so soft and loves my dc. Yet I know he can get giddy and hurt dc. I left them literally a couple of minutes while I brushed my teeth and came down to dc crying. dog had tried to eat cat foot and he tried to stop him, dog pulled away from him and scratched his leg/foot. It wasn't the dog being mean or aggressive, just a 9yr old who couldn't physically handle a dog and stop it misbehaving. (now I have to take the dog to the bathroom with me and wont leave them alone)

Add into that mix that these dogs are in an established "pack" and have been aggressive.... thats a big HUGE cross!!!!

Greenyogagirl · 22/07/2018 15:24

8 is too young and most mumsnetters don’t think dogs will attack but how many articles are there about a child left for 5 minutes and was mauled by granny’s dog who was the friendliest loveliest pet imaginable etc
And why would he take the older child and leave the younger one at home?!

Badbadtromance · 22/07/2018 15:29

Two huge aggressive dogs and a small 8 year old girl. It's madness!!

Rowgtfc72 · 22/07/2018 15:39

I used to leave my sensible 8 yr old alone for half an hour. Never with my dogs. My dogs were small and daft and had known dd all her life, but I would never have left them together.

UpstartCrow · 22/07/2018 15:47

WhoWants2Know, phone the NSPCC for advice. You are not overreacting.

A sensible 8 year old could be left at home for a short time if safety measures are put in place such as having phone numbers and a phone.
But an 8 year old shouldn't be left with 2 young rambunctious dogs.

No sensible rescue would have homed 2 littermates to the same home, especially a home where there is no one in for more than 4 hours a day.

Janleverton · 22/07/2018 15:49

My 8 year old will be 9 in September. I don’t leave him home alone, but sometimes with his 12 year old brother while I nip out (not for longer than 30-60mins). I would NEVER leave him alone with 2 dogs. My 12 year old, I leave. My 15 year old, hell yes. But 8/9 is too young imo for a protracted period of being left along, without even dogs in the mix too.

HellenaHandbasket · 22/07/2018 15:53

Why did he take the 10 yr old and leave the ( yr ol

smackbangwhollop · 22/07/2018 16:03

8 is too young and very different from 10. I started leaving my DS for very short 10 mins, 20 mins at 11. Now nearly 12 I leave him for 40 minutes max as that's all I'm comfortable with. I'll only do that if he has homework or something else he's engrossed in. Adding 2 rescue dogs with resource guarding issues into the mix and it's only a matter of time before something unpleasant happens.

It goes without saying that most men think about risks quite differently than women.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 22/07/2018 16:07

I’ve had this but only a couple of times. Ex left DS age 8 to go out and get a pizza, (one hour) and aged 10 at a small ‘friendly’ festival to wander around with his 10 year old friend in the evening.

I was angry about both occasions, and phoned Ex up to have a word. One of the only things I’ve ever complained about.

It’s very hard as on both of these I didn’t feel like it was something I could enforce through SS, unless he kept repeating it. And it was near the ages when some people would leave them alone, indeed I started to leave him for at home but from half hour upwards gradually during the day at I think age 10/11 (not sure which!).

However your Ex doesn’t regard this as a one off, and there are dogs (never worth the risk) so I would take it further. Maybe first step is get leaflet / child safety advice from the internet and about dogs to talk about with him. If he still won’t listen then talk to SS and / or childline and go back to him.

diddl · 22/07/2018 16:29

I don't think that I've ever read anything so arse about face before!

I'm guessing he doesn't see his daughters that often.

And when he does, he leaves one at home to look after the dogs??!!

He doesn't deserve to see his daughters.

What a complete & utter tosser he is.

Iwantaunicorn · 22/07/2018 16:33

I’m a dog person, I have two. Whilst I trust them with kids, I wouldn’t leave them unsupervised with kids, because given the right set of circumstances, they could break in to a fight, and the child could get bitten or worse. I know this isn’t strictly the point of your OP, but I don’t think any dog should be allowed unsupervised around children. I also think 8 is waaay too young to leave a child at home all day alone, even with a 10 year old. I was first left at home supervising my younger siblings at 13, and it was absolutely terrifying (I’d been out and about by myself at that point) as I was convinced someone would break in, so I carried a bottle of bleach around to blind them temporarily so we could get out. I think it’s way too much pressure on your kids, sorry!

Greenyogagirl · 22/07/2018 16:48

I agree *iwantaunicorn my dog is the size of a shoebox, looks like a pompom and is a bit dippy. I wouldn’t leave him with a child unsupervised

Original poster
WhoWants2Know · 22/07/2018 16:51

Recently he's had the girls overnight once a month so that I can work a 24h shift. I will probably just have to stop doing that unless I can arrange for them to sleep over with friends instead.

They do see him quite often since Easter because I often take the girls over after school and we look after the dogs until he's home. But I don't feel like I can trust him to look after the girls during the day over the summer holidays if he's going to do stuff like this.

OP posts:
ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 22/07/2018 16:54

With relevant safety precautions 8 is not too young to be left for appropriate lengths of time. However, relevant safety precautions absolutely do not include dogs!!!

Singlenotsingle · 22/07/2018 17:02

If the contact is not by order of the Court, I would seriously consider stopping it. I know it'll be inconvenient, and you need to work, but haven't you got dp's who can help out? (Sorry, I haven't read all the thread).

Dragongirl10 · 22/07/2018 17:06

Totally agree with other posters, 8 is too young to be left for more than a 10 minute nip mto the local shop.

I have had dogs all my life and would not leave an 8 or 10 year old with them EVER unsupervised.

This is a big issue op

Original poster
WhoWants2Know · 22/07/2018 18:55

No DPs, as mine are in a different country and he is pretty much estranged from his. But I can talk to my work about condensing my work over the holidays and I can also take some annual leave. He'll just have to deal with the concept of not seeing his kids unless I can be sure he's not going to leave either of them alone.

It's going to be a fight, because he's recently started complaining that they go to the childminder after school twice a week and "why can't DD10 just go to his and look after the dogs?"

I've told him repeatedly, that even besides being too young, I want the girls to be in a supervised home environment and playing outdoors with other kids-- not sitting on their own with an iPad being unpaid dog minders because of HIS idiot choice to get puppies.

So if he doesn't want to listen to me, I'll find someone he will listen to.

OP posts:
1CantPickAName · 22/07/2018 19:08

Yes, it is ridiculous that he thinks they can be left alone without Childcare over the summer. And yes, leaving children and dogs together isn’t advised. But (and I know I’m going to be shot down in flames) he is their father. He has just as much right as mum to raise them as he sees fit! Mum can’t dictate to him how to parent his children or refuse him access to his children because she doesn’t agree with his parenting choices.

Singlenotsingle · 22/07/2018 19:09

The children need to be looked after by a responsible person. NOT having to look after dogs themselves, as unpaid dogsitters! I think I'd be saying they can't go to his house until he's rehomed the dogs. You can't trust him!

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