DH doesn’t respect me

[Mummytowooter]

DH likes to go out with work friends every now and again. I have no problem with that but...
He always comes home in a state!
In addition he’s the boss and I really think he should ensure he maintains his professionalism!
When he comes home he;

1. Absolutely reeks of alcohol
2. Usually wakes DD (she’s 5)
3. Vomits loudly (sonic she isn’t awake at this point she now will be)
4. He’s such a state with a hangover the next day he cannot function and as a family we literally lose the entire day!
5. He knows my mum was an alcoholic when I was very young and I struggle when he’s in a state as it brings back horrific memories for me (the smell triggers something in me)

I admit in the past I’ve had issues with jealously following him kissing another woman and i’ve worked really hard on myself to move past it. I do trust him so that’s not an issue. He has asked me previously not to bug him while he’s out-just a text here or there and I’m ok with that but still communication on his part is non-existent. It’s 23:21pm and I still don’t know what time he intends on getting home! He said he would call “in a minute” and that was an hour ago!!! I need to know AIBU?

Therein lies part of the problem. You perhaps can't change the way he behaves but you can change your reaction to him. Worrying about his safety is out of proportion to the danger and how are you going to cope when your kids are teenagers going out all hours?

I think it’s ok to have a night out drinking and he didn’t get home that late but the loud vomiting is not acceptable if he gets in that stage each time. That must be frightening for your daughter.

It really upsets her and how do I even explain!?
I worry far too much I know that I do.

I completely agree with lethal. I think you’re controlling and projecting and that isn’t fair on him. It’s not his job to appease you by never going out for a few beers just because your mum was an alcoholic. And no, kicking him is not ok even if it is once in 20 years. I’d leave my husband if he kicked me.

He is not responsible for your happiness or your past.

changing your reaction is the only ''power'' you have.

I presume you're not rolling around in money, if you and your dd check in to a local hotel next time he comes home drunk..............

I think he's very inconsiderate to your feelings given your mother's alcoholism. He KNOWS how this distresses you and he's basically saying ''your distress changes nothing''

But, my parents hardly drink, never seen either of them outright drunk and I would hate what you describe.

When did I ever mention I didn’t want him to go out wellfuckme?

I don't understand why you worry about him being safe/ok?? He is a 40 yr old man!

I can’t continue to defend myself. Some of you have taken my OP and beaten me with it-thanks for that! You’re clearly perfect-we’ll done ✅
For those of you that have offered a well thought out and fair opinion I thank you. ❤️

I think you need to have a long think about your relationship.

I’m not saying either party is right or wrong but it’s clearly having an impact upon your DD. If she is being woken up by her parents behaving in an inappropriate fashion that is not good.

My parents had a fairly dis functional relationship and the fights I witnessed have affected me.

I do have sympathy for you but is this what you want in life?

I think he’s out of order op. Enjoy a drink but not to the extent that he is ill and can’t join in family activities the next day when you have a small child.

Well you make it practically impossible for him to go out given that you constantly berate him if he does. I am a long way from perfect but I have never kicked my husband.

Berate him? When did I say I berate him? Do you know what that means? I’m not trying to patronise you (although I really don’t give a shit if I have) but I’m not entirely sure you’ve used that word in the correct context 😁

Its 3 or 4 times a year and hes home at midnight

This.

And vomiting is grim, but I'm not gonna throw stones, we've all been there. You don't realise you're going to get sick till you do, and its next to impossible to do it quietly.

I have read threads like this on here before though. Not to generalise but it seems kids of alcoholic parents can really struggle with what is relatively "normal" cultural drinking and the loss of control around it.

Btw. How would you classify what you’re doing to me?

Elspeth. I fully accept that to be the case

Btw he does know I gave him a kick. He wasn’t happy about t but we were able to talk about it and it’s agreed it won’t be happening again. EVER! So you’ll be pleased to know there was no kicking last night 👍🏻

I mean, he was in contact at 10.30, at 11.30, at midnight and also around 12.30 (or thereabouts) when he was almost home, whereupon you lost your shit at him so much you woke the child.

This is not somebody going incommunicado! This is not somebody staying out all night on a mad bender!

There is no need for this level of stress in this particular instance!

All I wanted was to know he was safe and what time he would be home. He was on his way at 12:30 before I knew that so I think he was out of order on that front

How horrible for you! Especially since he knows of your issues around alcohol.

Just for the record he DOES have a tricky relationship with alcohol. You said once he starts he can’t stop. That is a problematic drinker.

He may not drink every day but binge drinking when going out isn’t someone who has a healthy relationship with booze. Most people at 40 who don’t have an alcohol problem go out for one or two and certainly don’t vomit on their return.

If his hangovers are stopping g him from functioning the next day, it’s a problem.

Sorry to be frank. Hope today gets better xx

It’s deifnately a problem. Today is a right off 😢

Sorry to hear that. It must be frustrating.

I used to be your husband. My partner is not controlling at all. He just knew whenever I started to drink, the next day would be a right off. He lousy hated me drinking. I drank to relieve anxiety and of course could never stop. My hangovers were just awful.

Anyway I don’t drink anymore. I recognised what was going on eventually and made changes. I don’t miss it one bit.

Take care x

Thank you notsohippychick. I think some have missed that point of my OP. I know I have my issues but neither I nor my daughter deserve the aftermath of a binge drinkers night out x

My partner didn’t deserve it either. He’s not awful, he not a tyrant he just knew every time what was coming. That made him hyper sensitive and always on high alert when I was around alcohol!

Totally get it xx

That sounds like me tbh. I’m fine day to day but when he’s out I’m a mess x