DH doesn’t respect me

[Mummytowooter]

DH likes to go out with work friends every now and again. I have no problem with that but...
He always comes home in a state!
In addition he’s the boss and I really think he should ensure he maintains his professionalism!
When he comes home he;

1. Absolutely reeks of alcohol
2. Usually wakes DD (she’s 5)
3. Vomits loudly (sonic she isn’t awake at this point she now will be)
4. He’s such a state with a hangover the next day he cannot function and as a family we literally lose the entire day!
5. He knows my mum was an alcoholic when I was very young and I struggle when he’s in a state as it brings back horrific memories for me (the smell triggers something in me)

I admit in the past I’ve had issues with jealously following him kissing another woman and i’ve worked really hard on myself to move past it. I do trust him so that’s not an issue. He has asked me previously not to bug him while he’s out-just a text here or there and I’m ok with that but still communication on his part is non-existent. It’s 23:21pm and I still don’t know what time he intends on getting home! He said he would call “in a minute” and that was an hour ago!!! I need to know AIBU?

Yanbu
My dh sounds a lot like yours
I really wish he could enjoy a drink and come home 'normal'
I'm not sure what the answer is..my stomach is in knots every time he goes out. It's nerve racking and he can't see how much pain it causes me!

The suggestion was film him without consent ,use footage to berate him
Can you not grasp,filming without consent to get collateral on dp to win an argument,it sucks
If one can’t find the words to articulate why they feel angry that’s their issue to address,the answer isn’t filming/photography of dp without their consent
So if as an adult you don’t have a voice or cannot express dissatisfaction in relationship, work on that. The answer is not on your iphone

So sorry blue

@Mummytowooter it's horrible! He can't have a healthy relationship with alcohol.
I completely understand where you are coming from.. my mum also has alcohol issues... her father did and it rubbed off on her.
He was abusive, violent and generally a horrible human. He died 20 years ago and It makes me happy to know that he is burning in the fires of hell.
My dh has said that he is willing to give up the drink until Christmas. I'll not hold my breath but here's hoping that it makes a change
Hugs to you... I hope you and your dd have a lovely day tomorrow xx

Lipstick I’m sorry to bang on but it’s gone beyond finding words.
When you are dealing with someone you love very much who has a problem, they inevitably have absolutely no recollection of their behaviour.
If you’ve tried everything else, I really don’t think it’s so dreadful to show them the horror they put you through.
They are incapable of giving consent. And in many cases may be so appalled at seeing themselves in such a state that they might think twice about life choices and what they’ve got to lose if they continue

I don’t think your banging on,we are both simply expressing opposing POV
One shouldn’t film their dp or put them in a compromising position because they can’t articulate dissatisfaction
That responsibility sits with the person who can’t find their voice,they need to find ways to be heard that don’t involve filming without consent

I reckon someone who’s so pissed they can’t find their own arse with two hands and an atlas is in the same boat?
Many people have found their voice but no one is listening, is it still their problem?

Lipstick if I was acting like OP has said her DH has been and they'd tried to talk to him rationally countless times about this behaviour and how triggering they find it, then yeah I wouldn't mind being filmed if it highlighted the way I was acting and made me aware of how I'm effecting my family, if he's drinking to the point of blacking out then he probably doesn't realise how poorly he's behaving when he gets in to these states and should be made aware of this, it isn't to embarrass him or whatever but to allow him to see what's going on when verbally telling him hasn't worked.

I think yabu. You are projecting your childhood issues onto your husband.

I think it’s nonsense that he needs to update you throughout the evening. You aren’t his keeper- why act so jealous and controlling?

You kicked him?

Bizarre how your child will tell him he smells of alcohol - my kids have never mentioned this at all ever to me and DH

You said it’s a few times a year. Loosen up!

I would give it a few days and talk to him about it. Try to find a compromise, maybe say he can go out every three months and have a big night (just an example) or maybe that he can't come home and wake your child. If he keeps doing as he likes I suggest being very loud the next morning and really be mean.

You seem very determined to make a massive issue out of this. So carry on with what youre doing. You seem to have anger issues too.

Its 3 or 4 times a year and hes home at midnight. Hardly terrible

I’m not his keeper! As his wife and person sat at home like a dickhead it would be nice to know that 1) he’s ok and 2) what time he’s coming home. In my OP I did say I’m happy with an occasional text so no, not a second by second account.

And yes rightly or wrongly I kicked him. Once! In twenty fucking years! And yes it’s unacceptable. I don’t think once in 20 years qualifies as an anger issue really

And no my child doesn’t tell him he smells of alcohol. She tells him when he smells of anything including farts! FGS she’s 5!

My mum was an alcoholic too. I struggle with seeing people drunk, it makes me feel anxious in a way I can't explain. But I fully acknowledge that this is my problem, and in our culture it's fairly normal to be drunk sometimes.

His past behaviour is unnaceptable, he should avoid getting so drunk he vomits. That's ridiculous. But this is a few times a year, OP, he's not going out regularly and coming home steaming. It's three or four nights out of 365. Your level of anxiety about this is over the top from what you've written here.

DH used to be like this, before we had children and he grew up a bit. He'd insist that I text him while I'm out to 'make sure I was ok' and tell him what time I'd be home. It was controlling. He'd also go and sleep somewhere else when I was home and give me the cold shoulder if I was up late the next day. It was horrible, and it started to make me feel it was easier to not go out.

Regardless of your anxieties, which I understand completely btw, you are being controlling.

Do you get nights out too?

I go for a meal with friends every now and then. I don’t drink and he knows what time I’m coming home.

I don’t want to be controlling 😢

I don't understand the point of sitting up waiting for a partner to come home drunk. Just go to bed surely and forget about the drunken fool

Exactly lethal the amount of women who come on here fretting that there dp has gone for a night out is ridiculous.

He’s a grown up. He’s gone for a few beers or ten......a few times a year is no big issue.

My own dh goes out numerous times a month. He snores, and gets hangovers but by god I’m not going to shoot him for it.

It’s a very unattractive trait to try to inhibit a persons fun!

You never see a man coming on fretting that his DW has gone for a night out. He would get shot on here!

Op your problem is you were anxious that he had gone out. Partly due to your childhood and imo partly due to insecurity. If he was going to do anything with a woman you’d not be able to prevent it. Where there’s a will there’s always a way.

Focus on improving your own self esteem so that in the future your dp can go out with your full blessing. It’s only a couple of hours

It might be good for you to go to alanon over your childhood with an alcoholic parent or have counselling. You would then be clearer in your mind as to whether your dh has an alcohol problem or not. My dh has no capacity for alcohol. He gets sick after a few drinks..not many. But he discovered that years ago after 2 bad experiences and never drinks more than 2 now. Your dh is stupid not to have learnt his lesson or has an alcohol problem. My ds is like his dad with no capacity to hold drink. In his 20s he has decided not to drink at all as it doesn't suit him.
You can't make him stop but can decide what you will deal with . So don't engage with him drunk or massively hungover. Dont clean up after him or make excuses for him. Maybe go out for the day and ignore him. But something has to change. I couldn't have someone come into my home plastered and puking. Its horrible.

Recovery position and Give him some dioralyte,and analgesia

OP is a nurse. She's not her husband's nurse. She should leave him to it.

OP I think his behaviour towards you, kissing someone else in front of you and then denying it was hugely disrespectful. I don't know about his behaviour now. But I'm not surprised you don't trust him. Please think about getting some counselling for yourself to think about your needs and boundaries. You can be honest there about how your relationship really is and think about what you want going forwards.

I don't think you're intending to be controlling but some people would find it intrusive being asked for updates at all when they're out having fun. When my bf goes out drinking, I go to bed when I usually would. Don't hear him come in, don't care what time he gets home. He's an adult so why would I check up on him?

I do think your partner should have changed though now you have a child because he's equally responsible for her and should be looking after her with you today not lying around with a hangover.

So for those of you who think I’m a controlling nut case...

Is his behaviour when he’s drunk acceptable? Please refer to OP 👍🏻

His drunken behaviour is not great at all but I would not ruin my own nights sleep over a dh on the piss. When I first married him I used to want texts saying when he might come home, now I don't care. He's a big boy.

I do try and go to bed but I worry that he’s safe

He’s worked away on occasion and I know he’s been in a state then but I can go to bed fine because I know he’s with colleagues in a hotel not the high street with a load of piss heads