‘It’s easy to spend someone else’s money’

[AlexaShutTheFuckUp]

How would you respond to this? The context was I was talking to a very long standing friend (albeit one I haven’t seen for years). She is starting over and I was saying that I have loads of stuff in the garage that she can have, kitchen stuff, curtains, odd bits of furniture etc.

I said that it’s all decent stuff, I just get bored and replace things. And she replied with the above.

I am a SAHM and we are comfortably off, we have a fairly large detached house (which she ‘jokingly’ commented about my cleaning standards of) and I think there’s an element of taking me down a peg. We grew up together and she always was a bit competitive tbh.

I’m trying to be gentle with her as she has been through hell, hence having no belongings and no current home, but I’m bracing myself for more of this.

Any ideas for pithy comebacks and/or ways to rise above it? I’m tempted to let her have these little moments of cattiness for now, without a row, but I’d like to be able to shut it down eventually. I have appalling mental health and tend to really internalise comments like this so it does need to be nipped in the bud for my own (literal) sanity.

"You mispronounced 'thank you'."

wow! Id be pretty pissed off. Im a SAHM too and it is not 'someone elses money' wtf?!?! It is your money which you have made together... you facilitate the making of that money by taking care of the home and the children in order for your partner to work as much as needed.

Idve told her to fuck off to be honest.
Given that she has had a hard time and you care about her maybe you wont want to do that, but at the very least I think you should pull her up on it and correct her if she says anything like that again. Just say 'its OUR money' and give her the dead stare. Just cut it dead without making a big fuss. It wont actually make her feel any better to try and 'take you down a peg' anyway so you arent really doing her any favours if you let her get away with it.

I always challenge strange comments. Not in a rude way but I'm quite (very) direct so I just say something like.."why did you say that/what a strange thing to say/what do you mean by that". Then I get an answer of sorts and I then don't stew over it afterwards.

She’s jealous and wants you to feel bad/guilty.

Say it’s our money, as in its family money.

It's our money just as it's our children that need looking after.

"You mispronounced 'thank you'."

This 100%. Then I’d tell her to fuck off. How rude and ungrateful.

I like robindeers answer 😂

Clearly she is jealous and I would probably just every time she says something like that respond with “ok”. I think any attempts to explain or justify to her will kind of “feed” her and it’s better to just ignore or respond blandly.

I do like ‘you mispronounced thank you’.

I just hope this is all just her feeling raw and defensive, and not just how our dynamic is going to be now she’s back on the scene. I do love her very much but if she pulls me down too much I’ll have to cut her out, as much as I would hate that.

Depends, you know her and we don't. Is she feeling humiliated and possibly that your (kind and generous, don't get me wrong!) offer was rubbing her nose in it a bit? Goodness knows I can be stupidly oversensitive if I'm feeling like a failure.

I don't think there's anything wrong at all with being completely straight with her- "I do understand you have been through an awful time and aren't at your best but that doesn't mean it's OK to be unpleasant to me."

It’s a mean thing to say but also I can see how galling it could be for her to be (seemingly) left with nothing and have a well off friend offer her stuff she’s ‘bored’ of. Maybe it looks to her like you have an easy life and she is feeling jealous and defensive. If she keeps on putting you down I’d definitely speak to her but if you say ‘you mispronounced thank you’ you’ll probably come across supercilious and patronising. Hopefully you’ll birth get over it!

Was she like this before OP?
I'd have been pissed off wirh that comment too. Really snide.

Also why don’t you just speak to her rather than make a pithy comment? It won’t make you feel better.

I love robindeer’s response!

I’d call her on it now tbh .... a simple ‘that was unkind’ would do it for me

I think that’s exactly it, I think she is understandably prickly about her situation and I’m a comfortable and easy target for her to snark at.

The daft thing is I was in her exact position about 15 years ago, homeless with young DC having to start from scratch, for the same reasons. So for me it’s not ‘charity’, it’s paying it forward.

I think I’ll find the right moment and just say that I’m finding her digs quite personal and hurtful (there’s an element of ‘banter’ about it all) so could she please STFU.

With a friend surely you can say "ooh, saucer of milk with that comment!?"

It doesn’t sound like a very nice thing to say in the first place -oh I have a load of old things in the garage I am bored of, you can just take them if you like. Maybe you should rise above it - “you mispronounced thank you” just sounds like more of the same

Saying "I get bored and replace stuff" sounds like you are doing her a favour by giving her your cast-offs.

Why not turn it around and say "I don't have room for this stuff, anything you would like? You are most welcome to it."

I think a pronounced 'start' and a "that was pretty unkind" should do it.

Yes, she's having a tough time but that doesn't mean she's allowed to be a bitch to you.
Next sarcastic comment she gives address with her directly as PP above has said. If she continues, cut her off. She doesn't seem like a true friend, tbh.

I'd say 'You misprounced No thank you, as I assume you don't want the stuff'. There's no need for her to be nasty or try to belittle you.

Zsazs what? She has nothing. I have perfectly good stuff she can have, the only reason I made the bored comment was to illustrate that it’s not old knackered stuff. How on earth is that not nice?

I didn’t just randomly drop it into conversation either, it was within a conversation about what she will need.

Don't mention it again. She can ask.

Just as some perspective. I am not a SAHM (or a M) but did once give a close family member a lot of money each month to help them out of a bad spot. It was entirely willing on my part and they were very grateful and never took it for granted.

Still, when having a particularly shitty time at work, I was having a moan to them and they suggested I change jobs. I think it was just too close to the mark as I was feeling trapped and helpess so I retorted something along the lines of "SOMEONE has to work round here". It was a shitty thing to say but is was driven by my desperation and anger at my situation.

I wonder if something similar might be going on here?

p.s. they didn't let me get away with it, but that doesn't mean they didn't have compassion or forgive me. I think they replied calmly but said something like "that wasn't fair and I didn't deserve that".

Um. If she has no current home, would she even have anywhere to use/put this stuff you're offering? I think that, with the best of intentions, you may have been making her feel even worse.

she has been through hell, hence having no belongings and no current home

In such circumstances a very long standing friend of mine would get an awful lot of slack, even if they were being a dick. Although frankly sarcasm such as you describe would not register from an old friend- I'd just rip 'em back.

I think I’ll find the right moment and just say that I’m finding her digs quite personal and hurtful (there’s an element of ‘banter’ about it all) so could she please STFU.

That, but gently. No point snarking back of you are genuinely bothered- just be open and honest, but perhaps go easy. Plenty of time to kick her if she's still being a dickhead when she's in a better place.