‘It’s easy to spend someone else’s money’

[AlexaShutTheFuckUp]

How would you respond to this? The context was I was talking to a very long standing friend (albeit one I haven’t seen for years). She is starting over and I was saying that I have loads of stuff in the garage that she can have, kitchen stuff, curtains, odd bits of furniture etc.

I said that it’s all decent stuff, I just get bored and replace things. And she replied with the above.

I am a SAHM and we are comfortably off, we have a fairly large detached house (which she ‘jokingly’ commented about my cleaning standards of) and I think there’s an element of taking me down a peg. We grew up together and she always was a bit competitive tbh.

I’m trying to be gentle with her as she has been through hell, hence having no belongings and no current home, but I’m bracing myself for more of this.

Any ideas for pithy comebacks and/or ways to rise above it? I’m tempted to let her have these little moments of cattiness for now, without a row, but I’d like to be able to shut it down eventually. I have appalling mental health and tend to really internalise comments like this so it does need to be nipped in the bud for my own (literal) sanity.

Don't worry too much. You have realised it was a bit insensitive to mention that you are bored with that stuff. Hope both of you move on from this soon.

You were tactless and she shouldn't have said it out loud even if she thought it.

She's right though, very easy to waste money when it's someone else's and you haven't worked for it.

To be so upset by your friend's comment, she has obviously hit rock bottom a half decent friend would give her as much slack as she needs, not be on the net moaning I don't normally give advice, but OP your social skills do seem to be lacking.

I mean, she's not wrong is she ?

You are spending someone else money,so she’s not wrong
It’s your husband salary in a shared account you have access to
I know mn has fancy semantics and someone will rock up saying it’s family money

@LipstickHandbagCoffee - right. If OPs husband wanted to buy a new car cause he was bored of his current one you know mumsnet would be using the "family money" line to argue that he shouldn't be "allowed" to do it.

Her comment was definitely rude and inappropriate. But I think we way you phrased your comment probably came across as condescending. She's starting from scratch and it sounded like you were (inadvertently) rubbing her nose in it by talking about all the spare stuff you have because you got bored and bought new stuff. You can see how that might look pretty condescending to her. Doesn't excuse her being rude to you, but she was possibly feeling small and lashing out because of it.

Lipstick you're very obtuse. Or just goady.

That’s good that it’s all made a positive difference! She is obviously hurting and your comment was (unintentionally) insensitive. Best to let it go and be a good friend. If she said something like that again, best to say something like, “that was unfair”. Your objection should be to how she treated you not that she is ungrateful for your stuff.

I agree that it came across badly. As I said earlier it was just to make it clear that I wasn’t offering her my old shit.

And ‘bored with’ was shorthand really for ‘we moved house and I changed a load of stuff’ but she’s not a mind reader so wouldn’t know that.

I have to say though that this isn’t the first little dig she’s had about my life, there have been many comments since she’s been here about my lazy arsed ways, my lack of cleaning skills, stuff from our teens. As I said, I think we need to redraw the boundaries a bit because I don’t really do ‘teasing’ like that.

Also I don’t work anymore due to crappy MH but always worked FT until about four years ago. So it was ‘my’ money I spent anyway.

It’s a statement of fact, it is someone else money (her dp)
And the mn mantra on such things is yes it’s his salary but they both earn it
Yea,sure thing

Lipstick - fine, as long as the DP would be happy to take over or pay someone else to take over her duties if she went back to work.
In most situations where one person is a SAM, it's because that is what both partners have decided is what's best for the family as a whole. Following that, it would then be unreasonable for the working partner to be possessive over "their" money.

Yep, DH has had several promotions since I’ve been at home. He wouldn’t be able to work really without paying a nanny and cleaner at least. He’s out of the house by 6.30am and not home until teatime, and he usually does an extra couple of hours in the evening. Someone has to do the school run, parent the kids while he works and do all the cooking and cleaning.

Plus no one wants me working, I would only earn about a sixth of his wages so after paying for childcare etc we’d probably be worse off. Plus, you know, mental case.

I find it very hard to give away my second hand stuff to friends even if the items are of good quality. I would not know what to say to indicate that it is good because ultimately it is my used and discarded goods which is potentially demeaning to someone else to accept. I might blurt something like the OP but that would have come out wrong, as per her friends' reaction.

OP, your heart is in the right place but this is a minefield. I often just give to charity to save myself the embarrassment and hassle. It is best to just ask your friend to see if there is anything she likes without saying more.

The Six Day War. Drip irrigation. The 1940s actress Hedy Lamarr patented an invention which is later used for modern wireless communications including wifi and Bluetooth - perfect marriage of beauty and brains.

oops, wrong thread!

@Lipstick and @Stirner I agree. I don’t go for the whole family money thing. And for people saying “well as long as he’d be happy to pay a nanny instead” well yes, he’s already paying his partner to stay at home so it wouldn’t make any difference would it! I’ve also got crap MH OP, attempted suicide and been close to sectioning multiple times and I do understand how difficult that makes working, but I’ve always been of the opinion that removing myself from the workplace would only serve to alienate me from society and impact my mental health further because I’d lose any kind of distraction or purpose

I'd try to ignore it. Even the nicest people feel resentment sometimes and say things that are not well thought out and they don't really mean.

If you value the friendship, let it go. Perhaps in future not say you just like buying new things, especially to someone who can't afford to do the same.

I've been homeless and would have been so grateful. Just because you are in a bad situation doesn't mean you have to be offended by those in a better situation.

I suppose the only thing I'd suggest is listen and ask questions about what she is going through as well as coming at her with loads of suggestions.

And for people saying “well as long as he’d be happy to pay a nanny instead” well yes, he’s already paying his partner to stay at home so it wouldn’t make any difference would I

It ought not to but it does. When put in the position of actually advertising, employing, managing and doing thefinanicial accounting for a nanny, as well as a cleaner, the SAHM can suddenly look like quite a bargain.

I don't see why you have to put up with someone like that, OP. I'm a firm believer in gratitude. If she is going to be snippy to you when you are helping her out, how would she be when it is her turn to lend you a hand?

Tricky one, OP. She sounds like Margaret Thatcher with that famous quote! I think you’ve accepted that you might have triggered her, with the best of intentions, so only time will tell whether this is correct, or whether she’s actually just a bit sharp and unpleasant these days. I think all you can do is to be your usual self and see how she is on the next two or three occasions. Hopefully all will be fine.

Um - anyone who thinks it’s not family money should ask themselves why family law/the courts award alimony and divorce settlements. The judge doesn’t say to the stay at home parent, “ah, it’s all his/her salary that paid for it, so you get nothing!”

It’s also a very depressing way to look at family life. Do you ask permission to make yourself a cup of tea because your husband bought the teabags and pays the leccy bill? In fact, any partner who felt that because he/she worked, they were entitled to all the money would be emotionally/financially abusing in my view.

When I moved into my current flat, the first I’d bought, my bestie was very envious. She kept telling me how lucky I was. It wasn’t luck, it was hard work. She also kept having little dogs about the decor, the area etc etc. Her marriage had broken down and she’d stayed at my rented place for free while i was away. It’s the way some people react to others having more. They seem to need you to feel they’re doing you a favour by accepting help.

I'm definitely in the 'family money' camp.
Lots of households with a sahp have enough money coming in to support the family, but it wouldn't stretch to paying a nanny ( esp when you factor in that you might need a bigger house to accommodate her, she will need use of a car ).
Then of course there's the fact that many people don't want to outsource childcare anyway.
Yes, both partners can work ft, but many end up paying the equivalent of one wage to the nursery, to do what they would prefer to do themselves.

My dh works very hard and I know full well that he is earning his wage. But I also know the ability to do so is massively helped by not having to be responsible for home life, for being able to travel and do the extra qualifications necessary to progress. So yes, I do feel I am helping him to earn and so our money is shared.
Also we are married - a unit. Back when we started out and I was working and he wasn't, our money was still ours.

Of course it’s family money and I find usually those that think otherwise have husbands or partners that are financially controlling/abusive and just plain tight/selfish.

We lived abroad for a number of years, due to the strict employment laws I couldn’t work legally. So I of course ran the home, 3 DC, did all the usual would be expected with that. I had earned before and I do now but at that time I couldn’t so to the naysayers, what would you expect in that situation. Starve? Go without? Beg?

DH earns a lot more than I do but it all goes into the joint account and it’s our money. I work part time, so I can do the things that need doing , things he can’t be home for etc. Some people set their bars low and are envious of those that do not.