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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘It’s easy to spend someone else’s money’

117 replies

AlexaShutTheFuckUp · 21/07/2018 20:09

How would you respond to this? The context was I was talking to a very long standing friend (albeit one I haven’t seen for years). She is starting over and I was saying that I have loads of stuff in the garage that she can have, kitchen stuff, curtains, odd bits of furniture etc.

I said that it’s all decent stuff, I just get bored and replace things. And she replied with the above.

I am a SAHM and we are comfortably off, we have a fairly large detached house (which she ‘jokingly’ commented about my cleaning standards of) and I think there’s an element of taking me down a peg. We grew up together and she always was a bit competitive tbh.

I’m trying to be gentle with her as she has been through hell, hence having no belongings and no current home, but I’m bracing myself for more of this.

Any ideas for pithy comebacks and/or ways to rise above it? I’m tempted to let her have these little moments of cattiness for now, without a row, but I’d like to be able to shut it down eventually. I have appalling mental health and tend to really internalise comments like this so it does need to be nipped in the bud for my own (literal) sanity.

OP posts:
ImAIdoot · 22/07/2018 08:10

However, telling a person who has found found herself with nothing, "Its all good stuff, I just get bored and replace things" was I'll-judged, insensitive and tactless. She shouldn't have responded as she did, but I'm not surprised she felt a bit sore after your comment.

Yeah. It seems to me like OP was trying to find a way to NOT make a big deal of helping, and unintentionally achieved something else.

@OP your friend probably has other things on her mind, but when appropriate I would explain to her, and maybe apologise for unintentionally sounding awful. After that I would calmly make the point that it's not someone else's money, though. If there's one sahp your household is a team effort and that income is there because of both of you, it also means you work too hard for people to be considering you some kind of freeloader.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 22/07/2018 08:34

We have a joint account and joint savings but, like lipstick, I don't believe for one moment I helped DH earn his salary and I'm capable of earning mine as an adult alone. I'm not feeble and don't need another adult to do my job.

Parenting, cooking, cleaning etc is just what adults do. Most do that and work.

Lethaldrizzle · 22/07/2018 08:41

When I work and dh looks after the kids I consider the money I earn to be both of ours cos he's looking after our kids. Of course it's not spending someone else's money if it's an agreed arrangement. What cockwobbling nonsense!

givemesteel · 22/07/2018 08:43

I would probably just say "yes you're right

SoyDora · 22/07/2018 08:45

I’m a SAHM and the money is our money because DH shares it with me. He would never say it’s his money, he’d say it’s our money. So why would I argue differently? ‘No darling its all yours, you earned it’.
I assume the OP’s DH was happy for her to replace the household items/soft furnishings, and that he also benefits from the replacements?
I’d probably keep quiet about it for now OP, I can see why you worded it in the way you did (trying to reassure her that it’s decent stuff, not just scruffy cast offs) but can also see why it got her back up a bit. If she’s got form for this kind of comment though as you say I’d just keep an eye on the situation and wouldn’t hesitate to say something if it continues.

Seriousquestion09 · 22/07/2018 08:54

I guess the good thing about continuing to work ft and pay for childcare is when you no longer need it then you can carry on with your own career and independence. Of course this depends on what type of career or work you have done in the first place before becoming SAH.

There are countless women who have been f’d over by men who suddenly became less reasonable about their wives being SAH once the pressure of one income set in or perhaps if they had an affair.

SoyDora · 22/07/2018 08:57

This wasn’t really a thread about the pros and cons of being a SAHM though was it? I’m sure the OP had thought carefully about her position, as have most SAHM’s I know.

thethoughtfox · 22/07/2018 09:00

The old MN 'Did you mean to be so rude?'

5LeafClover · 22/07/2018 09:24

Hi OP has the balance of your friendship always been equal? It sounds a bit like you are wanting her to acknowledge that you have really stepped up here because you are her friend (so it was important that she recognized that it was good stuff, not crap). Meantime she wants to show that she is still the same level as you (so she's trying to do banter about housework being difficult or life is easier if you have a partner) because she can only accept help based on friendship not charity...

Anyway the point of this long post is that old friends are hard to make and tough to lose. You don't have to enter a war of snipey comments and one upmanship ( and it sounds like it would stress you out anyway) and it doesn't have to go back to whatever your teenage dynamic was.You are grown women now and old friends. Next time she hurts your feelings just say something along the lines of 'Ouch that felt a bit harsh, is everything ok?' and see where that takes you.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/07/2018 09:25

I don't believe for one moment I helped DH earn his salary and I'm capable of earning mine as an adult alone. I'm not feeble and don't need another adult to do my job. Whereas I know my DH could not do his job had I not supported him in going to university in his 30s, agreeing that his working away was acceptable to us as a couple, supporting him during 10 months of no work, no money, letting him make the choice that was best for him, managing our lives around his work schedule, etc, etc

And then I couldn't be running my own business now had he not supported me through university in my 30s, I couldn't have walked away form my new career without his support, sat on my arse recovering from the stress of it, discovering an odd work opportunity and setting myself up as a self employed Sole Trader.

Neither of us are feeble, but we both know that the money coming into the household is there because we worked together as a team. Neither one if us would be doing what we are doing now if it weren't for the support of the other.

Maybe it's just a matter of perspective...

harshbuttrue1980 · 22/07/2018 09:29

If you really wanted to help, how come you didn't offer to let her stay with you when she was homeless? I can see why she might not have been happy to be offered your cast offs, she might have felt patronized.
To those who believe in family money, does that mean that a sahm whose partner is a minimum wage earner isn't as valuable as the sahm of a rich man? As according to your logic a man can only work if he has a woman sat at home to help him work.also, paying a child minder is clearly cheaper than paying for a sahm for a rich man. If he earns 200,000 a year for example, does anyone really believe the sahm contribution to be 100,000?? You could get a child minder and cleaner much cheaper than this as they wouldn't expect the designer clothes, fancy car, holidays etc that the sahm would demand.

SoyDora · 22/07/2018 09:34

To those who believe in family money, does that mean that a sahm whose partner is a minimum wage earner isn't as valuable as the sahm of a rich man?

WTF? ‘Family money’ means that all money coming into the household belongs to the family rather than the individual, regardless of who has earned it. It has nothing to do with ‘worth’ or ‘value’. When I earned more than DH all our money was family money. Now I’m a SAHM all the money is family money too. When I go back to work, the money will go into the family pot. We don’t define our worth to the family by how much we earn at any given moment in time, thankfully.

Original poster
AlexaShutTheFuckUp · 22/07/2018 09:36

Again, without being too outing, she is staying somewhere very comfortable and very near to me. It’s just not permanent, although she can stay there until she is housed.

And genuine LOL at designer clothes, fancy cars and holiday. I’m Primarni and UK hols all the way. And I don’t drive. So stick that up yer bum.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlexaShutTheFuckUp · 22/07/2018 09:37

Some lovely, thoughtful posts here though, so thank you for those. I can certainly see it from her view now and feel much better (if a bit embarrassed) about the whole thing.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 22/07/2018 09:39

as they wouldn't expect the designer clothes, fancy car, holidays etc that the sahm would demand

All SAHM’s demand these things do they? News to me Grin. We have a high family income, and I’ve never worn a designer piece of clothing and I drive a second hand Peugeot 207. All our ‘extra’ money goes on paying down the mortgage, investements and saving for the DC’s school fees.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/07/2018 09:39

To those who believe in family money, does that mean that a sahm whose partner is a minimum wage earner isn't as valuable as the sahm of a rich man? I have no idea what that question even means. Or are you asserting that a SAHP is the posession of the working person?

As according to your logic a man can only work if he has a woman sat at home to help him work or woman, don't forget, women can work too!

And no, as I outlined, DH and I both work as we do now because we suported each other. Had either of us wanted to be SAHP then that too would have been a mutually supportive decision.

Why do you want to reduce sahM to money spending irrelavencies?

SoyDora · 22/07/2018 09:42

And I’m a bit baffled at the suggestion that a family holiday is only for the benefit of the SAHP. Do you think all working parents are being brow beaten into taking family holidays by their sponging spouse and they’re hating every minute?? Some weird assumptions on this thread

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 22/07/2018 09:43

When I work and dh looks after the kids I consider the money I earn to be both of ours cos he's looking after our kids. Of course it's not spending someone else's money if it's an agreed arrangement. What cockwobbling nonsense!

Exactly!

I just sense jealousy in a lot of it. It’s about support and being a team. What sort of man or woman would say I earn it, it’s mine. You only stay at home and raise the children we agreed to have oh and look after the home we all own and live in. An awful one that’s who.

Original poster
AlexaShutTheFuckUp · 22/07/2018 09:51

I’ve scrubbed the house this morning ready for a bbq this afternoon that I have shopped for and will cook. I’ve got my third load of washing on the line and made DH a cooked breakfast and several cups of tea.

He’s played on the PlayStation, done some guitaring and is off for a band practice in an hour or so.

I don’t even know why I’m justifying myself but honestly he gets a pretty good deal (we both do) and he loves his job.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 22/07/2018 09:56

AlexaShutTheFuckUp you’re a far better SAHM than me, I had a lie in while DH got up with the DC and cooked me breakfast Wink. He cleaned the kitchen too.
I do absolutely everything in the house and for our 2 pre school children during the week while he works 16 hour days Monday-Friday in a job he loves though.

Seriousquestion09 · 22/07/2018 09:58

Not jealousy just avid supporter of independence and maintaining my career but then I worked quite hard for it and my now partner is the same

SoyDora · 22/07/2018 10:00

I worked hard for my career too, and will go back to it when it suits us all for me to do so. I’ve maintained membership of my professional body and gained a masters degree whilst being a SAHM. I was also lucky enough to have a high salary pre children so have maintained some independence through savings and investements.

SoyDora · 22/07/2018 10:01

*investments

Fightthebear · 22/07/2018 10:15

Don’t think you need to justify your SAHP arrangement to us or anyone op.

People need their pride and it’s more threatened than ever when someone is in the vulnerable position of your friend. But she sounds like she might be spikey anyway so I wouldn’t put up with too many put downs.

PugwallsSummer · 22/07/2018 10:48

Huge lol at the idea of family holidays being for the SAHP!!! 😂😂😂

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