‘It’s easy to spend someone else’s money’

[AlexaShutTheFuckUp]

How would you respond to this? The context was I was talking to a very long standing friend (albeit one I haven’t seen for years). She is starting over and I was saying that I have loads of stuff in the garage that she can have, kitchen stuff, curtains, odd bits of furniture etc.

I said that it’s all decent stuff, I just get bored and replace things. And she replied with the above.

I am a SAHM and we are comfortably off, we have a fairly large detached house (which she ‘jokingly’ commented about my cleaning standards of) and I think there’s an element of taking me down a peg. We grew up together and she always was a bit competitive tbh.

I’m trying to be gentle with her as she has been through hell, hence having no belongings and no current home, but I’m bracing myself for more of this.

Any ideas for pithy comebacks and/or ways to rise above it? I’m tempted to let her have these little moments of cattiness for now, without a row, but I’d like to be able to shut it down eventually. I have appalling mental health and tend to really internalise comments like this so it does need to be nipped in the bud for my own (literal) sanity.

We were talking about when she is housed. Without being too outing there are services involved and she will be housed within the next few months, she is in temp accommodation for now.

I do agree that it’s because she’s having a terrible time and feeling shitty. I’m not expecting her to prostrate herself at my bountiful generosity or anything like that. She is family, and I will give her whatever help she needs.

If she's down on her luck, maybe hearing someone essentially say 'look at all this spare stuff I have because I get bored of perfectly good things and love having new shiny things on a whim' hit a nerve.

Whilst I'd never say anything, I find it sadly consumerist and wasteful when I see friends who redo their kitchen every 2 years so get new tea/coffee tins, new kettles and small appliances etc to 'go' with with their new colour scheme (all perfectly good items but last year everything was red and this year the theme is duck egg blue).

You clearly had good intentions OP, but I think 'I have some items I no longer need/could do with passing to a good home' would be more tactful than 'i get bored so buy new stuff as and when i feel like it'.

I’ve known her all my life but for various reasons we’ve barely seen each other for years. So we are redefining our relationship really and I’m not quite up to witty snap backs and banter yet, whereas she clearly is. I’m sure it’ll settle down.

I would have to have said 'um.. excuse me?' Ridiculous comment which shows you how she really feels about you and your lifestyle choices. I wouldn't be mentioning my offer of free stuff again either.

I said that it’s all decent stuff, I just get bored and replace things.

I think that ^^ was pretty insensitive really.

"It's all decent stuff" would have done.

Yeah I’m seeing that now. She’s probably off somewhere doing an AIBU ‘to think my friend is an insensitive cow crowing about all her spare stuff’.

I think I’ll let this slide. She’s hurting and I spoke clumsily.

Don't beat yourself up Alexa you were trying to do a good thing for the right reasons. Don't end up feeling bad.

I like your last post Alexa. It sounds like she's in a pretty desperate situation, so just let it slide. As you say, your comment could easily have been interpreted as 'I've got so much money I can afford to replace stuff when I get bored of it'.

Don't beat yourself up OP.
It's obvious to anyone with sense that you have really good intentions.
Maybe try to catch your friend and say you're sorry if you sounded flippant but you do have some spare items she could have to get her settled.

If you've known each other as long as you say then she'll know you aren't a bitch. Equally, you'll know she snapped but isn't a horrible or ungrateful person.

One of the sweetest and strongest women I know is very good at shocked e expressions.

I’m glad I posted actually as it’s stopped me seething and made me see it differently.

Blimey, an AIBU, making a positive difference. Who’d a thunk it?

You can maybe let this slide, although I wouldn't, but keep an eye on her - it is no friendship if she doesn't respect you!

Jealousy eats away at relationships and if she is jealous of your life, she will take everything you offer but resent you for it at the same time. It has happened to me with a friend I regarded as a sister at one point.

It's important to stick up for yourself. Her having a hard time does not mesn she csn be a bitch to you.

Sorry, I can’t follow this at all! Did she say she didn’t want your stuff?

Nope, she wants it. It was just the little swipe mid conversation. I was so shocked I just laughed. And then fumed all evening .

Interesting choice of thread title, will your friend be an ungrateful cow if she's not constantly grateful, I think I would decline your offer.

So who’s money does she perceive being spent?

What she said was totally dickish.

However, telling a person who has found found herself with nothing, "Its all good stuff, I just get bored and replace things" was I'll-judged, insensitive and tactless. She shouldn't have responded as she did, but I'm not surprised she felt a bit sore after your comment.

Sorry, didn't see your post above.

I think, on this occasion, cut her a bit of slack, but next time she makes a "taking you down a peg" comment, call her out on it gently

It is very kind of you to help her in the way you are, and I'm sure underneath the rudeness she knows that.

She came to touch base with a contemporary, v old mate and peer. She was hoping for comfort. Even so, she can't help but notice what she's lost and you haven't. That must have struck her to the core.

You two used to be equals. Being faced with your cast-offs must have hurt, but not half as much as having to accept them. If I were you I would forget the bitchy remark and buy her one decent new thing when you drop round the other stuff.

There for the Grace of God, and all that.

I think you were a bit tactless with the “I just get bored and replace stuff” comment but the intention was good, she was rude. However some people genuinely don’t subscribe to the ‘family money’ philosophy. She may be ideologically opposed to it. But there was no need for her to snipe at that moment, it does sound ungrateful

@ElevenSmiles, I’m not sure what you mean about the title? It’s what she said to me.

@Duck90, she means my husband’s money. Except our household doesn’t work like that.

You're acting like a doormat by making excuses for her rudeness.

I think there’s an element of taking me down a peg. We grew up together and she always was a bit competitive tbh
This is who she is, it's in her nature to target others no matter what her personal circumstances

She's not going to change in this sense.
She's shown you that no matter how shitty her life is right now, no matter how generous you are with your time and things - she doesn't feel the need to be grateful for anything.
You're there to be used and abused.

Adults don’t need pithy come backs,sassy put downs it’s immature & puerile
Let’s be clear
You mispronounced 'thank you'
did you mean to be so rude?
...are not funny,or searing

I think your choice of words was unfortunate, and ill considered with no malice intended. Your mate is starting again,probably after a bad time

So don’t do anything, don’t overthink it

I think she's hitting out because she's vulnerable. You were slightly tactless and it probably stung, but I would just chalk it up to one of those things and not worry about it.

Are you genuinely bored with this stuff? If so, then, you don't want it, and it's good she'll make use of it.

I would also feel irritated by the idea that you're living off your husband, but perhaps she just feels bereft of that sort of 'team' safety net?