‘It’s easy to spend someone else’s money’

[AlexaShutTheFuckUp]

How would you respond to this? The context was I was talking to a very long standing friend (albeit one I haven’t seen for years). She is starting over and I was saying that I have loads of stuff in the garage that she can have, kitchen stuff, curtains, odd bits of furniture etc.

I said that it’s all decent stuff, I just get bored and replace things. And she replied with the above.

I am a SAHM and we are comfortably off, we have a fairly large detached house (which she ‘jokingly’ commented about my cleaning standards of) and I think there’s an element of taking me down a peg. We grew up together and she always was a bit competitive tbh.

I’m trying to be gentle with her as she has been through hell, hence having no belongings and no current home, but I’m bracing myself for more of this.

Any ideas for pithy comebacks and/or ways to rise above it? I’m tempted to let her have these little moments of cattiness for now, without a row, but I’d like to be able to shut it down eventually. I have appalling mental health and tend to really internalise comments like this so it does need to be nipped in the bud for my own (literal) sanity.

I know, right? It’s a busman’s holiday usually, same shit, different house.

@Fluffypinkpyjamas I’m a woman and I say the money I earn is mine and mine alone. I’m not in a financially abusive relationship either - I’m single (unless you count the guy I’ve been seeing for a few weeks). I’ve been in a live-in relationship before and refused to set up a joint account despite him wanting to do so and being the higher earner at that time. It just feels absolutely wrong to me to think I have any entitlement to someone else’s money. And as others have said all the cooking, cleaning and house maintenance is something literally every adult, working or not, parent or not, has to do. It doesn’t become a special job because you’re staying at home doing it.

As for divorce courts and alimony I’d like to see spousal maintenance abolished completely because for me that’s the height of a patriarchal structure. I’d like more consideration given to the things each partner owned and their financial situation before coming into the marriage, and if one partner made a much bigger contribution financially throughout the marriage I do think that should be taken into account. Obviously children have to be provided for adequately in divorce settlements but one of the main reasons I don’t want to get married is so I can ensure my money always remains mine.

I’ve discussed this a lot with my female friends in varying relationship statuses and all agree they’d rather keep earnings separate. Perhaps it’s a generational thing

And as others have said all the cooking, cleaning and house maintenance is something literally every adult, working or not, parent or not, has to do

Well not quite. Caring for 2 pre schoolers from the moment they wake up until they go to bed isn’t something my DH has to do, is it? He’s at work, so he can’t.
People who say SAHP’s do exactly the same as working parents seem to forget the fact that they’re generally paying someone to look after the child while they’re at work. A SAHP is doing it themselves.

We have family money and it wouldn't work for us any other way. There have been times dh has brought home more and times I have. It really doesn't matter to us who makes the money, we decided as soon as we moved in together a long time ago that we'd be a one pot family. If my salary doubled I would heartily encourage him to go part time or give up work- the things he would have time to do for the family then would be well worth it.

She's been a bit rude, but you don't come across well either. 'it's all good stuff, I get bored and just replace things' sounds pretty entitled and smug, she feels low at the moment and that comment probably stung, hence her slightly catty retort

Tell her everything's gone to charity shop as she doesnt want it.

I think I would've gone the other way: 'Oh I'm sorry have I upset you?'
It draws attention to the comment - you are only trying to be helpful, she then has a chance to say if you've upset her and thats why she said it, or confronts the fact that she just said something out of turn. And it has the advantage of being more honest and kind.

I'm not sure the point of having ever more barbed exchanges with someone you say you want to help?

I certainly don’t want to get into a war of barbs. But equally I am utterly shit with confrontation so really I just want to be able to either gently shut it down or turn it into a joke.

Or just be very British and totally ignore it.

Sometimes we all say hurtful things not realising the impact our words may have, especially when going through a rough patch. It was kind and generous of you to consider that when she made such a hurtful comment.

Next time, you could turn to her and (calmly) say 'ouch, that hurts' and look the way you feel instead of masking your feelings. She will either then stop or KNOWINGLY continue to be hurtful. If she does the latter, you know it's time to step away from her.

Don't let the judgmental comments re SAHPs and his/family money bother you. It's ok for different people with different experiences to have different opinions.

Why? This is not what I call a friend, do you feel you owe her your ongoing friendship. I'm sorry but I'd burn that bridge, I don't have time for toxic people in my life.

Johnny I think it's buying into the patriarchy to not recognise the unpaid labour most women put into raising a family. British society isn't structured to enable everybody to maintain fulfilling and well paid careers, while raising children and you ignore that some people would prefer to have a sahp in the family than outsource childcare, pay a fortune for it and hsve to deal with the logistics of it all.

Thst said, if I was single or cohabiting, I would maintain separate finances because I wouldn't view mysrlf as part of a unit. But marriage is creating a unit. Between us fh and I divvy up what needs to be done - neither of us is feeling oppressed or hard done by!

@IWanna I see your point, but my POV is that the very structure of society - that it’s assumed it will be women doing the unpaid labour of child-rearing by default - is patriarchal. I’d like to move towards structures that promote true equality, as I’ve said on another thread, equal parental leave being one. For me, maintaining separate finances is a big part of my independence and sense of being an equal

What makes it patriarchal to me, is that it isn't given a monetary value. 'Society' thinks sahp are contributing nothing and ignore how much easier it is to work and build a career when you know your dc are looked after by their other parent and you have no logistical worries. The nature of capitalism is that only activities which directly generate money are seen as important. That's why it is so important in households where there is a wohp and a sahp, that the earnings are recognised as belonging to both of them.
If this was legally enforced, instead of removing spousal maintanence and thereby forcing families to have both parents work ft, you would get more men sah as it would be viewed as having value.

iwanna I couldn't agree more with your post.

There’s also the point about the actual balance of work.

DH sits at a desk all day writing code. I’m not saying that’s not hard work but it’s not physical.

Meanwhile I walk or cycle around six miles to do the school run, further if we need milk and bread. Clean three bathrooms and the kitchen, mow the lawn, weed the patio, hoover the stairs. By the end of the day I’m physically shattered. DH is often mentally drained. We’ve both worked hard during the day.

With kids at home in the day it’s ten times the work so yayyy for the holidays .

Why should DHs contribution be valued more purely because it’s financial? There’s a lot more to running a house and parenting than just cold hard cash.

I take the point that this is a complete detail from point of thread.

I don’t see why people are justifying what they do as SAHP it’s easy to see that it is an equally demanding role in family life... my only concern is that so often it is the woman who has to do this and I think it inevitably will hinder ones career choices.

I trained as a surgeon which has honestly taken several years and it just would not be possible to take time out to be SAHP. Most female colleagues come back to work “less than full time” which is what NHS training calls it. You would lose your skill set quite rapidly. You would have to be very lucky to take time out of career progression and come back to the same level and pay grade.

I take the point that it is different strokes for different folks and I do believe in family money but often wonder why it is the women who has to be the one whose career takes a step back.

OP, I would just not mention the stuff you have available again. Look to sell it, put the money towards Christmas or something that you need for the new house. Your friend has missed out. She could have just said could she borrow the items until she was on her feet again. She’s clearly envious of your happy marriage and life, but her mental health and situation are no excuse to be so rude. You didn’t need to offer her the things, but you did with the best intentions, she created her situations where she lost everything, twice. Ok maybe what you said could have been better put, but when she replied, did she consider your mental health? And what you and your DH choose to spend is none of her business, I suspect you are good at bargain hunting and budgeting, buying in sales etc.