To just want my DH to answer the question he's been asked?

[Zintox]

This drives me mad.

Just now he said there was no melon left. I said "who ate it?" He replied "there were only three pieces left."

He does this all the time. I ask a question and he answers a completely different one.

How can I make him stop? Does anyone else's DH do this?

Me: do you want A or B (choice) for tea?
Him: yes.
Me: Grrrrrrrr

Out shopping
Me : do you want this multipack with raspberry and plain, or this one with strawberry and apple?
Him: raspberry and apple
Me: Grrrrrr

DM does something similar. Her question answering process is the wrong way round. You get what should be her inner monologue, but then no answer. You'll for example ask what time we're meeting up, she'll tell you what she has to get done before leaving, how long it will take her to travel and park if applicable, then she'll stop talking. She'll have decided on what time to meet, but not have shared that key snippet with you. Luckily it's funny and endearing, most of the time, and just part of my ditsy DM, so it's not a problem. I can completely see how it could (and probably does) rile others in the same way the choosing a different question to answer does.

Mine does that all the time. It's massively linked to upbringing. Nothing in his family is ever said directly, everyone beating about the bush. Drives me mad. Doesn't want to take responsibility for anything. Grrrrr.

Aha OP - if you are ASD then perhaps he needs a word about that. That might well mean you find non-literal answers hard to deal with, and he could help you out by being a bit more aware of that...?

minimimi
What have you made for tea?
Lasagne.
I don't want that.
Then what DO you want?
I dunno. Not sure...

Aside from his indecision thispai t a grim picture of you being treated like staff by your OH :-(. How incredibly rude, when he wouldn't give a preference, and you have cooked a meal, to just say he doesn't want it. Most people would realise that was really spoilt and quite offensive.
The fact that you just ask him what he wants instead is so sad :-/.

Please try telling him to cook his own f*!king tea, if he doesn't want what you have very kindly prepared for him!

Some of us have memories of being interrogated by parents and teachers. I am very nervous if I am asked an obviously "loaded" question.

My well-meaning mum (a teacher) would often interview ask me about my day at school, and although the tone would usually be light and conversational, it was interrogation by stealth:
"Did you have a good day at school?"
"What lessons did you have?"
"Did you get any homework back?"
"What mark did you get?"
"How did that compare with the other marks in the class?" (I loathed that question!)
"What homework do you have tonight?"
"Can I see your homework diary?"
It was plain that there was an agenda behind the apparently casual questions.

Also when I was younger, an "accusatory" question would sometimes lead to a volley of more questions, with would then lead to being smacked, and the questioning would carry on while I was then crying, with "Why did mum smack you?" So from this I learned that questions often led to being blamed and punished, and there were times I had to really protest my innocence when I knew damn well I was innocent.

I remember reading a book about child psychology which had a whole chapter on "the question 'why?'", in which the author wrote how he grew to loathe "why" questions, because they nearly always led to him being prevented from doing something, and that children soon learn that a question often implies disapproval. I'd agree that dislike of being asked questions can be established early on.

Ah but the OP’s DH did not admit to eating the melon. He could have been talking about 3 pieces of chocolate 5 weeks ago.

Yep that’s the sort of verbal crap I had to deal with from my exh, playing games with words so not actually lieing but being highly misleading.
He though it made him superior, it just made him a twat (and also one of the things that made him my ex 😉).

Annoying isn't it

Keep questions very very simple... perhaps repeat … as you would a child... he may then accuse you of being patronising/nagging him though

PS

Does it actually matter if he ate the melon.... was it kept for a special occasion or was it 'yours'

But OP can ask "Who ate the melon?" - she did. It's just not what she actually wanted to know though, is it?

Yes, it is. The OP has explained this several times.

Does it actually matter if he ate the melon.... was it kept for a special occasion or was it 'yours'

Yes, it does. The OP has explained this several times.

I still think that 'who ate the melon?' carries an accusatory tone, wheres 'do you know what happened to the melon?' is more casual.

The funny thing is that op's partner started the melon conversation by saying that there was no melon left. Which is what prompted her to ask who ate it.

Op you need to address the serious question of him undermining you (saying you can't cope with life) and low level gaslighting you (beating around the bush when asked simple questions).

No, in OP's first post she asked who ate it and then kept mentioning about why she wanted to know who ate it.

Nothing wrong with that but it's a daft question, the melon wasn't there any longer. My question would have bee different, it would have been "Where's the melon, do you know?".

It doesn't really matter does it? I think we all like to tweak our partner's responses and behaviours to fit our own preference but I doubt we'd like it much were our partners to do the same.

Ask the question that you actually want the answer to, was very good advice that I was given.

Lyingwitch in op's first post she says "just now he said there was no melon left. I said 'who ate it?' "

You need to reread her op again

I think I may be guilty of being a bit vague, but it's because DH asks me a question he already knows the answer to and he's just looking for an opportunity to disagree or highlight my errors so I play with him by being obtuse, or because he asks me something SO specific I can't possibly answer.

In the second example:
DH - (dishing up, say, oven chips) - how many of these chips do you want?
Me - I dunno, a normal portion.
DH - how much is that?
Me (bemused) - you know, not massive, but not tiny either.
DH - I don't understand how much that is.
Me - (panics) oh God, twelve, twelve fucking chips.
DH -

@DayManChampionOfTheSun

I tell you what drives me mad! Dp answering the exact question I have asked

Not getting at you .... but I kind of agree with your DH. If you want him to make you coffee ask properly.

My DH used to do this...he'd say "Have you eaten?"

What he really means is ..is there any food for him to eat. He's not concerned if I've eaten.

I told him to ask what he means or he won't get the desired response. I think he does it so it doesn't feel like he's asking me a favour.

"Could you just do xyz..no ask will you please or woukd you please do xyz?

It's like minimising what you want IMO.

I had an English teacher who insisted on correct grammar.

"Can I go to the toilet Miss?"

She'd say "I hope you can...but the question is May I go the toilet Miss?"

Actually I ask very specific questions to which I do want to know the answer.

This comes across like you're in a court of law cross examining a witness.

"We need more melon"

"Oh that's good...did DS eat it?"
Or just buy some more melon FGS Even if both DC or one had eaten it...one melon is enough to share surely.

Would have sounded less accusatory.

I feel you. That sounds super annoying. Have you ever had a frank conversation about why he does it? Is it nerves, maybe.

It's a bit different, but my DF does a weird thing where he has arguments with himself. He'll say something controversial. I'll nod and half agree. And then he keeps arguing about it as if I've disagreed with him. One day I talked it through with him and he admitted that he wants to have a disagreement and is disappointed when I nod along. I had to explain that I don't have the time and energy for endless disagreements and he'd have to find a different debating partner.

You will never believe but I actually come on to post this thread!
I thought it was only my dp that does this. It causes so many arguments.

An example....I could be completely run ragged at 6 pm dinner stuff everywhere and and kids wailing to go to bed....I will ask.... quickly dp tell me what time you are leaving in the morning so I know if I can just iron shirt In morning or need to do it now (obviously hoping he's leaving at 7 so I know I will be up and do it then as it's getting stressful.by this point and just needs to get them up to bath and bed and pass out from.exhaustion)

He will then answer ....well I'm going to a meeting at 8

Ok so what time you leaving?

Well the meetings in Liverpool street and we are having coffee beforehand

(At this point I have a baby in my arms..a toddlerswinging off me crying...hot and sweaty...)

Me: WHAT FUCKING TIME ARE YOU LEAVING JUST ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION...6AM? 7AM?....

And many more examples every day despite me saying to him about it.
What time do you want dinner done for?
Well I'm going to have a shower after work and get a cigar.
Ok so what fucking.time then!!???

I decided to start talking in riddles when he asks me questions now and never give straight answers. He hates it funny enough.

blackamericano that's EXACTLY how it goes with mine aswell it honestly give me complete feelings of rage.
Especially if I'm busy or overwhelmed and just need to know answers.

What time are we leaving for airport so I know what time to wake kids up and get them all ready?

Him: flights at 11

Ok so what time?

Him:Well I like to get here early and book in and go duty free.

Ok what time Am I setting my alarm for not a hard question is it,m

Him: well it's obvious we need to be here three hours earlier

Ok so we are leaving at 7 then?

Him: well sometimes there's traffic

TELL ME WHAT CUNTING TIME WE ARE MEAVING BEFORE I BURN OUR FUCKING PASSPORTS I AM WAITING TO GO GET 3 KIDS IN BED WHAT FUCKING TIME DO I NEED TO HAVE THEM READY FOR??????

Him: calm down. 6.15am

I do this, it drives my husband mad. He also does it, it drives me mad. Such fun we have in this household 😂

My ex was worse (and now our son does it and it drives me mad!)

What ever I ask or day to him he will reply with, "what do you mean?" with a puzzled look on his face like I'm talking a different language.
Obviously it didn't last with him but DS does it now and I'm ready to kill him,

Me - DS, do you need your lunch money topping up for school today?

Him - What do you mean?

Me - How many meaning could that sentence possibly have?

Him - oh .... yeah I do please.

Every. Fucking. Time.

Also I have never nagged my DH or told him off for anything but he still justifies everything which also drives me mad.

Me - Which train are you on after work?

(I ask this question because it varies wildly and I book my work shifts in around it.)

Him- It will be the 6.15 (this would be a fine place to end but no) ... because I have to just pop in and see X about Y and the earlier train won't leave me enough time to talk about Z in enough detail, I'll also have to just pop into ABC shops ....

Me - right, 6.15, fab..