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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be terrified that he won't believe me?

128 replies

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 20/07/2018 17:54

I'm currently having CBT for anxiety/depression. I've done 4 sessions and it isn't helping and in our last session he was asking me questions to do with the way I relate to people and I was getting quite frustrated because I didn't know the answer. I was chewing over it this morning and it it hit me like a tank. I know the answer, I know what it all goes back to. Everything just slotted neatly together.

When I was a 9 there was a one off incident of sexual abuse. No one ever found out, I didn't even think it particularly affected me and I never told a living soul, even continued to have contact with my abuser for a further year.

If I tell my therapist about this epiphany, what if he doesn't believe me? I haven't said anything in 4 sessions, its all been about anxiety so far. Until yesterday I didn't even think it bothered me, it was just a vaguely disturbing childhood memory. Though I do think of it more as his daughter gets closer to the age I was. I don't think she is at risk, he was only a teen at the time and I think he was more misguided than anything.

Anyway what my question is amongst all that rambling is do you think I should tell my therapist? Or keep it shut and just deal? Will he believe me? Will he think I'm just looking for sympathy?

OP posts:
GoldfishCrackers · 27/07/2018 08:45

OP I'm sorry this has happened to you. And it's brilliant you've made this connection. I wouldn't worry about how your therapist's feeling about it; it's his job to take care of you.

Are you sure he'd be upset about not having an open book on your whole life? It doesn't feel like it would feel very safe to tell someone you barely knew. I think I'd need to trust someone before I spoke about traumatic experiences. And him reacting well to you challenging him last week is exactly the sort of thing that helps build trust.

Last week I turned over 8 boxes of antidepressants, a box of heavy duty painkillers and 4 boxes of beta blockers and asked him to take them away from me because I couldn't trust myself with them. He asked me then if that was everything, was there anything else I was holding back
I'm reading that as have you held back any other means of harming or killing yourself.

Best of luckThanks

Original poster
didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 27/07/2018 10:21

Thanks to everyone who left messages of support and CSI for looking up exactly what would happen. I didn't see it till after the appointment but you were right.

It was actually easier than I thought it would be, he made it as easy as possible.

He did ask for his name and exact details of what happened but was very clinical about the details and made it clear that he considered it sexual assault even if I didn't and that he didn't think it was just teenage hormones.

He said he was a teenage boy once and he'd have been horrified at the thought of exposing himself to a 9 year old, never mind anything else and not to make excuses for him.

He is reporting it to safeguarding because he might still be a risk but I don't have to be involved unless I want to. But I have to change therapists early as he doesn't provide the kind of help I need. That's shit because I feel like I'm being punished for telling. He is going with me to the first appointment though for moral support and knows the therapist so at least I know they're nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 27/07/2018 20:01

I actually feel so stupid now. Once I was in there, there was never even a question of whether he believed me.

OP posts:
HarryHarlow · 27/07/2018 20:06

I promise you that you aren't being punished by being asked to see a different counsellor, quite the opposite - you are being given access to someone with the specialist skills to help you move forward. Good luck x

CSIblonde · 27/07/2018 20:45

Thanks Didyousee. I'm so very glad you are OK and making progress. Like your therapist said, your issues are best with a Specialist so it's not punishment, it's a referral which is necessary in his clinical opinion. Very best of luck & take care.

Original poster
didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 27/07/2018 20:54

No I know it's not, it just feels like abandonment. I know that's dumb, he's still in touch and even going to try and come to the first appointment and introduce me to the new therapist and he swore blind that if the police want to talk to me, he'll be there, so he isn't abandoning me at all. I'm just being stupid. Everything just feels a bit much at the moment.

OP posts:
ScienceIsTruth · 27/07/2018 21:05

I'm sorry for what you went through, and I can't really offer any advice, but I was wondering how you find a good therapist and how you know what kind of therapy would work best for you?

I saw a therapist/counsellor a few years ago, but it wasn't helpful. She constantly asked what I thought was wrong, or what I thought I should do, and to be frank, if I knew the answer to that I wouldn't need therapy.

Sorry for the derail, just interested in the answer. Thanks, and I hope you're able to speak to him about it and that you find a way to keep on seeing the same one.

Original poster
didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 27/07/2018 21:33

@ScienceIsTruth I didn't have a choice. I self referred via the NHS service and had a phone assessment. Tried a group, had a breakdown because I couldn't cope with it and it was run by two women. I find it very hard to open up to other women, that is one of the many issues I'm working on. I basically just got lucky to be assigned to someone I was comfortable with. CBT was the only option offered so I went for it. If you're desperate enough, you'll put the effort in with anything.

I have had counselling before and found it useless but counselling and therapy are two different things. Keep trying. If you can, refer yourself, your GP surgery will have forms you can take on their leaflet thingy. If not then look up the different types of therapy and see which one is best advised for your individual problems.

Search the internet for therapists in your area, compare rates and call and speak to a few, see who makes you feel comfortable. If they're good, they'll make an effort to make the hard topics easy to talk about.

If you can, keep a journal. You don't have to write in it every day, I don't know what you want therapy for but if it was anxiety you would write down your anxieties and why you're anxious. So maybe it's about kids? So you'd put I'm really scared to let them play out alone.

Then you have to analyse why. What do you think could happen to them? Even if it sounds really dumb, just write it down. Then you come back to it in a few hours or the morning, set a time to think about it so its not on your mind the whole time. Then when you read it back, you write down how likely you actually think these scenarios are and see whether you still feel as strongly.

I let my therapist read mine as it gave him an idea of exactly what he was dealing with in terms of how I felt and what the problems really were but you don't have to.

God that went on a bit, sorry Grin

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 27/07/2018 22:22

He/she will believe you.

I had a similar experience, I didn't realise it was abusive until I was in a class at college learning about abuse in children and everything that happened to me was written down in there. It hit me like a truck.

I believe you, others will believe you and so will your Councillor Flowers

ScienceIsTruth · 28/07/2018 01:17

Thanks for your reply, @didyouseetheflaresinthesky, it's really gracious of you to let me derail and to answer my question, and it didn't go on at all! Smile

Tbh, I don't really know what's wrong with me. I just think that something is: I've never fitted in or felt normal. I have a lot of guilt, I don't ever feel listened to, I often wish that I wasn't here, and I imagine having accidents, etc, eg, if the car swerved and hit that tree and so I worry constantly about everything.

I will try your suggestions and look into my options, so thanks once again.

I believe you too, and I'm sure that your counsellor will understand. It takes time to build trust, after all.

Rebecca36 · 28/07/2018 01:25

Your therapist will believe you. However it sounds to me as if CBT is not the right therapy for you, perhaps something gentler and longer term would be more appropriate,

ittakes2 · 28/07/2018 02:59

I had an isolated sexual abuse incident when I was a child and it had a huge impact on my life. I had CBT for my mental health and it was extremely helpful. If you tell him, he will believe you.

tangledyarn · 28/07/2018 03:39

He will totally believe you. A lot of clients take many sessions to talk about the underlying issue. The high intensity cbt will help you address the trauma and it will be with a more qualified therapist so its good you are being referred on although I know it can feel hard. Trauma focused CBT is different to what you are doing now and will be more in depth and can be extremely effective for very difficult traumatic experiences.

Original poster
didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 28/07/2018 10:50

@ScienceIsTruth I don't mind at all and I really hope you find a good therapist and start to feel better soon. If you can't find your local organisation feel free to PM me and I will help you as my leaflet has a fucking great list on the back that must cover half of England.

Thanks to the others. He did believe me.

OP posts:
badtime · 28/07/2018 21:02

Science, the constant worry about imagined accidents sounds a bit like some of my OCD symptoms - maybe you should read about OCD and see if it sounds similar. It definitely sounds like you have some sort of anxiety disorder(s).

I will say that therapy can be helpful even if you know what is wrong and what you should do to fix it.

CSIblonde · 29/07/2018 01:22

Science is truth
Your Counsellor's questions was them trying to find the cause of your depression so they can see how to help, ie. It could be a reaction to a trauma, or grief, or very often your childhood & poor parenting or, there could be nothing like that and it runs in the family, so it's purely genetic. It could also be social anxiety if you always felt you didn't fit in socially. CBT which gives you coping strategies and helps manage negative thoughts and catastrophising is often useful once you have identified what started the depression/anxiety. As pp suggested, a journal tracking your feelings and what pressed your buttons that particular day would help you get to the root of it: & help your Counsellor. Psych.com is handy for listing symptoms of every mental health issue there is in an easy A-Z, together with info on medication/treatment once diagnosed. Good luck.

Original poster
didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 30/07/2018 23:44

This last week has been shit. I swear I'm more stressed now than before and twice as isolated. I wish I could just repress it all again.

OP posts:
middleagedalready · 31/07/2018 15:08

It is a really hard process OP, stick with it. So much can get tied up with the disclosure it is possible to think that once that has happened everything will get easier but in lots of ways it is just the beginning of the work. A post sex abuse specialist will have lots of material, excersises and even conversations that are focused on working through what you have been left with. Hope you feel less anxious soon.

ClaryFray · 31/07/2018 15:14

Therapy isn't turn up and reveal all it takes multiple sessions for a client to feel comfortable enough to reveal some things. They will believe you. I'm sorry your going through this.

Trinity66 · 31/07/2018 15:20

Anyway what my question is amongst all that rambling is do you think I should tell my therapist? Or keep it shut and just deal? Will he believe me? Will he think I'm just looking for sympathy?

I'm no expert on this subject but it sounds to me like these are the questions that you probably subconsciously asked yourself way back when it happened and was maybe why you pushed the incident back out of your mind

Original poster
didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 31/07/2018 20:56

So much can get tied up with the disclosure it is possible to think that once that has happened everything will get easier but in lots of ways it is just the beginning of the work.

You're right. It took so much of the focus I was seeing that as the hard part. It's really not.

I'm no expert on this subject but it sounds to me like these are the questions that you probably subconsciously asked yourself way back when it happened and was maybe why you pushed the incident back out of your mind

Perhaps. I think I was happier when I didn't really think about it. Now I've brought it to the front of my mind and remembered it properly with an adult perspective, I wish I hadn't.

But I'm torn about his child. What the hell do I do about her? He may not even be a risk to her but should I try to anonymously warn his wife in some way?

OP posts:
middleagedalready · 31/07/2018 21:21

It is highly unlikely that someone would pay any attention to anonymous contact about this, what would be in it for them to do so? It is often very hard for them to listen to professionals with evidence. making a referral to the police would be the only effective way I can see of raising the issue and given what that would entail you shouldn't do it lightly. Your concerns are being raised through safeguarding procedures with your therapist so you have taken action.

Goth237 · 31/07/2018 21:37

People repress bad memories and experiences which are too painful to deal with. Especially as a 9 year old, when you wouldn't have understood what was happening to you- children definitely push those memories out. Of course he will believe you. I'm sorry for what happened, but please tell your therapist. That's what he's there for. He can help you with this.

Goth237 · 31/07/2018 21:39

And it's going to be painful to think about, but pushing the memories back down and trying not to think about them will only make things worse for you. No matter how much you want to just forget it, it will get much better if you can work through the feelings about what your 9 year old self is still trying to figure out. She's still in there, that confused, hurt child and that part of you needs to be able to speak about what happened.

Goth237 · 31/07/2018 21:42

It will feel worse for a while before it can start to feel better. This is because you haven't thought about it, or wanted to think about it, for years. But there is an end to it, another side to this tunnel. It'll just take a little while to get there. Have faith in the process and in yourself. You can do this, OP. (Sorry for all the messages- I just keep going up and reading a bit more of what you've written).