To be terrified that he won't believe me?

[didyouseetheflaresinthesky]

I'm currently having CBT for anxiety/depression. I've done 4 sessions and it isn't helping and in our last session he was asking me questions to do with the way I relate to people and I was getting quite frustrated because I didn't know the answer. I was chewing over it this morning and it it hit me like a tank. I know the answer, I know what it all goes back to. Everything just slotted neatly together.

When I was a 9 there was a one off incident of sexual abuse. No one ever found out, I didn't even think it particularly affected me and I never told a living soul, even continued to have contact with my abuser for a further year.

If I tell my therapist about this epiphany, what if he doesn't believe me? I haven't said anything in 4 sessions, its all been about anxiety so far. Until yesterday I didn't even think it bothered me, it was just a vaguely disturbing childhood memory. Though I do think of it more as his daughter gets closer to the age I was. I don't think she is at risk, he was only a teen at the time and I think he was more misguided than anything.

Anyway what my question is amongst all that rambling is do you think I should tell my therapist? Or keep it shut and just deal? Will he believe me? Will he think I'm just looking for sympathy?

My Counsellor wouldn't recoil if I lashed out verbally like yours did OP. It wouldnt faze him one iota. I'd wonder how much experience yours has after that reaction tbh.

I think the recoiling has understandably made you worry about disclosing. If he's experienced, he should be able to cope with you expressing rage - it's a perfectly normal emotion if you've experienced abuse. I was vile to my counsellor at one of my early sessions, his reaction was just "you're angry, rage is normal, it needs to come out, don't apologise" .
If there's a time limit anyway re seeing him, maybe private with someone specialising in sexual abuse is a better option if you can afford it? I saw two NHS counsellors, both mid 20's, but they didn't 'get' me, were very easily shocked/embarrassed, which made me feel I had to edit my fellings. Whether that was due to lack of experience I don't know. Current one is my age and been round the block so to speak to the - & it just works.

No chance of paying, I can barely pay my rent. He is quite young so I doubt much experience. Early 20s I think. He recovered in seconds but I think it stung a little. I wouldn't even have noticed if I hadn't been looking at him.

No, no feelings. I don't do relationships, I don't do sex. I struggle with closeness of any kind. I don't think I've ever even fancied anyone, save for the odd person on tv.

When people have therapy I believe it can unlock things in your mind - stuff that comes out and it seems unrelated to what you've been talking about. There is no reason why s/he won't believe you. If you can't say it out loud you could write it down and take it to your session. Sorry you have been through this.

I've been in therapy for ten years and important things still float to the surface that I've never mentioned before. Don't worry about it. Your therapist may want to discuss why you didn't mention it before, but don't take that as them being incredulous.

Just wanted to say... Rape crisis isn't just for people who've been raped. It deals with all sexual assaults.

rapecrisis.org.uk

Thank you for the link but I don't think it's for me. I appreciate the thought though.

I have left him a message for Monday asking if he can fit me in a bit earlier. I think if I wait 2 weeks I'll lose my nerve.

That's a good idea to bring it forward.
The bit about telling him you thought he wouldn't believe you - he'll realise that isn't about him, it's about you, and he will want to help you address that. He won't think badly of you.
But any way good luck with your sessions and do what feels right for you.

Thanks. I know he will, I'm just being a wimp. I just need to grow a pair and do it. I'm just not looking forward to admitting that oh yeah, you know last week when I promised no more lies? Yeah, 10 minutes after that I told you that my issues with friendships were to do with being bullied at school. That was utter bollocks too. Soz about that.

Do we have a banging head into the wall smiley?

I told my therapist lies sometimes to avoid hard conversations. Especially in the first few months. We ended up working together for 6 years and I told him everything, things I didn't imagine I could ever say. And it was hugely healing.

He never ever for upset or mad if I didn't tell all or hid everything, because as he often reminded me, it was my therapy, not his. And often it's not what you are telling that is therapeutic but the act of saying it and being heard.

I think you should tell your therapist that you have something to say but you fear you won't be believed. My therapist always encouraged me to talk about talking about stuff, if that makes sense. So we'd hash out the fears and the worries first, because I needed him to reassure me, make me feel safe and provide validation of my fears.
Once I felt able to trust him with the details, he told me he was honoured and humbled that I trusted him enough to share with him.

You don't have to tell him. It's your therapy, he's not going to be mad or upset if you hold things back. However if you do want to share, then perhaps start with talking over your fears about sharing. Go from there.

That actually makes a lot of sense, @Chipsahoy

It's really more the act of being able to tell someone and know their reaction isn't something you have to worry about and they'll never tell another soul. pretends supervision isn't a thing I suppose that's what therapy is, in a way, that's the whole reason it helps. It isn't always WHAT you say but rather the fact that you can say it at all.

I just know I'm in for a long conversation about why I felt the need to lie though. God forbid we don't pick apart every last stutter or hesitation.

I think it's partly the uncertainty though. I won't be with him for long so I don't want to bond too much if you see what I mean? I'm already more attached than I wanted to be. I mean for Christ's sake, I handed over my suicide stockpile. I only started for anxiety techniques!

Oh for God's sake someone talk sense to me. The closer this appointment gets the more I don't want to go. I'm trying to think up other excuses for asking to move the session, other less upsetting things to work on. Someone give me a good AIBU kick.

Hi DidYou.
Hope you’re ok. Don’t cancel or postpone your appointment. All that achieves is you being worked up for longer.
What are you most worried about happening when you speak with him?

I don't even KNOW! He'll be fine about it, it won't shock him or anything.
I've just never talked about it. I mean does he have to do anything about it? I looked him up on facebook and the guy is a youth worker now. He's working with bloody children!

I wouldnt worry about a white lie because at the time you didn't want to say the real reason you don't have friends OP. You are still building trust. Leave that smaller issue for now if you want to, as it seems the abuse is looming larger at present. Regarding your abuser now working with young children , would pursuing that with police help you feel any closure & stop your worry that he's v prob in that job for the wrong reasons?

Teens sorry, not children, children. But still, vulnerable young people.

I don't want to pursue it, I don't want anything to do with him ever again. But I don't want other kids at risk either. He was only about 16/17 at the time. What are the chances it was just teenage idiocy and hormones?

OP this disclosure isn't about you needing to do anything, it's not up to you to manage the behaviour of the abuser make reports or confront him, and your therapist is there to listen and help you process, this is just about you being able to share something that has had an impact on you, in a safe controlled environment

OP, abusing a 9yr old when you are a 16/17year old isn't hormones, it's abuse. End of. My counsellors best ever advice to me was people are predictable:they have patterns of behaviour. Once is happenstance, twice is their 'pattern' - and they will rarely deviate from it. Your abuser is still doing it. Also, once they've broken a taboo /rule and not get caught they feel invincible and sadly, often escalate to worse levels. (Police advice to me when I was groped by a repair man in my home & worried I'd over reacted calling them). Tell your Counsellor, then at a later date, if you can, maybe think about others that mam is very probably preying on now. Your feelings will fluctuate re this, which is totally normal /understandable.

Yes but if I tell him that this man is now working with children does he have a legal duty to report it?

Op if you feel like you don't have the words to tell him, then write it down on a page and say to him I have something to tell you but didn't know how to tell you so I've written it down, then let him read it, and he will guide you from there....don't withold it, he won't think you are lying

Good luck OP. You are doing well. Would it be easiest to send your therapist a link to this thread? Then you can start your session without the weight of worrying about how to tell him. And you don't need to write a new letter.

OP, I went on bhamcommunity. NHS.Uk. If you disclose to a health care professional their duty of care is to ensure you are safe and not at further risk of abuse & ensure you receive the correct support. If others are also at risk of abuse the HCP will contact the relevant social services safeguarding team. But it's up to you if you wish to disclose your abuse to Police. HTH.

Spellit I think that’s really unfair to the OP. She is having therapy so clearly struggling at the moment. Anything this person may or may not be doing now is not her responsibility. Her first concern needs to be her own welfare and wellbeing.

And OP - no your therapist will not ask you to name the abuser to enable him to report it/force you to.