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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be terrified that he won't believe me?

128 replies

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 20/07/2018 17:54

I'm currently having CBT for anxiety/depression. I've done 4 sessions and it isn't helping and in our last session he was asking me questions to do with the way I relate to people and I was getting quite frustrated because I didn't know the answer. I was chewing over it this morning and it it hit me like a tank. I know the answer, I know what it all goes back to. Everything just slotted neatly together.

When I was a 9 there was a one off incident of sexual abuse. No one ever found out, I didn't even think it particularly affected me and I never told a living soul, even continued to have contact with my abuser for a further year.

If I tell my therapist about this epiphany, what if he doesn't believe me? I haven't said anything in 4 sessions, its all been about anxiety so far. Until yesterday I didn't even think it bothered me, it was just a vaguely disturbing childhood memory. Though I do think of it more as his daughter gets closer to the age I was. I don't think she is at risk, he was only a teen at the time and I think he was more misguided than anything.

Anyway what my question is amongst all that rambling is do you think I should tell my therapist? Or keep it shut and just deal? Will he believe me? Will he think I'm just looking for sympathy?

OP posts:
GetToFuck · 20/07/2018 19:18

Therapists are used to big events in later sessions. That's how therapy works. You start small, go away and think, slot the pieces together over time. Things you didn't think mattered end up as part of the puzzle.

Tell him/her. It will help. It helped me.

Bingpot · 20/07/2018 19:19

It takes time to build trust with your therapist. It's ok to feel nervous and worried. Remember it's his job to believe you and support you to work through your pain.

I believe you and I wish you strength and happiness.

Lostbeyondwords · 20/07/2018 19:21

I'm sorry didyouseetheflaresinthesky, I really wasn't asking you to specify. Don't feel you have to let out more than you can, your therapist won't expect that either.

It's crap that you get so little time, I had 8 sessions of talking therapy, it didn't help. If I wanted more I had to wait 3 month's and apply again, completely useless system for those who can't afford private.

I would suggest NAPAC as well, if/when you feel you can discuss it or wish to talk about it with people knowledgeable.

Original poster
didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 20/07/2018 19:21

It's so frustrating. I probably could achieve some kind of coping strategy and work through things but you are left with the same person for a MAXIMUM of 12 sessions. Why, ffs? If you are working well with someone then why can't they bloody well let you be? Surely it costs them more in repeat referrals?

OP posts:
Original poster
didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 20/07/2018 19:28

It's ok, Lost. I know what you mean about his daughter but I really don't know what to do about it. I can't tell the police or anything 18 years later.

I don't know what NAPAC is, sorry?

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 20/07/2018 19:35

It's all part of the bloody nhs cut backs...

So sorry this happened to youFlowers.

The fact you can't bring yourself to voice it, speaks volumes... Trauma often gets 'stuck' especially if the survivor hasn't spoken with anyone, ever... Especially the fact you were wrapped up in being told by an older, more powerful, person to keep it secret..

He knew this was wrong. What he did was a child sex offence (any thing sexual with such a young child). He would most likely have been prosecuted if any one knew.

What a horrid thing to happen to you.

Please, please you WILL be believed. As others have said.. Write it down if you really can't speak to him. You can write him a letter if you want to before the next session.

Actually as a therapist I've had (very helpful) letters from patients when they weren't able to voice it in session.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 20/07/2018 19:39

OP you could tell the police... It is NOT too late

We have no way of knowing if he hasn't continued abusing prepubertal girls.

That is exactly why people like paedophiles like rolf Harris and Stuart Hall were jailed people bravely coming forward many years after their attacks

HermioneGoesBackHome · 20/07/2018 19:39

Tell him.
He wont judge you.
But more importantly you still have 3 sessions wher you can explore what happened and he can refer you to someone else for that specific issue - if you do need it.

CBT is great has it gives you tools to handle the anxiety etc..
But maybe not the most appropriate if you need to go back to that abuse and start talking about it/how it made you feel etc...

But I have to say. Please be proud of your breakthrough. Finding out what IS the root cause of all the anxiety is great and it’s all your own work. :):)

Original poster
didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 20/07/2018 19:48

I don't think he can refer me to a different type of therapy. CBT is the only one the NHS funds. I agree it isn't designed to deal with this and he may not even be trained for this type of disclosure, however much he wants and tries to help.

I couldn't bring myself to report it now. But I don't know whether or not his DD may be at risk. WTF should I do? Can you report things like that anonymously? Doubtful as otherwise you'd get all the crazies with vendettas doing it.

OP posts:
Bluelonerose · 20/07/2018 19:51

I believe you Flowers

Original poster
didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 20/07/2018 20:28

Thanks Blue. And thanks to everyone who has posted similar messages of support and advice.

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 20/07/2018 21:02

Of course you should tell him and of course he will believe you. Why wouldn't he? If you can't say I think an incident in my childhood is the cause of my issues, can you write it down and say I wrote this because I'm not sure I can say it. ? I wrote my feelings about my mothers emotional abuse down for my Counsellor, because it was too painful to talk about. Once I'd written it, a weight lifted & I can talk about it with him now. He's heard it all, trust me. He won't be shocked. It's great you're addressing it OP, things will get better.

Original poster
didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 20/07/2018 21:08

Thanks CSI, I have written things out before, I don't know why I feel so resistant to doing it for this. Perhaps because I know anything I write for him gets scanned into the system. But still, I did it when I was considering killing myself, this really shouldn't be so much harder.

OP posts:
Lambzig · 20/07/2018 21:53

I am a therapist who works with survivors of sexual violence and abuse. Your therapist will absolutely believe you, I believe you. It sounds like you are doing amazingly well. If you want to write it down that would be ok, but I hear you about your need to say it. Could you write it and then read it out for your therapist? Would that work for you at all?

I agree it’s ridiculous to limit sessions, particularly when clients have breakthroughs, but unfortunately that’s what we are working with.

No one should pressurise you to report, but you can definitely report it anonymously. I have reported things on my clients behalf (with my clients permission) and not disclosed their identity. While therapists do have a safeguarding duty the primary concern is you and what you want and your therapy.

If it’s not possible for you to continue seeing this therapist he could refer you or you could self refer to your local Rape Crisis. Rape Crisis provides free counselling for women (some also see men) who have experienced sexual violence or abuse either current or historic. They also help those who are impacted by sexual violence (eg mother of an abused child or someone supporting those who have experienced sexual violence). Therapy offered is usually medium to long term. Some areas offer unlimited.

Sorry for the essay but thought this info might be helpful for you or others.

Please take care of yourself and please understand that you will be believed.

Booklover18 · 20/07/2018 21:56

Tell the therapist! It will help!!!

Lambzig · 20/07/2018 21:59

Oh and I meant to say it’s not unusual for clients to take some sessions to disclose important issues. It takes time to build the relationship, to develop trust, and for clients to make the links.

paranoiamumma · 20/07/2018 22:15

I had therapy a few years back it was a 24 week course anyway I didn't tell my therapist till 20 th week she believed me and also said she thought I hadn't told her because I don't think being abused mattered because I didn't matter if that makes sense needless to say my therapist lengthened the course

Original poster
didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 20/07/2018 23:16

Thank you @lambzig but I wasn't raped. Do you work as an NHS therapist? If so do you know if there is any way I could stick with my current therapist?

OP posts:
Elbbob · 21/07/2018 00:11

I really identify with your post, OP. I recently started seeing a therapist for a specific unrelated issue and she asked me a question about making decisions that made me reflect on what happened to me.
I was the same age as you and he was also a teenager. The difference is I did tell people in authority. But it got brushed under the carpet. I don't think anyone believed me. I think that has affected me so much.

Good luck talking to your therapist, sounds like you have a great bond and he absolutely will believe you. But please also talk to him about your fear he wouldn't believe you - maybe exploring that will also help you?
It's amazing what your mind can do. I think I worked so hard to not let what happened affect me. But I suppose it has in so many ways.

Original poster
didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 21/07/2018 00:23

I'm so sorry that happened to you, that is why I didn't tell at the time. I hope you are in a happier place now and moving on.

I don't know about that, think I'll give him a week to get over the last verbal slap I gave him. I wasn't in a great place, likened myself to roadkill and when he challenged me on it, I lashed out at him, told him he didn't care, he was paid to pretend to and a few other things that were much nastier. The look on his face was like I'd hit him. He recovered pretty quickly but I feel horrible about it. I'm not going to walk in there and tell him I thought he wouldn't believe me. I can't be a cunt two weeks running.

OP posts:
mirime · 21/07/2018 00:23

Just a thought, but you could get in touch with your local SARC (sexual assault referral centre)? You may be able to report him anonymously through them - obviously that wouldn't start an investigation, but if there have been other complaints made against him it could prove useful.

Rollonweekend · 21/07/2018 01:46

This sounds like the therapy is working and you've had a breakthrough. I would just go to the next session and open up with 'there is something that has come up in my head that I want to talk about this week..'

dangerrabbit · 21/07/2018 07:48

Are you in a position where you could pay? You could ask the therapist if they do private work because many nhs therapists also work privately?

Spaghettijumper · 21/07/2018 08:31

You're worrying far too much about how he feels. Are you developing feelings for him?

MissusGeneHunt · 21/07/2018 08:37

Maybe the CBT you've had has actually helped piece things together. Yes, tell your therapist, and the best wishes to you for recovery and healing Flowers

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