To be terrified that he won't believe me?

[didyouseetheflaresinthesky]

I'm currently having CBT for anxiety/depression. I've done 4 sessions and it isn't helping and in our last session he was asking me questions to do with the way I relate to people and I was getting quite frustrated because I didn't know the answer. I was chewing over it this morning and it it hit me like a tank. I know the answer, I know what it all goes back to. Everything just slotted neatly together.

When I was a 9 there was a one off incident of sexual abuse. No one ever found out, I didn't even think it particularly affected me and I never told a living soul, even continued to have contact with my abuser for a further year.

If I tell my therapist about this epiphany, what if he doesn't believe me? I haven't said anything in 4 sessions, its all been about anxiety so far. Until yesterday I didn't even think it bothered me, it was just a vaguely disturbing childhood memory. Though I do think of it more as his daughter gets closer to the age I was. I don't think she is at risk, he was only a teen at the time and I think he was more misguided than anything.

Anyway what my question is amongst all that rambling is do you think I should tell my therapist? Or keep it shut and just deal? Will he believe me? Will he think I'm just looking for sympathy?

Why don't you write it down for him to read

Just about to add this. I did it at one of my sessions.

I'm wondering if CBT is really the right approach for what you are having to cope with. I know it tends to be what the NHS recommends (possibly the only therapy available on NHS? Dunno), they like it because it appears to yield quick results for some people/certain types of issue, but I've had a couple of courses of CBT for anxiety and depression and one didn't help at all, whereas the other actually made me feel worse because the therapist was unsympathetic to what I was going through and actually treated me as difficult/uncooperative in one session when I wasn't either of those things, just emotionally lost. The approach within CBT seems to be very much that all trauma is related to faulty thinking and can be fixed by 'correcting' that thinking, and as such I really can't see how a CBT approach is really going to get to the heart of what you are dealing with here. Can't really see how it would help much with trauma issues in general, tbh, as I'd have thought they needed a more in-depth and exploratory approach.

I may be doing your therapist/CBT in general a disservice here, and my comments may not be especially helpful to read if CBT is the only option available to you, but I just wanted to state my viewpoint because imho it's very easy to feel you're the one at fault if a course of CBT doesn't work, and you're not. (Also, if your therapist disbelieves you, then he's not doing his job properly.)

Hugs to you, it sounds like you're going through so much and I'm just concerned that CBT could be too superficial an approach to help you much. If it doesn't work out for you, I hope you manage to find therapy that does.

I had therapy and didn't mention the single most important thing. I think it must be very common.

I'd say it'd be UNcommon for people to sit down and let it all out on session one. it'd also be uncommon to realise what were the events/people/behaviours who damamged you the most and in what way to what extent at the time - it only later with a lot of reflection that people (maybe) understand it completely.

This is not rare so there is no reason why your therapist would disbelieve you, four sessions is not long to build trust.

You don't have to say it out loud to him if you don't want to. You could write it down, or even print your first post here, and ask him to read it.

Any Therapist worth his salt won't 'judge' you badly for not having connected that abuse with your current anxiety, or for not immediately discussing it with him. Therapy is about having the space and the time you need to work through what's causing your struggles, there's no strict rules of how it should happen.

OP - you say you're concerned that the abuser's daughter is approaching the age you were when the incident happened.

Of course he will believe you. I’ve had several therapists and was raped as a young adult - I didn’t always admit this, and on occasion revealed it but said I didn’t want to talk about it, it wasn’t always relevant as I have a lot of other baggage. Your experience will be similar to many other people in therapy sadly, any therapist should be experienced and able to help you. If it’s took much could you write it down on paper or in text on your phone. You’ve typed it here and that could help reduce the power and impact by providing some distance.

I'm sorry too OP, one off or not you've clearly realised it's affected you . Like pp said the whole point of therapy is to figure things out. If you knew the problem straight off, you wouldn't be there. Tell them, I hope it helps to get it out. They won't judge, they've heard it all.

But OP, posters frequently say on mn that people like that don't change, and in any other situation I'm sure people would be screaming about safeguarding his daughter. You didn't say what exactly happened and I'm not asking, I'm not sure what would be classed as "misguided" and it's obviously playing on your mind. OP, i ask this in the most gentle way, do you feel sure that child isn't at risk?

CBT is the only therapy available to me on the NHS and I can barely afford rent, never mind therapy. I know what you mean though, it isn't really designed to deal with major trauma of any kind. My therapist isn't unsympathetic in any way though, that is why I'm so frustrated at myself. He is one of the kindest people I've ever met and has given me no reason to think he wouldn't believe me or that he would react badly in any way, it's just my own stupid pathetic insecurities. I'm doing my own fucking head in!

I did write down the suicide issue for him to read and then we talked about it after but I just feel like it's important to actually voice this one. Letting him read it is, for me, a way of disengaging until I know what his reaction is. It's a cop out. For me anyway, I know it isn't for everyone.

I believe you too. And so will your therapist x

OP, I've had numerous bouts of therapy and never got up the guts to talk about my childhood abuse. Like you, I think it wasn't particularly traumatising at the time but actually I'm starting to see the impact on my life but I'm just too scared to start unravelling it all. However, I keep ending up back in therapy so I guess I'm going to have to at some point. Accepting that is step one. You're at step two. You can do this.

Well done OP, this could be a huge turning point for you and make sense of a lot for you. I agree with others, your therapist likely knows these things come out weeks and even months in, all the time. I have had 3 sessions and tbh in the first two I thought I'm just talking, no one is helping or solving anything, and then in the third session we got to an issue that I thought was totally separate..

I don't know tbh Lost. I don't know what I'd do about it now even if I wasn't sure.

I don't want to go into it, he made me do things to him and keep it a secret, that's all I'm willing to say. He was 15/16 ish I think and I was 9. His daughter must be about 7ish now judging from a picture I saw a year or 2 back. He also has a son who is older.

He will believe you.

He might already suspect.

Sometimes what you can't see yourself is obvious to you counsellor.

But even if it isn't, this is what counselling is for. Making sense of things, having these revelations for yourself.

If he's a good counsellor he will have been watching the process for you and he'll know this revelation is something you've been working towards.

He will believe you.

Sometimes when there's something difficult I want to say in a therapy session if I focus on trying to feel safe in the appointment rather than focusing on getting myself to say The Thing then it's actually much easier to get the words out.

I would be inclined to echo bringincrazyback's concerns re CBT. Sounds like your anxiety is actually a manifestation of trauma. If this is IAPT CBT you're having then it probably will help you get a better understanding of how your mind works and give you some coping strategies, but it may not get you as far you'd like with the trauma/overall position stemming from it. If that does end up being the case, there are so many other paths open to you.

So you don't need to panic or feel like this is your only chance to "fix" things or that you're wasting it if you don't tell him every single thing immediately. This stuff takes time. We can't heal on a timetable. If you struggle with relationships, then building a trusting relationship with this therapist will help you in and of itself, regardless of any CBT stuff you might do on top of that.

Please don't beat yourself up either. Whether you tell him or not, it's a positive sign that your brain is finally letting you access that memory and make those connections. That needs to happen for you to heal. This is progress, even if it doesn't quite feel like it right now.

Believe it or not, I FORGOT I was abused as a child. I think my innocent child-mind couldn't cope with the memory and 'filed it away'.

I began to slowly start remembering when I hit adolescence. It took me a long time to believe myself and these very unwelcome memories.

I've told one other person about it and like you, feared he wouldn't believe me. Especially because I had no recollection of the incident for years.
He absolutely believed me, however. I know I can talk to him about it any time and he will listen. This helps immensely. A floodgate opened after I confided in him and I am so grateful for that.

Your therapist will believe you and will not expect you to be able to bring everything to your first few sessions. Like a previous poster I am not sure that CBT is going to be the most useful therapy but the single most important thing is your relationship with your therapist. Talking about this stuff is hard, there are specialist support for adults who have experienced abuse as dc that you can consider.

This isn't uncommon. Other clients will gradually add more information into each session as they build rapport win their therapist. They will be used to this. It's not easy just opening up with a stranger.
Just be as open and honest as you can.
This may the breakthrough that leads to a whole lot of healing. The guidance from your therapist may be fundamental in that.
Good luck

that is why I'm so frustrated at myself. He is one of the kindest people I've ever met and has given me no reason to think he wouldn't believe me or that he would react badly in any way, it's just my own stupid pathetic insecurities. I'm doing my own fucking head in!

Would you view a friend the same as this?

It's not stupid or pathetic or an insecurity.

It's an entirely normal, human reaction to be afraid to share something like this and afraid of how the person you tell might react. All it says about you is that you are a totally normal human being.

Can you give yourself the same compassion you would give someone else in your shoes?

I only have 3 more sessions with him before I get referred up for high intensity CBT. I'm dreading it. Why give you 6 bloody hours to bond with one person and then move you? Counterproductive surely. It was only last week that I actually started to believe I could trust him. Ironically it was because I was absolutely horrible to him.

I too had therapy as teenager and never actually managed to voice my biggest evil.

My therapist and I spent hours sitting in silence every time I was about to have a break through but I just lost my voice. I just couldn't speak about it and still can't.

I felt like wasting his time, and really wish I had just spat it out. We ended up talking about the weather and I focused on very minor problems hoping he wouldn't try to dig deeper with the real issue.

I managed to cope and am okay now, but I sincerely wish I had told him all those years ago.

The point of the therapy is to help you figure this sort of stuff out. He won't be at all surprised that you haven't mentioned it before and he will believe you.

Sorry, last one, just occurred to me NAPAC might be helpful to you (www.napac.org.uk) as you try and sort through this.

It was only last week that I actually started to believe I could trust him. Ironically it was because I was absolutely horrible to him.

This is also completely normal. Trust him to do his job. It'll be okay.

I only have 3 more sessions with him before I get referred up for high intensity CBT. I'm dreading it. Why give you 6 bloody hours to bond with one person and then move you? Counterproductive surely

This is why IAPT is shit. You're right, totally counterproductive. And professionals know it. I'm sorry.

I believe you. I just had my latest therapy session to disclose something that happened 40 years ago. The fact that you have managed to remember after 4 sessions is brilliant, and you should not feel bad - the first couple of sessions were just to gain some trust.

If you find it really difficult, just write on a bit of paper "I was raped aged 9" or whatever. Hand it to him. Then you can talk around the issue. No need for an essay, and you don't even have to hand it over if you feel brave enough to say it.