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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sent an email to DS' form tutor

106 replies

GoldenBuns · 19/07/2018 21:00

I am kicking myself for this and am preparing to be flamed. I really wish I hadn't done it - but at the same time feel so upset for DS.

DS is just coming to end of year 7, his first year at secondary school. It is an all boys school - tough, quite a few issues with behaviour etc. His first term was traumatic to say the least - I can only describe what he went through as a panic attack that went on for a whole term. He hated it so much that he cried morning and night. He was too upset to talk to anyone or make friends. The school had to issue him with a time out card because he was having panic attacks in lessons. . I came very close to moving him to another school much further away (the only place available). I have never seen him so miserable. I spent a lot of time going in and out of the school, talking to his form tutor and head of year. They were amazing and really cooperative about getting him settled. FWIW, I did express my gratitude to them on several occasions.

Amazingly, in the spring term, he turned things around completely. Came out of his state of panic and started making friends. He has done well academically and represented the school at sport. He has had no consequences for bad behaviour in the whole school year. He is now settled and happy, with lots of really nice friends.

This week, there have been a couple of rewards events at the school - in particular a 'by invitation only' evening ceremony. Loads of DS' friends were invited and got awards for things like attendance, good attitude, resilience, helping fellow classmates etc. Ds was not invited. He was not included in any other reward event either. He came home on the evening of the ceremony and wanted to know if I had missed the invitation - but he hadn't had one. He couldn't understand why he wasn't invited and was really disappointed.

Was I unreasonable to have emailed DS' tutor and expressed my disappointment that he wasn't given some acknowledgement for his resilience? I got a short reply saying that unfortunately they can't reward everyone and unfortunately he didn't meet the criteria. I now feel like that awful whinging parent who complains if her little darling doesn't get the best treatment. I also feel like I have shot myself in the foot and created a bad relationship with his tutor. But at the same time I feel that if they had acknowledged his resilience, it would have meant the world to him and would have been such a good end to the year. I can't help but feel so disappointed for him.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 19/07/2018 21:06

The teacher will have been asked to choose students for this event. They couldn't choose everyone, so someone - in fact, the majority, probably - will not be chosen. I understand your feelings but YABU.

W1neNot · 19/07/2018 21:07

You are not unreasonable no. You're doing the best for your son and I totally get that

mn101 · 19/07/2018 21:07

I'm in two minds about this one. It seems a shame that not all students are invited to the award ceremony, even if not all of them win awards. It's nice to cheer on your friends etc. So I disagree with the system that doesn't invite all students.

On the other hand, the tutor is right in that not all students can win awards. I know you say that it would have meant the world for your son to have win an award, but I'm sure all parents would say that about their children.

Tough one 🤷‍♀️

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/07/2018 21:08

Your son has had a difficult year with parental and teaching support.
Fortunately son has overcome his difficulties to flourish.well done
I think you’ve unfortunately jumped the gun with an ill considered email
Your son got to were he is with skilled teacher input,encouragement and faith
The teacher doesn’t explicitly need to write a narrative on resilience
Your Son actions, representing school show his resilience

Original poster
GoldenBuns · 19/07/2018 21:09

Fair enough, Pengggwn. I can see that.

OP posts:
KindergartenKop · 19/07/2018 21:09

How many kids in the year? How many got invited?

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 19/07/2018 21:10

I would just respond back to the teacher thanking him for letting you know say that you understand and reiterate how grateful you are for their support. Honestly it won't be the worst heat of the moment email they've received it's easily repairable.

DillyDilly · 19/07/2018 21:10

I’m sure most parents have felt sorry for their child at one time or another for not getting an award, it’s a natural feeling but mostly we keep such feelings to ourselves.

Obviously being anxious around going to school doesn’t meet the criteria for a resilience award in your DS’s school.

Emailing the tutor was ridiculous and really makes you seem like ‘one of those’ parents.

CoughLaughFart · 19/07/2018 21:12

You did nothing wrong in asking. You got a perfectly reasonable answer. No need to give it any further thought.

Pengggwn · 19/07/2018 21:12

I can't say I like the sounds of their system, though. I think it would be better to have a traditional prizegiving attended by everyone, then it at least feels inclusive.

cansu · 19/07/2018 21:12

The majority won't get an award. You don't know the circumstances of the other children who were rewarded with something. I think you were being unreasonable tbh.

CoughLaughFart · 19/07/2018 21:13

Emailing the tutor was ridiculous and really makes you seem like ‘one of those’ parents.

Because God forbid anyone dare criticise The School Hmm

Original poster
GoldenBuns · 19/07/2018 21:13

Yes lipstick, I think I'll considered is definitely the word. I am feeling gutted that I didn't stop and think it through more. I feel so emotional over what he went through that I lost sight of the rational thing to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldenBuns · 19/07/2018 21:13

*ill considered

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 19/07/2018 21:16

Don't worry about it. Just chalk it up to a difficult year, thank the tutor and move on!

user1493413286 · 19/07/2018 21:16

I suppose you don’t know how many other children may have been struggling and there might be a lot of other parents who feel similar.
Your son has done amazingly tho and there’s nothing stopping you celebrating it as a family

Amanduh · 19/07/2018 21:17

It’s great for your son but no I wouldn’t warrant it with a prizegiving award. I know how you feel but sorry ywbu. Try not to dwell on it though. Be proud of your son, thank the tutors and carry on

ilovesooty · 19/07/2018 21:17

I don't think it was ridiculous and there's no need to make the OP feel worse than she already does.
Congratulations to your son on turning things round and getting positive experiences from the year.

Stirner · 19/07/2018 21:19

I don't think you were unreasonable at all. These award ceremonies are usually dominated by kids called Kai who are getting "most improved" for managing not to belt someone on the morning the teachers have To make selections. Keep him off on the day and do something nice with him.

Wishiwasa · 19/07/2018 21:21

Easily done. Don't beat yourself up. Fwiw it's the end of term, everyone is tired and a little over emotional and I'm sure will be forgotten about very quickly by the form tutor. They responded to your email, you've reiterated your gratitude and that is what will be remembered. Most teachers know that parents are always going to put their children first and I'm sure this is not the first or the last email they'll get along similar lines. Congratulations to you and your son and his school for overcoming a difficult start Flowers

FreshEyre · 19/07/2018 21:22

Perhaps it was a bit ill-considered but not a disaster - I suspect the tutors get other emails from parents that are sent in haste about all sorts of things.

Reply, thank the tutor for the response, say that you understand and thank them again for their support this year.

You can still give lots of praise to your son and he can hopefully go into Y8 with the positive mindset that he can work hard and have a great year.

Not quite the same but we often have to remind DC that pulling out all the stops in the last term is not going to suddenly win them any awards - the teachers are looking for some good work at the start of the year as well!

Original poster
GoldenBuns · 19/07/2018 21:23

Thanks Pitter Patter and Cough. I did reply to the tutor's answer and said how grateful I am for the help ds got. I just feel so worried about all of this now. I can be quite socially anxious and sometimes find it hard to know if I have dealt with something properly/or not. I then spend forever worrying about it.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/07/2018 21:23

But in fairness,it was a rash act,you regret it
If you can face it send a card or email.something along lines of
my son has had a tumultuous year,and at times I really worried if he’d be okay. This has had an impact on myself too. The end of year made me recall and reflect on what’s happened,and in my disappointment I composed an email I regret. I do appreciate everything you have done for my son,the time,the effort and belief. Please disregard my previous email. Yours GoldenBuns

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/07/2018 21:24

Ahh, cross posts, you’ve emailed the tutor.takes a lot to admit a lapse of judgment

MaisyPops · 19/07/2018 21:24

I don't think schools can win.
On here some say everyone should be invited but on another recent thread people were saying how wrong it is for students having to sit through awards when they weren't getting one.

The reality is that not all students can have awards. I had 2 nominations this year. I could easily have nominated 2/3 of the group and been thrilled, but I got 2 nominations.
The fact only 2 got an award isn't a slight on the others.

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