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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sent an email to DS' form tutor

106 replies

GoldenBuns · 19/07/2018 21:00

I am kicking myself for this and am preparing to be flamed. I really wish I hadn't done it - but at the same time feel so upset for DS.

DS is just coming to end of year 7, his first year at secondary school. It is an all boys school - tough, quite a few issues with behaviour etc. His first term was traumatic to say the least - I can only describe what he went through as a panic attack that went on for a whole term. He hated it so much that he cried morning and night. He was too upset to talk to anyone or make friends. The school had to issue him with a time out card because he was having panic attacks in lessons. . I came very close to moving him to another school much further away (the only place available). I have never seen him so miserable. I spent a lot of time going in and out of the school, talking to his form tutor and head of year. They were amazing and really cooperative about getting him settled. FWIW, I did express my gratitude to them on several occasions.

Amazingly, in the spring term, he turned things around completely. Came out of his state of panic and started making friends. He has done well academically and represented the school at sport. He has had no consequences for bad behaviour in the whole school year. He is now settled and happy, with lots of really nice friends.

This week, there have been a couple of rewards events at the school - in particular a 'by invitation only' evening ceremony. Loads of DS' friends were invited and got awards for things like attendance, good attitude, resilience, helping fellow classmates etc. Ds was not invited. He was not included in any other reward event either. He came home on the evening of the ceremony and wanted to know if I had missed the invitation - but he hadn't had one. He couldn't understand why he wasn't invited and was really disappointed.

Was I unreasonable to have emailed DS' tutor and expressed my disappointment that he wasn't given some acknowledgement for his resilience? I got a short reply saying that unfortunately they can't reward everyone and unfortunately he didn't meet the criteria. I now feel like that awful whinging parent who complains if her little darling doesn't get the best treatment. I also feel like I have shot myself in the foot and created a bad relationship with his tutor. But at the same time I feel that if they had acknowledged his resilience, it would have meant the world to him and would have been such a good end to the year. I can't help but feel so disappointed for him.

OP posts:
AvtarRamKaur · 19/07/2018 21:57

OP your son sounds amazingly resilient, and I would suggest applying that to the realisation that what his family feels about him is much more important than what the school does. :) Take him somewhere special and celebrate that year 7 is over with for good!

Original poster
GoldenBuns · 19/07/2018 22:16

MinisterForCheekyFuckery - (excellent name btw) your post made me laugh! Compared to some of your examples, I'm definitely just a slightly over-invested parent who needs to step away from the keyboard.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldenBuns · 19/07/2018 22:17

Also, thank you to everyone else for the lovely replies. I have relaxed a bit now and don't feel quite so worried.

OP posts:
Alevel · 19/07/2018 22:20

My auntie was a deputy head for many years and my niece struggled like your ds. My auntie always said she’ll be fine by spring. Lots of kids struggle with the move. Draw a line. He’s happy now and move on.

Alevel · 19/07/2018 22:21

I haven’t read the whole thread (bed in a min) but if you haven’t already I’d reply saying “of course I just didn’t think. Thanks for your help this year ds has really settled)

tempester28 · 19/07/2018 22:22

Don't feel bad, it is awful to see your child disappointed and it is frightening to think they may become disallusioned. This can lead to normally rational mothers sending "ill-considered' emails! I am sure his tutor won't think badly of you - she will know are just trying to do.your best for your son. You could send a thankyou card for supporting your son through the year and then don't dwell on it. Encourage him to look forward to next school year

Original poster
GoldenBuns · 19/07/2018 22:24

Alevel - that's good advice your auntie gives. We came so close to moving ds - so many people advised us to, but we stuck it out for that initial term and it was so worth it.

OP posts:
ItchyBitchFace · 19/07/2018 22:27

@lipstick I meant if you don't include everyone who qualifies for it ie everyone who got certain amount of house points. I phrased it badly.

ItchyBitchFace · 19/07/2018 22:28

@melons exactly

Oly5 · 19/07/2018 22:33

I don’t think you did anything wrong at all and I’d probably have down the same. Your son has turned a corner after a difficult time - if only schools rewarded this type of resilience and overcoming emotional trauma, the world would be a better place. Instead, they reward attendance.
Well done you OP for standing up for your son and supporting him.
Who cares what the tutor thinks? Don’t give it another thought

clary · 19/07/2018 22:38

An invitation only evening ceremony will have limited space. They have one for KS3 at my DCs' school. There is a subject award for boy and girl in each year, 15 subjects = 90 children plus 180 parents. That's pretty much all they can fit in.

Two of my DC won one award in three years each; that's fine actually. There are 220+ kids in each year so even if they rewarded 30 different ones each year (hard to police and frankly unlikely), still, more would NOT get an award than did.

Doubtless the same at your ds's school. Just be happy that he has turned the year around so well. Never mind about the email, we all send ones we regret and it's almost the summer :) Hope you all have a nice holiday, the teacher won't remember in Sept

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 19/07/2018 22:39

I'm a teacher - the fact you replied with what you did would show clearly what happened, rather than you being 'that parent'. Don't worry about it.

If it helps, we got to give one prize this year for our GCSE lot. There was the kid who always gets over 90%, the kid who has overcome loads of trouble, the kids who have worked their arses off to go up 4 grades, the great all-rounder, the one who did the outstanding creative assignment of the year, the one who has turned his attitude around to get A*...that's just in my class. There's another class to work through too. For ONE prize.

In the end we chose the boy who has turned it around - we knew some others would get other prizes and he wouldn't, but it was very tough. Not getting the prize does not mean we don't appreciate all the other children and their achievements. I know the boy who got our prize was over the moon, but so many of them would have been too. We do appreciate them. We just don't have enough prizes, same as for your son.

MsAwesomeDragon · 19/07/2018 22:39

I have a year 7 form. I have at least 7/8 pupils I'd like to give prizes to for various things, like coping with serious illnesses, charity work, coping with bereavement, academic success, sporting achievements, etc. I'm allowed to give out 2 prizes in my form, there will be another prize or two for the yeargroup given by the pe department or the art department, but there will be a lot of kids that I want to recognise and just can't this year. I'll generally try to ensure prizes go to different pupils in recognition of different things next year, but I probably still won't get the chance to reward everyone that I'd like to.

I wouldn't think twice about your email. I understand that your son has overcome a lot of difficulties this year, and I completely understand why you would want him to get a prize to recognise that. The tutor possibly wanted to give him a prize too, but had a limited number that they are allowed to, or he might not fit the criteria for getting prizes this year. Think no more about it, it's fine!

Tinkobell · 19/07/2018 22:42

Meh. The good and really important point in your story is the amazing turnaround your DS made over the year! You should reward him for that. The rest is just minor, they won't even remember your email by Sep anyway.
My DD is in 6th form - she's never had an award at her school over 6 years, that's an all girls school. It's just how it is.

lifetothefull · 19/07/2018 22:45

Don't worry about it. You have given some feedback on how it made your son feel and also some feedback on how helpful they have been. you have been polite and reasonable all along. Even if their method of prize giving is reasonable, you have still spoken the truth about how it made your son feel. They will at least consider how they tell the students about the event in the future.

Original poster
GoldenBuns · 19/07/2018 22:47

It's good to hear opinions from teachers and the way the decision was made is now beginning to make sense. I'm glad I posted.

OP posts:
stressbucket1 · 19/07/2018 22:49

Ah just read through this post. I'm so pleased for you that your son had made it through and is now settled at his new school!
Please do not give this another thought or dwell on it.
Enjoy the summer holidays and the fact he has had a positive end to the year.
It's fine to question the school on occasion we all need to advocate for our children I think you have been very polite in doing so.

LockedOutOfMN · 19/07/2018 22:50

YWBU, as you've already realised. But not VU.

The form tutor won't hold it against you or your son. Prizes are always quite emotive and there are likely to have been other parents who enquired about their own child not being awarded anything (and they may have been less polite).

LockedOutOfMN · 19/07/2018 22:51

P.S. I'm a teacher. I wouldn't hold this against you.
If you did it repeatedly, I would start to get a little fed up.

MaisyPops · 19/07/2018 22:56

I agree with locked.
I wouldn't hold it against a parent who did something like that once. It's sometimes easy for us to forget that a yearly process and event for us is a new thing for parents each time.

I'd only get fed up with a parent if they were repeatedly doing the 'but think of MY child before everyone else's' thing. Then I lose sympathy quickly because it's arrogant for someone to assume that their child is somehow more important/upset than any other child whp might miss out.

Original poster
GoldenBuns · 19/07/2018 22:58

Stressbucket and LockedOut - thank you. I feel like I've really learnt something here - I am too governed by my emotions on occasions like these.

OP posts:
Witchend · 19/07/2018 22:58

You don't know what the other children are coping with. Parents often comment to me how confident and able dd2 is. What most of them don't know is she has very bad anxiety and has been under CAHMS three times in three years for self harm and being suicidal.

toomanytolist · 19/07/2018 23:05

What a lovely supportive thread! I read the OP and thought oh no she's going to get roasted. But zero sarcasm, zero stealth boasting, zero (ghastly) 'give your head a wobble' just really sympathetic, thoughtful and kind contributions. Restores my faith in MN!

One of my DC was at a school where any prizes were in assembly or end of year school events. The other was at a secret prize giving school (finishing year 10 now and not invited yet!). I much preferred the former, even though I wasn't there to see it.

Original poster
GoldenBuns · 19/07/2018 23:11

witchend - I'm sorry your dd is having a tough time - I hope things improve for her. Now he is over the anxiety, ds probably does have it easier than a lot of the kids in his class.

I'm off to bed now - last day of term tomorrow Wine Gin.

OP posts:
myrtleWilson · 19/07/2018 23:11

Ah golden am guessing that it was partly the lack of recognition and perhaps also a worry that your DS would feel this as a "slight" and set him back after having made such good progress after a very difficult start. If that is the case then can you perhaps do something for/with your DS to acknowledge and celebrate how far he has come - whether that is a family meal out/trip to cinema etc or something building on his friendships - a sleep over etc....

I hope he has an awesome summer and rocks year 8!